+ The Moral of the Christmas Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ On the conveniently pre-dated evening of December 24 the Duchess and her pig are busily dancing from stocking to stocking. Wonderland has yet to fill those with its magical gifts, and so the Duchess is ever so pleased to spread a little Christmas spirit in advance. In each stocking she places a thoughtful token to every single person in Wonderland, picked with love by her very own self. ]

Forgive and forget, 'tis what they say, but above all they say that those who, yes, those who do not have Christmas in their hearts, shall not find it under a root- tree! Tree. Those shall... not find it under a tree. But you- [ she spreads her arms open wide ] are all in my heart, my dearest, and so you shall find this wonderful day in your stocking. A very, very Merry Christmas to you all!

[ She smiles brightly, shoulders her pig, and begins to hum Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, cheerfully covering the cracks in the floor with sprigs of pine as she walks away. ]

And once you look into that stocking...
The Traveler will find a bronze medal with #3 boldly engraved on it
Elizabeth will find a mug of hot chocolate (mug not included)
Jesse Pinkman will find a bottle of ketchup
Angel will find an empty cardboard box
Cordelia Chase will find a self-help book on anger management
Lindsey McDonald will find a single bag of peppermint tea
Lena Duchannes will find un unlabelled bottle filled with light pink liquid
Annie Edison will find a handful of sand
Chihiro Fujisaki will find a rock
John Blake will find bright red nail polish
George Lass will find a slip of paper saying "You are the real winner here!"
Susan Sto-Helit will find a breathalyzer keychain
Brittany Pierce will find a room key labelled '#457'
Santana Lopez will find a pan flute
Shannon Beiste will find ballet shoes
A. J. Crowley will find an unlabelled bottle filled with light blue liquid
Aziraphale will find a large chocolate chip cookie
James Potter will find earplugs
Sam Winchester will find an elegant black tie
Allison Argent will find a roll of aluminum foil
Cora Hale will find a white rose
Derek Hale will find a chocolate-covered piece of coal
Isaac Lahey will find a lizard
Scott McCall will find a wooden medal with the words 'THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION' engraved on it
Remus Lupin will find a brown recluse spider
Peter Petrelli will find 'Riverdance: The Show' on DVD
John Egbert will find a silver amulet on a chain
Toothless will find a German-Portuguese dictionary
Katniss Everdeen will find a baseball bat with the name "Harold" engraved on it
The Lorax will find five plastic spoons and one plastic fork
The Once-ler will find a silver medal with #2 boldly engraved on it
Ardeth Bay will find lots and lots of glitter
Evelyn Carnahan will find a label maker
Tom Hanniger will find a hospital gown
Alice Liddell will find Brad Pitt's autograph
Daniel will find a gold medal with #1 boldly engraved on it
America will find a large dog collar
The Kid will find a dead goldfish
Mark Meltzer will find a Christmas card with a picture of the Duchess and her pig both wearing Santa hats
Belle will find a Sailor Moon coffee mug
Emma Swan will find a small cactus
Henry Mills will find a golden wristwatch with "Forever yours, Timothy" engraved on the back
Philip will find a jar filled with live bees
Souji Seta will find an elegant chess set (though one white rook has been replaced with a salt shaker)
Hector Barbossa will find an unlabelled bottle filled with light green liquid
Jack Sparrow will find a guide to 'The Local Fauna and Flora of Nibelheim'
Chell will find a bottle of vitamin supplements
Agent Washington will find the body of a very pretty porcelain doll
Luke Smith will find a stapler
Adam Milligan will find a Cuban cigar
Bela Talbot will find an instruction manual for a chainsaw
Castiel will find a pair of 3D glasses
Crowley will find a brain slug
Dean Winchester will find the head of a very pretty porcelain doll
Ellen Harvelle will find a kitten
Gabriel will find a silver amulet on a chain
Jo Harvelle will find a slip of paper saying "We are all very disappointed in you."
Meg will find a 100 Swiss franc note
Michael will find a map of Canada
Stiles Stilinski will find the book 'A Concise, Contemporary Guide to Table Manners'
Martha Jones will find lots and lots of stinging nettle
The Doctor will find a CD with just one track
Tohru Honda will find a small porcelain duck
Alphonse Elric will find a pepper shaker and a white rook from an elegant chess set
Edward Elric will find a Weight Watchers lifetime membership card
Greed will find a toothbrush
Aramis will find nothing, but his stocking is on fire
Athos will find a slip of paper that just says "No."
D'Artagnan will find four AA batteries
Duke of Buckingham will find ketchup (without the bottle)
Caroline Forbes will find small pieces of scented soap, shaped like human organs
Daryl Dixon will find the second half of Pride and Prejudice
H.G. Wells will find a fortune cookie
Cecil Baldwin will find a brooch with the sigil of House Baratheon
Minako Arisato will find the first half of Pride and Prejudice
Amy Pond will find a stack of pre-written apology cards, already signed with her name
Lydia Martin will find a frilly apron with the words KISS THE COOK stitched on it

Comments

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess looks to the left. The Duchess looks to the right. The Duchess covers her pig's ears and lowers her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ]

I've heard it all, my delightful friend, and I have just the plan, you will see!

[ Left. Right. Perhaps her normal voice is acceptable. ]

None other shall receive the sword, but the Jabberwock himself! I'll offer it to his claws without a moment's hesitation, you see- of course you see it now!

[ She beams and laughs, proud at her flawless plan, which can be reasoned with the utterly reasonable moral that goes as follows: ]

You see, we are always our own worst enemy.

[builditstrong]

[...What. No. No, she can't possibly be saying...]

...Yer...yer sayin' yer jus' gonna give that monster th' sword? Jus' hand it over?

[pig_and_pepper]

Why, naturally! You must retreat to move forward, and what better retreat could there be? What better, I ask of you!

[ She flicks back her hair. ]

Nonono, you are quite right, 'tis not a question, I've given answer already.

[ The Duchess beams. ]

Oh, but aren't you quite glad to hear it all? For a moment there you must have been so very concerned!

[builditstrong]

[What. What. No.] Ya...don' ya know what that'll do? It'd jus' kill us all even faster. It'll kill ya too, soon as it got th' sword. Don' ya realize that? Th' only way t'defeat it is t'kill it afore it kills us. Wi' th' sword. Tha's why we need th' sword, don' ya understand that?

[pig_and_pepper]

Kill it with the sword,

[ she repeats with her best and brightest smile, and nods emphatically. ]

My delightful friend, we walk in circles, and talk in the very same shape. Why, that is just what I explained to you before.

[ She presses the palms of her hands together. ]

You can trust me, you see? It will all work out rather perfectly!

[ Just then the piglet jumps from her lap, and the Duchess readily takes the cue. One last kiss, which she cheerfully blows into the camera, and- ]

So long, and cherish the fish!

[ -and then she is gone. ]