[text to the masses]

[rosswood]

happy singles awareness day
did you know that saint valentine was full of shit
i mean maybe he wasn't but theres no way to know since theres like no actual history on this guy
there are records of three different saint valentines
though i guess the one thing thats consistent is that pretty much all of them died horribly

anyway there's your exciting earth history fact of the day
have fun

[Alex, for his part, is currently planning on getting at least a little buzzed tonight. Despite the apparent bitterness of that mass-network text, he's not technically single. His SO just happens to not be here. Hence, drinking. Hence, bitterness.

Hence, that fun Valentine's Day Historical Fact.

Anyone looking for him will find him at the bar.]

Comments

text

[sheriffing]

So all Valentine's Day translates to is horrible death?

[ Emma could have told you that. ]

text

[rosswood]

yup
all those tacky hearts and shmoopy cards were lies
fed to us by our commercial overlords
the horror

text

[sheriffing]

Well, we always knew that.

text

[rosswood]

i mean
true
but the whole origin story they tried to spoonfeed us is also complete shit

[sheriffing]

You'd be surprised how often that happens.

[rosswood]

sounds like your coming from a place of experience
share with the class?

[sheriffing]

I know a lot of people whose lives were turned into stories.
It's not always what you've heard.

[rosswood]

gonna have to be more specific than that
anything's a story if it's just one person telling it to the other
do you mean like
someone got a biopic made of them or

[mypartnerintime]

You actually knew all of that off the top of you're head?

[failedparenting]

i bet youre a blast at parties

[rosswood]

what can i say high school sucked for everyone
always knew holidays were bullshit but proving it felt good

[rosswood]

why thank you, i'll be here all night

[voice]

[slapfight]

Singles... Awareness?

[does not compute.] Is that something that Earthlings can be unaware of?

[you can't even fuse, you weirdos.]

[text]

[rosswood]

i mean
no not really
it's just extra in your face during valentine's day

[voice]

[slapfight]

A day apparently dedicated to three people who died horribly.

[why is earth so WEIRD.] Yes.... I see the connection.

[so sarcastic.] Unless their deaths were related to a horrible attempt at fusion.

[text]

[rosswood]

hey man i didn't make the rules
earth makes no sense i'll be the first to admit it

what the hell is fusion

[voice]

[slapfight]

No, it does not.

[oh stars, don't make her understand fusion. she doesn't even understand it half the time, especially not in the way the Crystal Gems understand it... she's getting better at least.

and she's not gonna resist being a nerd.]

It's when multiple Gems come together to form a different gem. One that's far more powerful than the sum of their parts. In Homeworld, this is primarily a custom in combat, but I've learned there are significant other reasons to fuse.

["because I'm gay" is a great one.] Humans can't perform fusion, but I imagine if they attempted to, it would likely end in horrible death.

[text]

[rosswood]

wait so
lemme get this straight

you come from a place populated by sentient multicolored rocks
who full-on goku it up whenever they want??

[...Huh.

Huh.

Alex isn't sure how he feels about that.]

yeah no we can't do that
just end up with a bloody nose or something

[voice]

[slapfight]

It's considered socially unacceptable and borderline inappropriate to fuse when you're not in combat on Homeworld, but... Essentially yes.

[she thinks. what is the definition of "goku up???"]

[text]

[rosswood]

interesting
so wait do you guys have a valentine's day where you come from
or a "fusion celebration" day or something like that
since that seems to be kind of the rock equivalent of boning or whatever

[voice]

[slapfight]

No one celebrates fusion except Garnet and I think her existence alone is all the celebration she requires, and [angry noise] I don't know what you're talking about.

[boning, alex. really. SAY WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE, MAN.]

[text]

[rosswood]

[THAT WOULD REQUIRE PUTTING ACTUAL THOUGHT INTO ANYTHING HE SAYS EVER]

who's garnet

ok let me rephrase
do you have a celebration for people getting together and coupling
i e smooches or whatever it is rocks do
or is fusion just
it

[voice]

[slapfight]

She's a permafusion.

[THAT EXPLAINS IT DOESN'T IT.

you can hear the skepticism in her voice, meanwhile, as she adds:]

What would be the point of that?

[text]

[rosswood]

i dunno man but earth does it
i never said it made sense

[Someone has a raging hate for Valentine's Day. Just on principle, honestly.]

ok so like all fused all the time
wow i knew some people in high school like that

[failedparenting]

you tell kids santa isnt real too?