entranceway | [Video]

[The video opens with a pitched cackle. The man on screen wipes a tear away from his eye and shakes his head, sighing contentedly as he comes down from the fit.]

Ohhhhh-okay, okay. Okay. People of--is this, is this really what we're going with right now? Wonderland? What pretentious dickwad came up with that one? [There's another short bark of laughter then he clears his throat.] Wh-oookay. Ahhh, this is just--just beautiful! God, and here I thought things just couldn't get better.

[There's a pause in which he composes himself, runs a hand back through his hair, and fixes the video with a slightly less hysterical visage.]

So, right, I did the reading and the whole shtick. Oh no, where am I, I'm so confused and lost. Wah, wah, I don't like change. What am I gonna do with myself? Here, let me confide in the local ECHOnet, seeking solace from my equals. Yeah, that crap just ain't me, kiddos. So uh, I'm Jack. If any of you assholes knows me, pipe up, because I'm gonna need a basic rundown of the whole dealio as far as who's here. And I swear on my mother's grave--the devil condemn her soul in eternal torment--if I see or hear one CL4P-TP unit, I will set it on fire. I'm not even kidding right now. You have been warned. I don't need that crap here, too.

So yeah. Really, just uh, sayin' hi. Oh, and in case you didn't really catch it, I was making fun of the ostentatious name of the place. Yep. That about wraps up this video. Later, losers.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

wow you catch on quick
you forgot the existential questioning and screaming to someone's deities or whatever
but that was pretty spot on

Yeah, I'm--I'm not texting you, buttercup. You're gonna have to listen to the sound of my amazing voice while I read yours. Hope that's cool. If not, too bad.

Ohhh, yeah, I knew I was forgetting something! Can't forget the bitching and moaning about Oh, Whatever-Bandit-God-I-Worship, why have you forsaken me! How could you let this haaaaaaappen? Ehh? Nailed it.

yeah you pretty much hit all the bases
i'd answer on voice but i'm guessing you don't like the sound of static screaming in your ear

Oh, no. I'm pretty used to that. If you've ever met a Claptrap unit, you'd know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky.

You got a glitch in your ECHO device, or just really bad with tech? If you're a hottie, maybe I'll stop by and see if I can't repair it. If you're a nottie, eeeeh, I could still be persuaded.

the fuck is an echo device. it's just a phone bro

and nah it's not fixable
appreciate it though

Th' shit is a phone? How primitive is your home planet anyway? It's a thing that latches onto the ECHOnet so you can send neat little voice and video conversations like what I'm doing right now, except there's usually another person involved doing the talky thing, too. Two-way communication, baby.

Whatever you say, pumpkin.

uhhhhhhhh
so your one of those
a future guy then
ok

I uh...? guess??? I mean, if that makes you a "past guy" then I guess I'm a "future guy" by default.

Maybe I should market ECHO devices for you people. A courtesy so I never have to deal with typing on this thing. I didn't even think it had a feature for text until like, just now. Huh.

might wanna be careful
some people here have only just now heard of this magical thing called electricity
we get all sorts here

[ well. that's an introduction, ]

There's a brochure that's quite useful, if you're interested.

Yes, I'm aware that's as cliche as it sounds.

You left out the whole, "h-holy shit, other dimensions exist, wh-what the fuuuuuuuck!" part, too.

well now i gotta ask what a cl4p-tp unit is.

[Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Where does she even start with this apparent walking catastrophe.

Evelyn has known human disasters with egos roughly the size of a dwarf white star, but this well-coiffed gentleman appears to present as a gas giant.]

My God, you do love the sound of your own voice.

[River leans into the camera, expression curious.]

No Claptraps. No one at all. Alone in a crowd.

CL4P-TP, AKA: Claptrap. It's this... ugh! It's just really friggen annoying! It's a Hyperion brand robot and I swear when I'm sitting in the big chair, I'm wiping every last one of them out. Their annoying little voices and their whiny uselessness...

[Yeah, he's miming choking someone with his hands, despite the fact that Claptraps don't have necks. Or breathe.]

...what the hell are you, even? [Delayed reaction.] A-a weird little... yeah, I can't even come up with anything.

oh, huh. yeah, i know a pretty annoying robot myself, though he's not all bad.

[Mettaton has some redeeming qualities.]

[His perpetual grin widens. He loves this part.] the word you're looking for is "skeleton."

[Also "little" excuse you sir.]

They'll get over it. [#Compassionless.] Heh, yeah, I can see that already. Well, fortunately, you ended up with me here. I'm a bona-fide hero, baby! Helping you sorry sons of bitches is what I do.

Been there, read that. What uh, I think it was lacking, was the part where it tells me how to contact who's in charge so I can pay off the head dickcheese to let me out of this little bubble and then burn everything they ever loved so they'll think twice about doing this to anyone again.

Alone in a--what is that even supposed to mean?

[He squints at her image on the ECHO unit. Right now, he thinks she might be just as deranged as a psycho. Then again, her answer about Claptraps was pretty definitive. That was more than he'd get out of any baby-eating freak...]

Riiiiight. Yeah, that one probably short-circuits quite a few of these assholes. Someone--someone really needs to [he's laughing again.] like, set up a camera or something, yaknow? Capture people's reactions to this shit when they read the brochure. Watching some of these morons go all duuuuh at it would be friggen hilarious.

Um. No. The word I'm looking for is "what". How are you even...? I mean, you're dead, right? Is this some kind of immortality backfire? Because wow. That must reeeaaally suck.

[He focuses on the important things.]

And not really loving the sound of yours right now when it says those words in that judgey tone. What's your point, pumpkin? You gotta have one, right? Or are you just all looks and no point?

[Crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at you, yes, now he's the one judging. Take that, hot chick.]

[Much judgement. Wow. Speaking of a lack of point-]

You're the one who was waxing poetic with threats just to introduce yourself when a simple "hello, I'm Jack" would have sufficed.

[Accustomed to the manner and speech of men with very high opinions of themselves, she tries not to look too amused.]

And it's Evelyn. Not "pumpkin."

[Although she's heard worse nicknames.]

Threats? Nah, just one threat. And it's more of a promise, really. If you met that guy, you'd set him in fire too. Seeing as you aren't running to find your blowtorch, I'm guessing you haven't met him--it--that asshole. And see, "Hello, I'm Jack" just doesn't work for me, sweetheart. Doesn't leave an impression. You gotta say, you'll remember me at this point now, won't you? Eh? [Eyebrow waggle] Ehhh? You'll remember me.

Evelyn. Interesting name. It's cute.

[Huh. All right. Alex can't help but pick up what this guy's putting down.]

word of warning
most people here are dicks
huge freaking dicks

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