urnewkingbitch: (Oh wow you can't even call it ironic)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
Okay, here's a riddle for you, Wonderland. What the fuck do you get a guy for his birthday when the closets literally give you any fuckin' thing you ask for? 'Cause I've run outta ideas that doesn't include ironic macaroni art. Alternatively, what wouldn't you give someone for their birthday?

[A slight pause.]

For context, John Egbert's birthday's comin' up on the 13th, which is this comin' Saturday.

[Dave rubs his face.]

Hell, maybe I should just get him another goddamn rabbit.
urnewkingbitch: (You can stand under my umbrella)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
wonderland
do you know what is ridiculous
ill tell you whats ridiculous
its off the fucking charts ridiculous
i cant even rate it its so damn high
the ridiculous thing in question is
billboards top 100 for 2013
for those of you who dont know its a website that lists the top 100 songs that are popular
theres some specifically for hip hop and country and shit but im just focusing on the pop songs

so this bitch
this fucking bitch
has harlem shake as the number 1 song
motherfucking what
ive taken a listen to that song and omfg i cant even
i mean nothing against the song i think its ok but i dont think it warrants being number 1
also bruno mars is number 3
fuck that guy and his acoustic guitar
hell never be mumford and sons
thats all i can say on that
beauty and a beat by justin bieber featuring nicki minaj
i expected better of you minaj
i truly did
also fuck bieber for trying to ruin beauty and the beast
im so unimpressed by it that if i converted that feeling into money id be a trillionaire
scream & shout
oh will.i.am and britney
i think we all know what that songs about without even looking at the lyrics
last thing before i move on to what i actually like
promise

pitbull
gtfo the top 20
seriously

ok so what im pleased to see is some motherfucking imagine dragons up in the top 20
actually theyre on it twice but only one is in the top 20
the lead singer is fucking great ok
he could sing the blandest of lyrics and id still fucking swoon and listen to his songs
moving on
one direction isnt in the top 20
theyre not even in the top 50
oh im so damn proud right now you cant even imagine
gangnum style is still going strong
rock on psy you crazy south korean son of a gun
down town by lady antebellum i just
yes good make more songs like that and need you now
just more of that and i could be a fan
KATY PERRY ISNT ON THE LIST AT ALL THANK YOU GOD

overall im kinda eh and side eyeing a few of those choices for last months ratings
hoping the rest of the years gonna be better but man
those hopes aint all that high
urnewkingbitch: (KO'd)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[It's hard, truly, to fight a growing urge to give in. Sometimes, one can fight it and come out on top by reminding oneself that it's all Wonderland's fault.

This is sadly not the case for two more members.

There is no John Egbert and Dave Strider, there is only Fūjin and The Morrigan.]


{OOC: You can either attack one, the other, or both. Just let us know in the subject! These two will pretty much be wandering around either together or separately. :)}
hamburellakind: (Hee)
[personal profile] hamburellakind
[At some point on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, you might hear some rustling outside your door. If you get out fast enough you might spot a long blue hood whipping around the nearest corner, accompanied by some boyish giggling. Sitting on your doorstep, you'll find a messily wrapped present or two, accompanied by a card that says:

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM JOHN AND DAVE!

And here are their presents for everybody in the mansion. )

And their gifts for each other. )
urnewkingbitch: ([God Tier] dot dot dot)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
okay well
i can cross going to a pink and purple rather cramped and skeezy looking love hotel off the bucket list
seriously where in the fucking worlds did the mansion find this
i pity the people of that world for having a love hotel like it

btw maybe a stupid question but i like to make sure
anybody else getting the nagging annoying feeling to just like
give into base desires or whatever the fuck
i swear that if im the only one ill march up to the crabbiest troll and tell him or her that he or she is a genius and im not worthy to be in his or her presence
as sincerely as a strider can get

before i forget
has anyone found a way onto the roof or outside in general
cause there arent any windows from what i can tell
and i have a feeling that id rather camp out on the roof than be in this abomination


{OOC: There can also be ACTION for any of his roomies, and I'm not picky on who's rooming with him. He'll be in a room somewhere on the third floor.}
urnewkingbitch: (Blah blah blah)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
ok so
when i did parkour all over the fucking mansion like a chipmunk on crack
im sure quite a few of you remember that amazing time
i have only one thing to say
im not at all sorry
no fucks were given that event
ok so ill apologize to the lady who tried to paint but shes the only one who deserves it because that was a damn fine painting
she knows who she is
the rest of you totally deserved it
it added spice to your lives
so youre fucking welcome for it


[Filtered to John Egbert]

dude get your fine ass over here
i finally found something goddamn suitable for our 8 month anniversary
even if its incredibly belated of me to do so
before you ask yes its an ironic present
no its not a cock ring. it might stunt your growth before we get busy being rabbits and im so not getting shorted on that piece of business
not to mention you might end up like that guy who thought itd be fun to fuck a metal bus bench
urnewkingbitch: ([God Tier] Candlelit hate/flush date?)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[Well, Wonderland, what happens when a ninja-in-training is bored? Like, really bored? It's really very simple.

Dave does parkour all over the mansion.

Literally.

On the roof? Parkour.

In the kitchen? Parkour.

In your bedroom by spontaneously crashing through your window?

Mother.

Fucking.

Parkour.

Hell fucking yes.]
hamburellakind: (Blushu!)
[personal profile] hamburellakind
[John and Dave's SECRET RELATIONSHIP is very very secret, in that just about everyone knows anyway. It's instances like these that make it very difficult for them to pretend nothing is going on.

The video flicks on to display a wall in the owlery. John wanders into frame, hands clamped over his eyes.]


WHAT IS HE DOING TO SIGOWLNEY?!

Do you want the truth or somethin' softer?

I want-- I want him to stop doing that, oh my God! I thought Aphrodite was a girl's name!

Aphrodite is a girl, Egbert, you can tell by her feathers. You're the one with a dude and you most likely just got my owl pregnant.

Wh-- Sigowlney Weaver isn't a dude!

Yes, he is. See how Weaver's feathers up front are whiter than Aphrodite's? Also, he's smaller than her, which is constant with most birds of prey.

Why am I getting two anatomy lessons right now?! Wait. Wait. DAVE, WE ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE GRANDPARENTS.

Because you asked for it, and I know. I'm the one havin' to deal with a pregnant owl.

What do we even do with baby owls?! Do their parents eat them?! Oh God!

No, they don't, but owls mate for life, so we're never gonna get these two separated.

Wha..really? Does that mean...Are they owl married?

Pretty much.

Oh geez. I can't believe they beat us.

Damn, you're already thinkin' about puttin' a ring on this finger?

I-- oh my God, they won't stop squawking!

[And the video shuts off.]
urnewkingbitch: (Doing shit on the Mac)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
shit
if its not obvious already
the mansion is basically giving us all the middle finger right now
its using that same finger to mindfuck us like a goddamn jackhammer to make matters worse
so i asked for the closet to give me anything to help this goddamn hangover
see mansion fucking us over with a demented smile
anyway it gave me i shit you not apple fucking cider
sparkling no less
so brb as i drink this and see if the mansion decided to give it to me without lube


[There is a pause and he finally gets back to the network.]

ok not only is it fucking delicious like i could offer it up to the gods as their substitute for nectar but it actually worked
im feeling hells of better
what the fuck is this shit
was its sheer delicious taste supposed to be the cure or what
just my luck if its actually been spiked
urnewkingbitch: (Just give me a moment)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
terezi went home

[He...thought he'd have more to say about it, but...those three words seem to be enough. It's been over a week. If she was supposed to come back, she'd be here by now.

She's not.

So there's not much else to say on the matter about his moirail.]
urnewkingbitch: ([Runaway] Tremble before my sarcasm)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[The comm clatters to the floor, giving everyone a good look of taloned, crow-like feet, but more suited to a human's body. There's indistinct muttering as more talons close around the device, and when they're out of the way...well, it's surprisingly Dave. But instead of his usual cleaner look, he's much more unkempt and without his usual Ben Stiller sunglasses. Also, his face is a little more bird-like. Enjoy seeing his red eyes all the time!

Another huge difference is also the black crow wings that are attached to his back.

Yes, please welcome Runawaystuck AU Dave!]


Can't they make these easier to handle for people with fuckin' claws and shit? [He snorted.] Nah, that'd be too nice of 'em.

Anyway, it's been almost two weeks of back-to-back bullshit, and now the smell of death is comin' from the mirror-side, which is pretty balled up from where I'm standin'. What is this, the end of the world, Wonderland style? Might've just jinxed us with that one. Oh, well.

[He's kind of feeling awkward after the whole...Shadow Dave thing.]

So, any of you older "veterans" know what the hell's goin' on? Or are we all just poor little bunnies in this?
spacetier: (what are keywords???)
[personal profile] spacetier
[ Hello Wonderland. Aren't you glad to see the smiling faces of two kids today? Or at least Jade's. Who even knows who the mysterious person behind Jade is? It certainly isn't Dave. And he definitely isn't preoccupying himself with messing around with her dog ears while she talks. Other than that there is a clear view of his red cape and the festival and fireworks from grounds 8 in the background. ]


Hi Everyone. We're back! [ If there even is anyone still here that remembers them. ] Geez, Wonderland changed a lot in the year we were gone!

[ And then suddenly the Very Mysterious Person behind her comes into view. Wow, it's Dave. No one saw that coming. ]

No Harley. It's been a week here. I've done this shit before, remember? I'm a fucking veteran at this shit. [ With that she blows a raspberry at him. Dumb knights and their dumb time shit. ]


(ooc: Tags will be answered by both Jade and Dave.)
urnewkingbitch: (FUCKING BIRDS GOD)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[Okay, so, Dave's comm thing goes off the moment he goes over to his closet. The scratching near the speaker indicates that it was probably Zelda the baby crocodile's fault. Anyway, Dave opens the door to his closet, not really expecting anything.

Suddenly.

It's like that one scene from Aladdin where Jasmine RELEASES THE BIRDS as a closet full of parakeets SWARM him.

Miraculously, Dave's expression hasn't changed. Some of the parakeets are roosting on his head and shoulders, while the others make themselves at home everywhere else in his room. He glances over, notices the comm is on, and that Zelda is near it.]


Zel, they're not food, so don't get any ideas.

[He walks over, and turns off the comm device's video.]

well that was exciting
shit i didnt think the closet would fucking spew these feathery assholes at me all of a sudden
the hell did i do to deserve this
fuck
how do you take care of parakeets


Private to John Egbert )
urnewkingbitch: (Can I face my own mortality?)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[He's been around since about one in the morning, but he was conked out on the bed due to wow coming back to life sucks almost as much as dying. His body still aches from the ordeal, but Dave pushes through it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Strider is pissed.]


ok im back after 12 hours and that doesnt seem quite right
whatever dont care
i need an update on what happened while i was busy getting blown up by a psycho bitchs surprise present
speaking of
to the bitch who did that
you know who you are
i know who you are
hell the entire fucking mansion probably knows who you are
youre going down


[After putting that out, Dave is going to go back to lying down on his bed. Damn does he hurt.]
urnewkingbitch: (Cool story Bro)
[personal profile] urnewkingbitch
[Dave is kind of bored, and he's aimlessly looking through his closet to see what it'll cough up for entertainment. He didn't expect two movies to appear in hand. He stares at the title for five whole minutes before having an internal, sincere, and uncool spazz attack not unlike that of a happy teenage girl. Beauty and the Beast on Blu-Ray and the other is in 3D motherfuckers! He may say that the Lion King is is favorite movie, but nothing, NOTHING, can ever replace Beauty and the Beast in his heart.

Yes, today is a day of staying inside and watching that movie like John watches Con Air.]


ok so the mansion has decided that today is a day for me staying inside all day long
text if you cant stand to be without bright fucking red


Private to John )

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