ship log 007 [video]

[justguidelines]

[Well, now that that whole mine business is over and done with, and he finally (finally) has gotten himself clean of the ick and gore, despite it still staining every piece of clothing he owns, he can get back to what he was originally doing, which is, of course, boning up on future-speak so as all the better to listen in on conversations that have in times before left him two steps behind.

And so that means reading future literature, as so much of a culture's thoughts and ideals can be found in what they study and write about. That, at least, has held true through some of the nonsense he's picked through. Magic, according to some; science, another. And all manner of things that he's grateful come illustrated, as it's hard for him to picture such things as 'cars' and 'trains', much less machines that fly through the sky.

However, he's hit upon some particularly bad literature in his wanderings, and while he's mostly skimming for the gist of things, since spelling and grammar and all manner of things is still somewhat unfamiliar, this one in particular has caught his eye, simply for its sheer terribleness.

So when the feed kicks on, Hector, settled at the table of his cabin room with a bottle to one side and a stack of books to the other, simply gives an amused look, before holding up a book, cover side to the communicator.]

Been doing meself a bit of research, ye might say, on what you lot find worth reading. For the most part, I'm impressed. There be a wide enough variety of nonfiction that's interesting enough. But then...I found this. [He waggles the book side to side for a moment.] I've no idea what this is supposed to be about. It's so terrible I can't force meself to actually read it. For instance:

[He clears his throat, pulling the book back to him, flipping to a random page. Really, the tiny print of the future is terribly hard to read, but he's going to make the best of it.]
“So,” I prompt.
“I like the control it brings me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I’ve wanted to spank you since yo-

[He pauses, eyes moving as he reads ahead, flipping forward in the book and sampling again, and one last time, before blanching and slamming the book shut.

That not enough, he pushes it to the edge of the table with a finger as though it's a live thing, and when that still doesn't satisfy him, it's picked up and bodily thrown to the other side of the room, upsetting Rose, who's been quietly sitting on the monkey swing in the background until now, and she gives a loud screech, diving away.]

I'm not one given to vulgarities overly much, mind, but just what in hell is wrong with you folk. First there be that internet porn, and now this? Honestly, either you're the most gutless group of soft nancies I've never before seen, or there be something seriously depraved about the lot of you, between that mess and the sparkly vampires, and gods only know what else, as I'm not sure I wish to investigate much further in your fiction.

Comments

[justrunsasaloon]

What the hell kind of shit are you reading?

[She looks clean too. And she's got a beer.]

[justguidelines]

[He waves a hand in the direction of where he's thrown the book out of frame.]

I ask for popular literature of the time period, and that be what the closet gives me.

[justrunsasaloon]

... I'd think you'd be more of a Melville fan. Or Hemingway. Not exactly popular literature but better than that shit.

[She sips her beer.]

And if you're going to read porn there's better out there.

[justguidelines]

I'm fairly sure the half-literate scratchings out behind the Faithful Bride be a sight better than that, aye.

[But at her oh so thoughtful offering, he just takes a minute, where his face freezes in something almost amused, with an edge of severe discomfort.]

...Aye, be that so.

[justrunsasaloon]

You should still look into them. They wrote a lot about the sea.

[That's what she remembers. They hadn't been her favorites, but everyone is stuck reading Moby Dick at least once in their educational lives.

His reaction gets just the ghost of the smile from Ellen. She's not used to people being unused to her bluntness.]

If you want to read that kind of thing. Being a lady, I wouldn't know so much about it.

[Now, she's taking the piss out of herself.]

[Action] I feel like we've come full circle, with this. Our characters talking about porn and all.

[bottlearum]

[ Jack doesn't keep anything more than half an ear on the network at all times. Even less of one immediately after an event had taken place. Because there was rarely anything of actual value being spread around these so-called "futuristic" communication devices. It was full of emotions, whines, complaints, not owning up to actions and crying over ridiculous things.

Jack doesn't see the appeal. Really, he doesn't.

But he still keeps that half an ear out, just in case. You never know what could come in hand, or what kind of information could be used at the exact right, opportune moment.

Jack knew Hector was researching the turns of phrases that the other people in the mansion liked to use. It was a noble goal, to be sure, but one Jack will let Hector pursue on his own. After all, underestimation was the name of the game and, if Jack Sparrow doesn't know even the most common of futuristic terms, then sure he couldn't do any harm.

Which is why he barley pays attention to Hector's post on the network. After all, there was bad literature in their time too. Just because it was the future -- or the present or an "almost" present or what have you -- doesn't mean the quality of literature was going to improve. In fact, Jack rather doubts it. He hasn't found anything more interesting than Shakespeare, and he'd died over a hundred years ago, in their time.

No, it's not until Hector begins to read the book out loud that Jack begins to pay attention.

And the second that Hector stops reading is the second that Jack turns around and begins to make his way to Hector's room. Because, what. No, seriously, what?

Jack doesn't bother knocking on the door this time. No, he's used up whatever formalities he possessed before and, besides, he knows for a fact that Hector's in his room, so there wasn't a purpose to knocking. He walks right on into Hector's room which is, of course, the cabin of the Pearl. Except a lot more poorly decorated and with candles dripping everywhere.

He allows a brief look of disdain to cross his face at Hector's lack of decoration skills before he moves on to the subject at hand. ]

Future literature, eh?

[ He crosses the room to where the book is still laying on the floor and picks it up. He's not entirely certain if he's amused at the book, and Hector's over the top reaction to it, or... No, actually, amused sums it up quite nicely. ]

[Action] It really has, if you think about it. /chinhands

[justguidelines]

[Hector, on the other hand, is considering dousing the thing with holy water (or something more flammable) and lighting it on fire. Seriously, he has no idea what could possibly be wrong with the future - and he's figured beforehand it's quite a lot to be getting on with to begin with - but this is just over-the-top nonsense.

That wasn't literature. That was pornography. And not even a kind that seems remotely realistic, if he's being honest, from the snippets he's read. While, true enough, there's literature (again, if it can be called that) in their own time, but nothing so explicit and most certainly not so...

So...

He doesn't even have words for it. There are literally no words that come to Hector Barbossa's mind as for what all of that could possibly be called, and he's done some things in some countries he is more that sure is illegal by English law, at the very least.

But he pays no mind when Jack barges in. He's halfway expected it, if only for Jack to come laugh in his face. But when Jack picks the book up, he only nods toward it, pulling he bottle next to him closer.

A gulper most certainly sounds like a wonderful idea right about now.]

Oh, you laugh. Well, go on, Jack. Take a gander and tell me what it is you be seeing, then.

[And with that, the bottle is most unceremoniously and unashamedly turned up.]

[Action] It's just a lovely thought. That's all.

[bottlearum]

[ Did someone say point and laugh at Hector?

Because, yeah, no, that's exactly what Jack's here to do.

He flips through the book, less for the purpose of reading it and more for something to do with his hands as he looks at Hector with great amusement as Hector drinks over the book he's read. He's not laughing out loud at Hector, but he might as well be for all the mirth that twinkles in Jack's eyes. ]

Come on, mate. It ain't Shakespeare, but it can't be that bad.

[ Because Jack has no idea. He really and truly doesn't. Sure, he knows the people from the future are lazy and practically worthless, but there isn't any way he could even guess at this level of stupidity. Ignorance is bliss, after all, and it's in that ignorance that Jack can laugh at Hector. ]

[Action] We should be proud of ourselves. We followed canon and bookended.

[justguidelines]

[He hopes, of course, Jack sees the look he sends him. He hopes he does. Because that look is so far from being amused it's ridiculous. That book is clearly full of some evil spirit or another, though if Jack wants it, he'll let him walk right out with it. Because there's the door and Jack's in his cabin room uninvited.]

Oh, it can't be that bad, then. Go on, Jack, pick us a passage and give us a reading, mate. Shakespeare were clever. This? Well, I've seen more tame things go on in a punchhouse in Singapore, mate.

[And he very well knows Jack knows exactly what he means by that.]

[Action] Following canon. We must be doing something right. c:

[bottlearum]

[ Jack does, in fact, see the look Hector gives him. And, far from making him frightened, frightened over some book, it only raises his amusement level higher than that of before. Because honestly? Worse than a punchhouse in Singapore?

Jack seriously doubts it.

And so, in his continuing efforts to beat Hector at everything, Jack Sparrow opens 50 Shades of Grey and begins to read from it, smug look on his face.

His plan was to read a bit from it, and proclaim it not terrible, no matter how terrible it actually may be. But this book was like a shipwreck, it was horrifying and he should really stop reading it but for some reason he can't.

Which all means Hector has a front row seat, watching Jack's face go from smug, to obviously faked amusement, to pure confusion to dawning horror, to terror.

Jack snaps the book shut in one swift moment, terror still present on his face. ]

[video]

[cowhouse]

[Oh god, this is just... Of all the things Jesse's seen here so far, this has gotta be the most bizarre.

...And the most hilarious. It's obvious he's been laughing when the feed kicks in; his face (when he finally picks his head up to look at the camera after taking a solid few seconds to get himself under control) is just the slightest tinge of red. God, this almost makes up for the mine...]

Dude, you know that kind of stuff is for, like... Private time, right? As in by yourself and not over a network? Dirty, yo.

[He's so entertained that he's not actually complaining, though. A pirate (??) reading porn to a live studio network audience? Thanks for lightening up this newbie's day, bro.]

[video]

[justguidelines]

[Un. Amused.

This face is so unamused it couldn't get more sour if it tried.]

Yes, thank you, but I believe if I were going to go for a bit of private time [And don't you dare think he doesn't know what you mean by that Jesse, don't you dare.] I'd like to think me own imagination could do a fair sight better than...

Tell me. What exactly be a ping pong ball.

[video]

[cowhouse]

[No worries, Jesse's amused for the both of them.

He is, in fact, still kind of chuckling all through Hector's insistance that his imagination has him covered as far as entertainment is concerned... Though he does absolutely make a face at that question.

Ummmm...]

...Uh, it's a ball. You like... Play games with it. You know, beer pong, actual ping pong... [Pause.] ...Is there some kinda context I'm missing, here?

[God, and now his imagination is going into overdrive. What would you even--

...Yeah, THANKS FOR THAT.]

[video]

[justguidelines]

[Yep, nope, still not getting it, entirely.]

Aye, but that tells me nothing of what a ping pong ball is, does it. Or why some woman, as it were, would choose to have it-

Well. Would choose to do a thing like that.

[video]

[cowhouse]

Choose to-- Oh. [....Oh. Jesse face drops into his hands, and for a few seconds there's only quiet as his shoulders shake in a silent fit. It wouldn't be nearly as funny if it were a normal dude asking about this, but the pirate gear and the pirate voice and the hat and the goddamn monkey in the background are killing him here. He composes himself eventually, though it takes some doing.] Oh my god. Yeah, there's-- [Snort, throat clear.] There's really no explaining that, man.

[He's unfortunately been treated to a multitude of those questionable videos, and not the South Park "ping pong ball trick" kind, either. THANKS BADGER, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.] You're supposed to like hit them with paddles. Or throw them into cups. [He makes a face and shrugs.] Some people just-- [He gestures with his hands like that's gonna explain it. Feel the need to put everything everywhere? Have too much time on their hands? Drop way too much acid??] Yeah, I got nothing. Dude, how'd you even find that stuff?

[Because seriously... You've got some kind of luck to accidentally stumble upon... That.]

[text forever]

[hamburellakind]

oh my god who told you about internet porn?
how can you even understand the concept of the internet?
i'm laughing so hard right now, oh god.

[video]

[justguidelines]

That fool Castle, though I suppose he's gone now, isn't he. If he warn't, I suppose he'd have been first in line to fill me in on the details of this nonsense.

[hamburellakind]

oh yeah, he was a writer, wasn't he?
he'd probably know more than me.
i think that book must've come from a different version of earth or something.
because i cannot believe the internet wouldn't have been making fun of that like crazy if it was around before everybody died.

Be glad I didn't include the part about if he fancied a jerk he has a better imagination.

[justguidelines]

My question is why the closet would think this be a fine example of literature.

sobbinglaughter

[hamburellakind]

oh, the closets can be really dumb sometimes.
like, once my friend wanted a stuffed rabbit and when i reached in i pulled out a live one.
so...
maybe wonderland was just trying to be funny.

[John would call this effort a success.]

[Video] 1/2

[animusangelus]

[There is just an image of Cloud facepalming. Barbossa. No. Don't read that. Don't read that aloud.]

[Video] 2/2

[animusangelus]

Ever heard of reading ahead?

[video]

[justguidelines]

[Yeah, nope, you all get to share his pain, sorry.]

I would, if perhaps you lot had folks that could write like they're actually literate.

[video]

[animusangelus]

Don't blame me for bad literature.

[video]

[justguidelines]

Literature? Mate, this is as much like literature as I am like a Navyman.