entranceway | video/action;

Entry tags:

video/action;

[Souji is, surprise surprise, in the di-- Actually, this time he's in the kitchen. For a change of pace. He's got the device propped up on something so that he can talk at it hands free. Sitting in front of him is a piece of the rainbowiest rainbow cake a person could possibly make.]

Today is my sixth anniversary.

[He nudges the cake a little toward the camera.]

So I made cake. There's plenty of it, so I'll leave it here in the kitchen in case any one wants to have some.

[With a smile that seems quite tired, he shifts the cake to one side, and glances after it. With his gaze still cast away from the camera, he asks:]

How long have you been here? Do you want to go home? [He looks back at the camera again, his expression more thoughtful than tired now.] I'm kind of...doubting myself in that regard.

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[ Jane is always down for cake, and she's so excited about the look of it that she doesn't even respond, she just goes to the kitchen. When she gets there she pauses, waiting until he doesn't seem to be mid-chewing before speaking, answering his questions from the video. ]

I've been here a year and one month, and...I'm kind of indifferent. Staying here or going home...both are okay to me. But my answer would have been really different a couple months ago. I actually posted something kind of like this on the network a while ago. It helps to hear what other people have to say and to think it out with them.

[ As she talks, she's kind of casually leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed loosely over her chest. ]

[Souji looks up, listening to her answer. He nods a little and gestures her over, getting up to cut her a piece of cake.]

What changed? Why is your answer different now?

[ Sliding down to sit, Jane smiles in thanks before answering. ]

What I was afraid of happening didn't go the way I thought it would. Things got bad, but they got better, too. And now, even if I stay, I still have what I wanted in Wonderland with me, so...if I leave, I'm happy. If I stay, I'm slightly less happy because every now and then this place likes to try and kill us, but I'm still pretty much happy.

[Souji nods slowly, taking in that response. He slides a piece of cake and a fork on a plate over to her before taking his seat again.]

Knowing what you're going home to seems to make a lot of difference.

Thank you. It looks really good.

[ Jane takes a bite and is delighted to find it tastes just as good. It's somewhat weird to trust food that simply appears out of nowhere, but that's a whole other topic. ].

It does, you're right. I have no idea if it stays the way it is now or if anything changes but for now...I know. I was literally walking to a restaurant with my husband and then we were here again.

[ She pauses, taking another bite before speaking. ]

You've been here for so long, do you know what's waiting for you when you eventually leave?

[Souji pokes a few holes in his cake with his fork and shakes his head at her question.]

I know I'm moving back to the city. I was on the train back when I got here. But I don't know what happens from there.

Well, at least you don't know for certain anything bad is going to happen? Some people know they're...going to die or something terrible they can't stop is coming as soon as they leave.

[ She takes a bite of the cake, knowing that when she leaves, with her brother still at large, anything could happen. ]

When I was here before, I knew I was going back, for sure, to something terrible. And I did. I made it through it, but that's why being here was okay. Why I didn't fight it too hard.

[He nods. He's known several people who went back to something terrible or to imminent death.]

I think... [He takes a second to get the wording right.] There's something I need to remember when I get home. But I know it's unlikely.

[It makes him quite apprehensive about leaving. As determined as he is, he has plenty of doubt as well.]

So, you know what it is now, but you'll forget because you found out here, in Wonderland?

[ Jane wants to be sure she understands because he could mean he has a feeling there's something he needs to remember. ]

Right. I made a promise to someone. I need to remember it somehow. Just that one thing.

I wish I could help with that somehow.

[ She pokes at her cake, thinking about what he needs to be able to do, and what Wonderland won't allow. ]

I've heard there are people working on the memory aspect of this place all the time. I don't think you're alone in needing to know important information once you leave here.

I need to start talking to the people working on these things.

[He eats a bite of cake, then pauses, the tines between his teeth, the fork upside down.]

I got out of the habit of meeting new people and now most of them aren't new anymore.

What made you stop meeting people?

[ Jane can't help but be curious, but maybe after six years you get tired of being some kind of welcome wagon. ]

[He thinks that over, eating a little more cake in the meantime.]

A couple things. Mostly, I kept losing track of people after meeting them, and then they'd be gone before I really got to know them. Or...I'd get to know them and then they'd still be gone.

You're not wrong. Getting to know people can be a double edged sword, I guess. Either you get to know them and they leave and you're left dealing with it, or you know you'll leave and they'll be the ones upset.

[ It's a lose-lose situation, really. ]

I guess I haven't let that stop me yet. I don't have a past that I remember a lot of, but I know it wasn't exactly open to having friends and relationships.

[ She'd been engaged, but she was a terrorist. She'd broken it off because the mission had been more important than finding room or time in her life for love. ]

[He nods. It's exactly as she says. But the rest of what she says makes him sit up a bit straighter in his seat.]

So it's important to do that now?

[It's less of a question than a statement--it seems like a pretty good conclusion to come to.]

I think I understand that.

[Most of his life is like a gray blur. It's not that he doesn't remember, like Jane, but that every day was the same.]

It is. I wanna know what those connections are like, even if it hurts when someone leaves. I know what it's like to be isolated and feel alone. I'd rather know I cared about someone even if they disappear.

[ Jane takes a bite of cake, letting the frosting melt in her mouth a little before swallowing. ]

Loneliness is a choice. I think I read that somewhere.

[Souji's not so sure he agrees with that last point, but it does make sense as stated. It's something he has to think about and he's quiet for a moment, his fork half-buried in what's left of his piece of cake.]

Maybe so. But I think it's possible not to know there's any other choice.

I agree with you.

[ She can quote it, but that doesn't necessarily mean she buys into it. ]

I um...I have a past that's not great. And I think up until recently I seriously thought being alone, away from everyone I cared about was the only way to keep them all safe. At that point, I didn't think there would be a better choice.

[ Little does she know, she'll make that choice again and leave her marriage to keep Kurt alive. But that's in the future. ]

For a long time, I didn't have anyone close to me. I don't know if it's because I pushed them away or if it was something else, though.

[He's not sure why he admits that. But she's confiding in him to some degree, so it seems like he should reciprocate. If nothing else, it might be helpful to be able to express something like that for once.]

I guess I've been doing the same thing here.

I think sometimes it feels safer to push people away. Even if it doesn't make sense to those people.

[ This is the most emotionally honest conversation she's had since returning to Wonderland, and she looks over at him. ]

Has it been worth it to you? To push people away, I mean.

No. [His answer is emphatic, though it's spoken in the same neutral tone that he's used for everything he's said so far.] Not in retrospect, anyway. Even if I had thought I was protecting myself [And he wasn't sure that was the reason.] it wasn't worth it.

Then...maybe it's time to start trying to connect again. I don't know if 'it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all' is strictly true, but...it's less lonely when you have people.

[ Jane takes another bite of cake, shrugging her shoulders a little. ]

That's why I'm here. Maybe if I get to know you better, you'll disappear. But at least I know you now.

[He smiles a little at that last bit. He can appreciate that--it was how he used to feel about talking to people.]

I understand. It took me a long time to stop wanting to interact--and it took longer to start wanting to again. But now I feel like I should just for my own sake.

I'd always say it's whatever a person is comfortable with. And if that's just sharing cake with a random person, I think there's nothing wrong with that.

[ Jane smiles at him before finishing her slice. ]

Whatever magic it is that makes desserts is really good at it. I'm impressed.