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[ He wakes up and he's back in Wonderland, and all those foggy memories snap into place. They still stick together like pages of a book that's had soda spilled on it, so it's impossible to separate them chronologically after so long away. But the things he remembers are sharp and clear.

Except he notices that Wonderland is sorta fragmented into pieces. He thinks something catastrophic has happened and, now more than ever, he desperately wishes that his friends are somewhere, happy, that they've escaped what's happened here. They can't still be around after so long. Then again, who knows how long it's been with this place?

The last time he was here, he probably would've sat down and spent an hour freaking out somewhere behind a bush. This time he does the exact same thing, except he doesn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. Fuck it he is a global economic power he'll do what he wants.

After a while of rocking and shaking behind a tree, he gets up, dusts himself off, and decides to reintroduce himself.

Somehow he's found his phone again, with everything on it and the chipped in the corner. Just the way he'd left it. Maybe he should take this as a sign that he hasn't been away so long, at least in Wonderland time, but he doesn't. Too busy preparing his reintroduction.

Normal people would probably just turn their device on, say their hellos and see who is around and who is new. If you are expecting normal behavior from America I don't know what to tell you. Except "lower your expectations because this asshole is still a crazy motherfucker."

He'd found himself on a lone piece of forest, which is not the ideal location for his reentry. In the distance looms the lone, floating entrance hall. After a few seconds of debating the value of his life, he realizes he's immortal and abandons the last fuck he could possibly give before making a running start to leap to the next floating island. A manic grin and one thought propel him to his destiny:

Do it for the vine. ]

[ Finally everything is set up just the way he wants it. Camera placed just behind the closed doors of the entrance wall, it's propped up to frame the hall in such a way that it looks like just any normal day in Wonderland. The real trick is turning it on at just the right moment. He decides to turn it on from behind so the video doesn't capture his initial appearance. Slipping away as quietly as possible, the video just captures a few silent seconds of the doors.

Which then BURST OPEN IN AN EXPLOSION OF SHRAPNEL AND FIRE. USA USA USA.

The smoke clears and, surprise surprise, guess who's standing at the center with arms cross and cocky grin in place? No Crowley, that's for fucking sure, like he'd be capable of anything this epic. For those who knew him the changes are small and subtle, probably nothing to catch amidst the chaos. A taller stature, unhindered by painful wounds, a face that's still young but no longer burdened by self-consciousness and undercurrents of fear.

In the split-second he opens his mouth, just before he speaks you might be expecting something like YOUR HERO HAS RETURNED. But no. ]

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY RAPTORS?

[ Good news: he's even more of a selfish shithead than before. Bad news: that was the good news.

God help you all.

and now a million years later do I add an obligatory nsfw warning?? don't read my threads if you value your time and integrity ]

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Shout louder. I don't think anyone heard you!

[Yes, her response is to just give him a healthy dose of (British) sarcasm with an expression to match. Why were Americans so bloody loud?]

[ Oh Bella, didn't you know? Give an American sarcasm, and they will take it seriously.

Though it's hard to tell if he really thinks it's a serious suggestion or just a willfully oblivious asshole. ]

Okay!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY RAPTORS?!

[ He's reached a point in his life where he no longer cares about impressing the British, even if they're pretty girls. Hell, he barely cares about impressing pretty girls period anymore. Giving so few fucks is allowing him to reach his full potential of being an ignorant dickbag. ]

[Once her ears have stopped ringing Bela decides to provide an answer to his query, despite her reluctance.]

It seems likely that they're stuck on some random piece of Wonderland. Much like everyone else.

[ Guess she heard him. Luckily he lowers his voice to continue on normally. ]

Figured. What happened here, anyway? Somethin' bad or just the usual...

[ He waves vaguely in the air, gesturing to all of the what the fuck Wonderland has to offer. ]

Usual event crap. Woke up yesterday to find Wonderland in pieces.

[Hasn't been fun.]

Why do you have raptors?

[ His shoulders slump with visible relief. ]

Ah, good. That's good.

[ WOW WAY TO SOUND SENSITIVE except an event isn't nearly as bad as what he'd been imagining. Those didn't last long, if he remembers right. Still doesn't look too good that he's now wearing a smile and looking more relaxed. ]

Why wouldn't I? I grew up with a lot of animals! But the raptors specifically-- kinda an accident, guess Wonderland just wanted to give me awesome prehistoric carnivores! Been so long since I've seen my babies, and I'll bet they'll be so happy to see me too!

[ Mostly because the second he left, a barrage of people shot them with tranquilizer guns. ]

'Good' is not the word I'd use.

[ But maybe he was more concerned about his raptors than anyone else. At least that's how it seemed, based on how he was yelling for them just minutes before. ]

Raptors are wholly different to just having a normal pet. Do you ever think that Wonderland gave them to you as a joke? That maybe they'd hurt you? Wonderland isn't exactly the most generous of places after all.

[ In other words, Bela is curious about his state of mind. ]

"Good enough" then! Better than a catastrophe that would last a long time.

[ He waves flippantly. Apparently events are beyond his scope of concern. This one in particular doesn't seem too bad to him; inconvenient travel aside, nothing terrible is happening. No monsters to chase them or miserable weather to haunt them.

Cocky grin in place, he shrugs nonchalantly, as though the prospect of being injured by massive carnivores is no more worrisome than burning his tongue on hot coffee. ]

Wonderland doesn't know me too well if it thinks I'm gonna be hindered by something like raptors!

[ The answer is that his state of mind is nowhere near conventionally sane. ]

You mightn't be saying that when the raptors decide to take a bite out of your leg. Or your arm.

[ His flippancy is troubling. Not that Bela is going to lose sleep over it mind you but she's concerned for her own safety with regards to the raptors. The last thing she wants is to be eaten by one of them or maimed. ]

Unless you're going to inform me that you are indestructible?

[ How's that for sarcasm? Been some time in the conversation since Bela used it so it's only fitting considering what he had just told her. ]

[ "Don't worry, I'll just cuddle them into placidness" is America's general reaction to his raptors eviscerating people. Which is no less troubling, especially when it's followed by the ruthless sentiment of "eh everyone gets like five chances here anyway." His concern for others' safety and the preservation of life has been dampened by his own selfish whim in recent decades.

To know that this asshole is the one responsible for keeping prehistoric creatures from mauling everyone is not comforting.

Luckily he doesn't voice any of these awful thoughts. He just smiles at her sarcasm, widening into a grin that's perfectly suited to the sort of abrasive lunatic to own dangerous carnivores. ]

Depends how you wanna define indestructible. As I recall, some bastard took my head off the last time I was 'round here and that sure as hell didn't slow me down.

[ If she knew what he was thinking right now, Bela would be quite concerned. The thing was, she didn't know what a lot of people thought in this place, and sometimes, that was probably a good thing.

So yeah, Bela wouldn't trust him with controlling raptors. At all.]

Death isn't exactly permanent so it makes sense that you would come back from having your head ripped off. [A pause.] Out of curiousity, who did that to you?

[ The cocky smile wavers and falls into a look of mild befuddlement. He decides to take a more direct route: ]

No, I mean I was runnin' around without a head. 'Cause I'm... I can die, just in very specific ways. So in a way I kinda am indestructible. It's complicated. Anyway, ain't the first time I've gone without a vital organ or limb, probably won't be the last.

[ Shrugging nonchalantly as though being a horrifying parody of the headless horseman is just one of those things that come and you just say, "this may as well happen today." ]

As I recall it was... was his name Dean? The guy with the square face and pretty eyes. Oh well! I ended up lighting my old severed head on fire and throwin' it at him, so I guess that's the same as forgiveness.

[ Forever destined to mistake Tom for Dean. ]

Okay. That does sound complicated. And a little disgusting if I am being honest.

[See how she wrinkles her nose there? That's how Bela feels right now. It passes quickly enough as she continues to listen to what he has to say.]

Dean? I didn't think he was the kind of person who would cut off other people's heads, but stranger things have happened. [He did kill her once.] Are you absolutely sure it was him? You know there's another man around here that looks like Dean, right?

[ Like any immature teenage(ish) boy, he practically beams with pride at grossing out a girl. This is the real reason he winds up with more male partners than female: the boys are more likely to put up with his stupidity and disgusting habits. ]

Pretty sure it was Dean! [ Who also killed him once during an event, so it's not a far-fetched conclusion to make. ] Barely remember the other guy, but if I'm remembering right, he was a quieter sort.

[ She would rather have someone who was more mature in their outlook on life, but not afraid to have the occasional bit of fun. But she can definitely count him off the list. ]

Just because he is quieter, it doesn't make him incapable of causing you harm. Or death. [ Particularly since Tom was the one was responsible for the recent string of murders. ] Who are you anyway?

[ Success. Actually no, shit, opposite of success. OH WELL.

Unfortunately for all of Wonderland, America will forever confuse Tom with Dean. Tom has basically become the Canada of Jensen Ackles: destined to be confused for his more well-known, bolder face twin. ]

I'm America! The one, the only, and the best! Country in human form. I have this whole spiel explainin' it, but that's gist of it.

Well, that would account for the loudness.

[ Americans. Can you hear the disdain in her tone? Wonderland seemed chock full of them. Either that or he was completely insane. ]

So that would make you what, a little over two hundred years old? [ There were demons here. A humanised country didn't seem like too much of a stretch. Mostly. ]

Are you the only country in human form?

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