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[The video comes on to someone noisily eating. They're taking ramen noodle packets and ripping open the flavor packs, and pouring the stuff into their mouth. Honestly who would do this.]

Man am I glad Pearl isn't here. I can just hear her right now. [Amethyst transforms into a thin, tall, pointy woman and her voice turns to that high, mocking voice. You know the one. Everyone does it.] "Don't eat mysterious food from strange Gem constructs, Amethyst! You can't know what it's made from! I know everything!" [She takes a huge, ungraceful bite from the dry block of ramen noodles before transforming back.]

Whaaaatever. The food's good. I don't care if some closet spit it out. Probably trying to make me stay forever or something. This is a pretty intense simulation this gem's got going. The room even looks like my old room. Sorta. I kinda have to fill it with stuff still. It looks all empty.

Anyway, since someone might give me a hard time if I take too long and this place is big, if anyone sees a gem that looks like it's powering this place, go ahead and tell me on one of these phones. I mean, I could just look through every room myself, but I really don't want to. And if a bunch of humans are all hanging out here doing nothing anyway, I figure it won't be much more dangerous if you guys help out.

Uh, if you run into a room and it's some kind of death maze or something, though, run away.

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[Wirt makes such a face. It's not even the fact that she's purple or talking about gems as if they're people but she's eating ramen flavor packets. That's disgusting.]

...Um. Y-You know, you can get just about any food you want here, and not just...not just salty flavor packets. Right?

[Maybe she just didn't know! Maybe eating salty flavor packets is...normal......wherever she's from.

No, just kidding. It's not normal anywhere.]

Yeah, I know. I wanted ramen, I got ramen. [She takes another bite from the dry, crunchy noodle block.] This stuff's great. [Is it? Is it really?]

Uhhh...

[Ramen is mediocre on a good day, and that's when it's completely prepared. But he still looks like he doesn't want to commit to directly telling her that's probably the grossest thing he's seen somebody do today, even though it's written all over his face]

W-Wouldn't it be better if you like...made the ramen? With the noodles, a-and hot water...? Maybe?

Yeah, no. That takes way too long. Minutes, at least. I'd get bored and then just end up eating it halfway through anyway. It's much better this way.

But. ...But it's only a few minutes.

[His whole face is just silently screaming "Why?"]

And besides, there's magic kitchens and dining rooms a-and a diner upstairs somewhere! You wouldn't even have to cook for yourself!

You know, people have said this about macaroni and cheese "needing" water too, but who cares? It's good this way. [She gets a new ramen flavor packet and, peeling it open, slams it back and downs it in one go, getting it all over her mouth.]

O-Of course it needs water! Otherwise it's just cheese dust and uncooked macaroni! It's literally not even edible without water!

[He can't even watch this oh my god it's all over her face.]

Sounds like you need more cheese dust in your life. Come on, try some!

No. No way. Absolutely not.

[He shakes his head. You couldn't pay him to try it.]

Come on, don't be a weenie! Do it, do it, do it, do it! [She's just gonna keep chanting until he interrupts her.]

[Wirt manages to last a surprising amount of "do it"s before he finally breaks.]

N-No! No, that's completely disgusting! They're made to be mixed with water, o-otherwise it's basically just powder cheese and salt and who even knows what else is in there! P-Probably weird chemicals and just...ugh. Ugh. No!

[After the fact, he seems kind of embarrassed she got him to react like that, but he doesn't take any of it back.] ...A-And I'm. I'm not a weenie.

Edited 2015-04-28 19:02 (UTC)

[Oh man, this guy is a riot.] Hahahaha! Come on, weenie. If it wasn't made to be eaten it wouldn't be food! I know all about eating stuff that isn't food, and I'm not even asking you to eat paper or anything. Come on, it can't hurt just to try it!

[He's so scandalized by the idea of it.]

Some food has to be prepared first! Like, flour is food too but no one just sticks their hand in it and eats it like that, a-and no one would eat a stick of butter like it's a candy bar! It's so...grody.

[He wrinkles his nose. Nope. Nope. He is absolutely not eating cheese dust.]

"No one" does this, "no one" eats that, you shouldn't generalize like that. I eat butter all the time.

Why though? Why do you eat butter? Why would anyone eat butter?

[He's so distraught by this that it actually cracks his voice a little.]

Edited 2015-05-06 05:49 (UTC)

You can buy it in a grocery store, you can put it in your mouth. [You can also buy razors at a grocery store. Don't follow this rule.]

You can buy a lot of things at a grocery store that aren't food though...

[Protesting feels almost pointless at this point, but he's too horrified to just not say anything.]

If you can buy it at a store, it's food. Trust me. [Any store now. We've upgraded to any store.]

What? No! That's not true at all! You can buy batteries and glue and cleaning supplies at a store and none of those things are food.

[And some of them will actually kill you if you try and eat them...or at least they'll kill a normal human.]

[This conversation is going in circles. Amethyst sighs boredly and pours some laundry detergent into her mouth.]

W-WAIT, don't--!

[But it's too late. She just ate laundry detergent. She is going to make herself sick to her stomach (if not dead) just to prove a point, and Wirt is just stunned.]

O-Oh my gosh, c-calm down Wirt panicking isn't going to help here. [BREATHE, WIRT. BREATHE.] Y-You! Laundry detergent isn't edible! I-It has things in it that could probably poison you! There's a clinic here, maybe...I-I don't know if they can really pump stomachs in a place like Wonderland but...uh.

[...Huh. Somehow he feels like something bad should have happened by now, so his franticness slows to a halt, but he still seems very worried about her.]

Hahaha, are you really going to pump my stomach? That sounds gross. Let's do it! [Amethyst has no idea what pumping someone's stomach even entails. But just by the words alone, it sounds like her idea of a fun time.]

N-No! No, I...I'm...

[And Wirt stares, completely bewildered, because Amethyst is clearly okay.]

...how come that didn't kill you?

Kill me? Come on, don't be dramatic. [Suddenly, she stops, and her eyes go wide. She covers her mouth. Something is happening.

Then she burps loudly and a bunch of bubbles come rising up out of her mouth and into the air.]

What the...

[How can he not stare at that. She literally just burped up bubbles from eating laundry detergent.]

Are...a-are you, um. Not. Human?

[Is that insensitive? Can you really just ask people if they're human or not?]

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