video | A dead girl's guide to sucking

[alsoagirl]

I've been thinkin'. [ Typically a dangerous thing for her to do. ] I feel like sometimes, vampires get a bad rap around here. Sometimes back home for me too, but...that's not the point. Point is, we're not all that bad, really!

[ Hear her out! Like, this definitely wasn't inspired by her guilt loop and how most of it involved her being a bloodthirsty bitchy bitch to her ex and ex's mom. Losing someone important to her wasn't worth the thrill of getting a little vengeance. ]

I know, totally hard to believe, right? But with more of my "kind" here, I don't want anyone gettin' all antsy and stuff. Not that it's happened. But it might.

[ She is most definitely not referring to a certain someone whose last name begins with an F and ends with an itz. There's probably a "fucking asshole" or two thrown in there for good measure, too. ]

So! [ She beams brightly. ] I figured I'd put together a little list to help clear the air some. Just keep in mind some of my fanged friends are weirder than others, okay?

[ After clearing her throat, she grabs her list and glances down at it to read. ]

One, just 'cause we like blood doesn't mean we're gonna go suckin' people dry. We ask permission or take donations.

[ ...Mostly true. ]

Two, we don't sleep in coffins. Like, seriously? Ugh. Why're so many movie vampires so goddamn weird? But I guess it's better than sleepin' under the floorboards like I used to have to back home. Yeah, don't ask.

Anyway, three. [ And now it's starting to get apparent that her list miiight not be super well thought out. Well, more apparent. ] We've got cool powers, but that doesn't mean we go abusin' 'em all the time. I mean, yeah, okay, I know it's obnoxious as fuck when I zip around all the time, but if you could run at like fifty miles an hour, you'd wanna do it all the time too, right? And sometimes it's fun to do stupid shit! It's--it's just cool.

[ There's a pause as she purses her lips awkwardly then gingerly puts her list down. She's begun to realize a lot of her examples boil down to LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. ]

Um. Well. I don't wanna hurt anyone. I like helpin' way more than bein' terrifyin'. [ Then, after a longer pause: ] That's all for now. Bye.

[ Thanks for listening to the unofficial vampire ambassador's TED talk. ]

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[Audio]

[shslliar]

[As someone who is keeping an eye on the Fucking asshole-itz situation, he may as well give his two cents.]

Hey, wouldn't Wonderland provide you with free blood anyway? I mean, it already gives you regular food out of nowhere.

audio

[alsoagirl]

[ Her eyes narrow for a second or two. She's started to associate this voice with shenanigans. ]

Well, duh. Course it does. People get judgemental if I get blood the better way, anyhow. 'Sides, it'd be pretty obvious if someone was goin' around drainin' people.

[ And she definitely has had zero experience dealing with dead people. ]

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[shslliar]

[AS SHE SHOULD]

Yup! We'd sure have a pretty big mess on our hands, wouldn't we?

Luckily, we have closets that somehow provide blood from who-knows-where like the creepiest blood bank ever!

[alsoagirl]

[ She snorts. ] Probably not. Wouldn't be much blood to clean up, 'less you had a messy eater.

[ If she was going to theoretically be a bad vampire, she'd go full goddamn bad, okay. Can't waste all the good stuff. ]

Y'know, you seem real focused on my eatin' habits. Worried I'm gonna come bite you?

[ Gotta really drive home how nice vampires are and all. ]

[shslliar]

[Lady, you brought it up. But Kokichi's gonna take this thing and run with it.]

Who, me? Naaaah. I'm just taking notes in case the vampire I know from my world ever shows up.

[Kokichi, you don't even have actual vampires in your world.]

[alsoagirl]

[ He's the one that keeps talking about it! ]

I wouldn't mind it. [ An eyebrow goes up. ] But you shouldn't be basin' your vampire notes on me. I'm a weird vampire.

[ It was such a painful realization. Pity her. ]

[shslliar]

... Lady, there are people from all over the Multiverse in this mansion. You can't say you're the weird vampire when we have like a million vampire species running around.

[alsoagirl]

Okay, first. Don't call me lady. I'm not some old biddy. Eww. And two, yeah I can! All the other vampires here are normal!

[ She huffs, pursing her lips for a moment, even if he can't see her. ] It's like bein' a human with a goddamn tail. A.k.a. not normal.

[shslliar]

Okay, girl. I'll try to remember that.

[He'd stick out his tongue if he could be seen.]

Really? Really? Tell me, how many vampires do you know here?

[alsoagirl]

Ugh! Don't call me girl, either! That's way rude!

[ Seriously, Kokichi, get with it!

She's about to rattle off a bunch of names, being the blabbermouth that she usually is, but some small voice in her head that she rarely listens to makes her reconsider. After what she and Kol had been through, maaaybe it wasn't a good idea to expose people who possibly didn't want to be exposed. ]

Anyway, the...number's greater than one. So there.

[ A sufficiently exact amount. ]

[shslliar]

Well, excuuuuuuuse me, princess! What am I supposed to call you?

[Congrats, "princess," now the sass has been doubled.

Kokichi's not explicitly looking to become a vampire, he's just trying to prove a point.]

Alright then. Out of that number greater than one, what percentage of the population is not from the same world as you?