entranceway | Channel 12: Wonderland News (text)

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Channel 12: Wonderland News (text)

PAT, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE. I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU GUYS FAIL TO FIGURE ANY OF THIS OUT WITH YOUR TWO EYES FOR MONTHS NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THE AUTHORITY FINDS THIS KIND OF THING ENTERTAINING! EIGHT OF YOU HAVE THOSE SHINY LITTLE JARS WITH MAGIC INSIDE THEM! YOU'RE GOING TO BE TEMPTED TO GIVE THEM TO ALICE, SO SHE CAN START TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T HER CAT! GIVE IT A REST, KID, GET A HOBBY! AS USUAL, THOUGH, YOUR INSTINCTS ARE COMPLETELY WRONG! WHEN ALICE OPENED THAT LAST JAR, WE LOST PART OF THE MANSION! EVERY TIME THE CORE GETS ONE OF YOU AND YOU IMMEDIATELY FORGET THAT IT GOT YOU, WONDERLAND'S BEEN GETTING NEW FEATURES! I'M GOING TO VENTURE A GUESS BASED ON THE MEMORY SHE JUST GOT BACK THAT HER MEMORIES ARE THE ONLY THING KEEPING MOST OF THE BUILDING STANDING! "WOW, SO IF WE GIVE BACK HER MEMORIES, WE CAN GO HOME!" NO, AND SHUT UP BACK THERE! I'M TALKING! IF SHE GETS THEM BACK, WONDERLAND WON'T BE GONE! SHE CLEARLY DIDN'T MAKE THE CORE, OR SHE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FED ON IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'M GONNA SLOW THIS ONE DOWN FOR YOU GUYS, SOME OF YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOU'RE COLORING WITH A FULL SET OF CRAYONS! IF THE KID GETS BACK THOSE MEMORIES, YOU'RE STILL TRAPPED! BUT NOW, YOU DON'T HAVE A BUILDING TO LIVE IN! OR FOOD! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE THINGS, BUT I'VE HEARD THEY'RE PRETTY POPULAR IF YOU'RE A WADDLING MANNEQUIN MADE OF HAIR AND MEAT THAT CALLS ITSELF A HUMAN PERSON! "BUT BILL CIPHER!" YOU SAY, EVEN THOUGH I JUST TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP. WOW! BAD AT LISTENING. "WHY WARN US ABOUT THIS? OUR BUMBLING INTO DISASTER WOULD BE BOTH FUNNY AND EDUCATIONAL! LIKE GLOBAL WARMING!" BECAUSE I CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM! OH YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUYS CAN SAVE THE LITTLE GIRL AND NOT HAVE TO BE HOMELESS! WOULDN'T THAT FEEL NICE ON YOUR INTERNAL SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG? WARM AND COZY? ALL THIS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF YOUR COOPERATION. WITH YOURS TRULY! WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I say I'm definitely not stupid to make a deal with you again.

I ARGUE THAT YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH! KIDDO BUDDY PINE TREE PAL! I DON'T WANT YOU DEAD! LET'S WORK TOGETHER ON THIS ONE.

Yeah sure cause you can't possess a dead body, right?

OH, I DON'T DO THAT ANY MORE. I'M A NICE GUY NOW!

And yet here you are, making deals. What do you want this time, our souls? Baby teeth?

Edited 2019-12-27 05:38 (UTC)

WOW, SO LITTLE FAITH, PINE TREE. I'M HURT! ALL I WANT IS EVERYBODY'S HELP WITH A PROJECT OF MINE!

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This sounds suspiciously like making some kinda deal with you.

Edited 2019-12-08 02:46 (UTC)

WOW, THE BRAIN TRUST FINALLY CHIMES IN! YOU GOT ANY OTHER SCINTILLATING COMMENTARY?

[Alice looks absolutely horrified by this theory, for a few different reasons.]

Dinah is a perfectly good hobby! Besides, that's absolutely ridiculous. My memories might not be all there now, but I came to Wonderland just like everyone else did! Other people were there!

[They're protests from someone who doesn't actually sound very sure of what she's saying, however.]

WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU SHOWED UP?

Hm...well, it was a different mansion when I arrived, for one thing. It was a bit smaller and less infinite - more like a manor, I suppose? Then even more people showed up, and we tried to build more space but then Wonderland just made everything bigger.

[That part she remembers, because everyone laughed at her ideas for the building.]

A lot was the same though, I think. There was still an ocean and a forest, and things like that. It's hard to remember though? It was more than one hundred and fifty years ago, and that's a lot to keep track of.

[Especially with all of them memories she has lost, and all of the past conversations that have had holes poked in them because of it.]

MAYBE I'M WRONG! YOU WANT TO RISK THAT? NO SKIN OFF MY BACK!

N-No! Besides, I never told anyone to give me anything! I already got my own jar, and others are missing memories too. I can't say it wouldn't be nice to remember more, but no one has to do anything of the sort!

[No one needs to risk all of Wonderland for her sake, even if she doesn't think the two are as related as he thinks.]

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wait this has been text on bill's end i'm sorry ive just been mindlessly copying the header

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lol it's okay I do that kind of thing all the time

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[When Stan sees this post, he squints at it for a long time. Damn it, he doesn't like how much sense it makes.]

GIMME ONE GOOD REASON WHY ANY OF US OUGHTA BELIEVE YOU, YOU TWO-BIT CON ARTIST.

[After all, the best lies are ones that sound like they could be true.]

YEAH, HOW'S THE VIEW FROM THE GLASS HOUSE, BUDDY? YOU GOT A HECK OF A STONE ARM THERE, WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED. GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE TIME TO VERIFY ANYTHING I JUST SAID! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE, I'M SITTING PRETTY!

What does cooperation involve?

OHHH, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING GOOD.

[did bill not actually have a plan when he made this post?]

Can you define "good"?

PHILOSOPHERS HAVE BEEN DEBATING THAT VERY THING FOR CENTURIES!

When you're evasive like that, it makes it sound like something I don't want to be a part of.

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I could go into the inappropriateness of calling this news when it's a smoldering pile of biased garbage, but I suspect you don't care.

[She cares. She cares SO MUCH.]

What's your solution?

UNBIASED NEWS? NOW, THAT DOESN'T SOUND PROFITABLE AT ALL! I'M A TALENTED GUY. I COULD JUST SNAP MY FINGERS AND RESTORE ANYTHING THAT VANISHES. LEAVE IT TO ME!

That might worry me if I lived somewhere with an economy.

[No, it wouldn't, because she's not alone, and while her side of the site has never been the most lucrative, it's still important. Her point still stands.]

Okay, so do it.

TO PROVE I CAN DO IT? SURE. POOL'S COMING BACK FOR FIVE MINUTES! ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!

[Snap.

The chunk of mansion that vanished when Alice came back slots back into place. The pool is cleaner than its ever been, somehow.

Do all the tiles have faint, screaming faces in them now? Maybe. He's trying his hardest to make the sample product look nice, but some things slipped through.

Unseen by Bill, a massive chunk of forest vanishes.]

Is five minutes the most you can do?

[But fine, ugh, she rushes from her office down to the room where the pool used to be and catches it just as the new pool vanishes again. What's more interesting is that she sees the trees popping back into place through the window. Interesting.]

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