text; locked to owen harper -> forward-dated to after the event

[torchwoodteaboy]

[Jack has gone wandering, as he does some nights, and Ianto can't sleep. He's got something on his mind. Well, he's always got something on his mind, but right now he's thinking about Jack. And his death. And how he doesn't know. He doesn't know, and Ianto's thinking that he might need to tell him. It's a thought that definitely doesn't help him sleep. So he reaches out to Owen. He can only hope that he's still awake, and if not, that he won't wake the other man up in sending him this message. At...1:15 in the morning, he notes with a wince, checking the time of the message as he sends it.]

Hey. Are you still up?

Comments

[torchwoodteaboy]

[They were having a moment. At least, Ianto had thought that they were having a moment, up until the point that Owen had broken it with his commentary. The fact that he had broken it was jarring, and Ianto has a harder time trying to figure out what to do with himself now that it's apparently abruptly over than he did while the moment was occurring. And then Owen mentions Jack. And maybe it's the hurt that's already coloring his thoughts thanks to the interruption or maybe it's the alcohol in his veins, or maybe some combination of both, that inspires Ianto to speak up rather than keep quiet like he might otherwise have done.]

[He glances at the other man, his expression still pretty hurt, despite whatever efforts Owen had made at trying to soften what he had said before.] It was a month, Owen. A month of my life spent being fucking useless on your couch, waiting for a man who had left me to maybe possibly return for me, hating him for being gone, for having left things the way he did, praying he'd come back to me because even after it all I still needed him here. I couldn't even be properly angry at him because I knew it wasn't his choice, it wasn't his fault. I wanted to get out of your hair because I didn't know whether you were letting me stay there because you actually wanted to or out of some sort of obligation because I was Torchwood and just about as pathetic as they came. I wanted to stay because where the hell else would I go that wouldn't be so damn lonely all the bloody time but right where I was.

So yeah, it was pretty shit, and I've only just gotten used to the idea that maybe it won't go back to that, but Jack still doesn't know that I've died and maybe it will go spiraling down that same damn path that it did before, but if it does I would really appreciate you being a friend and not being an arse when I'm only trying to say something to help you, alright? [Angrily, and more than a bit emotionally, Ianto tosses back the rest of his drink and slams his tumbler down on the coffee table, perhaps with a little force than he intended to but he's trying to make a point there as well.]

[doctorweevil]

If you break your glass and slice your fucking hand open because you're trying to be dramatic, I'm not giving you any anaesthetic when I stitch you up.

[Owen knows he deserves to be told off, and he really does feel bad for Ianto, as much as he ever feels bad for anyone - and it has to be said that he has been more sympathetic here than he ever has been in his life, whether that's because of Clara or because he's made a concerted effort to change after dying and coming back (twice), or a combination of both. But whatever it is, it hasn't been enough to change him entirely. He might be trying, but he's still an arse, still not good with people.]

I'm not sure why you expect anything of me other than being a prick. Tosh was the last person to do that, and look where it got her. [Owen laughs humourlessly as he polishes off his own drink.] She tried to be nice to me, and I shouted at her and broke my own goddamn finger to drive her off. I'm a shit friend, a shit boyfriend, a shit- well, everything else. So maybe I'll keep making smart-arsed remarks, because I don't know what the fuck else to do, but when things go to shit, Ianto, I'll still be there to pick up the pieces and haul your arse back onto my sofa, same as you'd do for me if I needed it. I'm not fucking nice, and I don't pretend to be a good person, no matter what Clara might think, and I sure as fuck wouldn't keep you around just because I'm taking pity on you. I'm not good at talking about feelings and shit, all right? I mean, that's what we were just fucking talking about, Christ. I walk on eggshells a lot around Clara, so just- please, don't make me do it with you, too.

[torchwoodteaboy]

[Ianto leaves the glass on the coffee table where he'd placed it, moving to run his hands through his hair and fighting back the urge to make a frustrated sound, instead breathing deeply and trying to get himself to calm down. The last thing he needs is an actual row with Owen. Whether the other man approves or is even aware of the fact, he is rapidly becoming Ianto's best mate, and Ianto doesn't want to ruin that just because he can't accept that Owen had a moment where he was...well, himself, in the middle of their conversation.]

You don't need to walk on eggshells around me. [he says, after a moment's pause] Just. Don't shit in my face, yeah? Not like that. I was only trying to help. You've already done so much for me in this place already, I. Would have liked to return the favor. At least a little. [He shakes his head.] Never mind, it doesn't matter. [Actually, yes, it does. That much is clear on Ianto's face. But he really wants Owen to be able to be candid with him, so. He supposes he needs to be better with rolling with the punches. Even when those punches actually really do hurt.]

[doctorweevil]

Yeah, I- I'm sorry. It's just sort of an automatic defence mechanism, you know? Being a wanker whenever anyone tries to show me the slightest bit of kindness. [His shoulders slump a little and he glances down, away from Ianto.] Used to do it to keep people away, 'cos I didn't want them getting close. Suppose it's kind of pointless now, between you and Clara, but it still happens sometimes. I don't mean it, Ianto, not really.

[He tips some more whiskey into his glass, swirling it for a few moments before he takes a drink.] And I do appreciate it, you listening and not, well, laughing at me. I'd probably laugh at me, because I'm bloody ridiculous. I mean, I fucking love her so much it hurts, Ianto, and I can't say it to her because part of me's positive that if I do, I'll lose her, because that's just how my entire shitty life has been. That's how fucking Torchwood is. And no matter how many times she tries to tell me it'll change and we won't lose each other, that she's impossible and fate-defying and all that nonsense, I just- I can't, Ianto. I've lost enough in my life and I can't do it again. You know what happened last time, because you were bloody well there. [In fact, Ianto shot him, but he's just not going to mention that fact.]

[torchwoodteaboy]

[Ianto appreciates the apology from Owen. He knows how rare it is to get one out of the other man, after all. It shows how far they've come as friends, really. He appreciates the admittance that he was just doing it for self-preservation, to keep himself out of arm's reach, rather than because he actually had meant it. Maybe Ianto could have reasoned that out eventually, but it did his emotions good to hear it straight from the source.

He's glad that Owen appreciates him for who he is, for the listening. God knows he probably wouldn't be able to open up to the other man in quite the same way, not without things getting uncomfortable. Because he's involved with Jack and despite what Owen might say or pretend on the matter, Jack is the man's captain. But this, moments and conversations like the one that they were having now? He can do this, certainly.

And yes, Ianto was there the last time Owen lost someone. And he'd barely known Diane for a week. Clara he'd been getting to know, dating, for months now. But. Ianto's starting to get it, what's scaring Owen the most. Not the relationship itself, but letting himself have one and then losing it. It's much the same motivation that's kept Ianto from talking to Jack thus far. The fear of loss. Losing something that's truly special to him.

Ianto struggles to find words that will both be meaningful and also something that Owen won't toss aside for making him too uncomfortable.] This isn't like last time. And Clara isn't Diane. You're not the same person now you were then either, for that matter. [He glances at the other man.] Look, I'm not going to try and give you some sort of pep talk. You've made it pretty clear you wouldn't appreciate anything like that. But. It's okay. To be afraid. But don't let that stop you from enjoying the good parts, too, yeah?

[doctorweevil]

You know, weird thing is, I probably wouldn't want anything more serious now if it hadn't been for Diane. We were only together for a few days, but she...she reminded me of what it was like to be that close to someone. [And what it was like to lose someone.] It made all the sleeping around just seem so fucking pointless. [Not that he'd stopped entirely - he wasn't quite willing to go that far - but he'd done it a lot less.]

At least I know Clara won't leave me. [She's independent, like Diane, but he knows she wouldn't abandon him, even if she could.] Doesn't mean this place won't take her from me, but it won't be her choice. Mind, I'm still trying to figure out how someone like her could love me. [Owen laughs bitterly, shaking his head.]

[torchwoodteaboy]

[Ianto nods, before going to fill his tumbler up again. He does understand. Hell, he had thought that he would never be in a relationship again, let alone a serious one. And then he had ended up falling for none other than Captain Jack Harkness, professional flirt and the last person on Earth to be able to nail down in a relationship, as far as he can tell. At least, a relationship with the label of one on it. He knows that Jack loves him. Jack knows the he loves him in return. But there's so much more to what they are, and short of actually talking to Jack about it...

Never mind that, though. Owen probably won't want to hear it and they're talking about Owen right now anyway.] Stranger things have happened, Owen. [Ianto isn't going to tell Owen that he's selling himself short, but it's definitely implied in his tone of voice.]

[doctorweevil]

[Owen might be arrogant and cocky, especially when it comes to sex, but he also knows himself entirely too well. He knows what he's like - that he tends to be a shitty person quite a lot of the time, that his arrogance is really a facade, one of the tools he's always used to push people away from him. And, quite frankly, he's not sure he deserves love or happiness or any of that bollocks. But he sure as hell isn't going to voice any more insecurity than he's already done.]

I'm used to strange things happening. What I'm not used to is good things happening, at least, not to me.