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[The screen doesn't quite flicker on so much as there is a vibrant flash of green. Then blue. Then a whir of blues and greens.]

[But do not be alarmed! Tis only Brittany a lovely peacock strutting for the camera somewhere in the gardens. Can peacocks strut? Of course they can. They're the cocks of the walks, after all. DWI.]

[Although this one appears to be strutting with a little less pizzaz. And a little more...apologetically? The peacock's head does dip down low for a moment. Disappearing beneath the camera screen for a moment before rising one more, with a small sign in its mouth. There are four letters scribbled on the paper, barely legible. Like a child's handwriting. Or a peacock who had to hold the pen in its mouth:]

H - E - P - L!

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[ Oh. Oh, well then, that is very clearly a peacock showing up on the screen. And what's more, the peacock is writing. ]

Are you alright? Can you understand me?

[ And actually, that brings up a brilliant point. If he ever changes into whatever animal he's supposed to be, presumably a red panda, since there's a horde of them following him around, he'll have to work out how to communicate. ]

[Oh! A person! A person who...wanted to help?]

[There was a moment when the peacock's mouth started to open. Except, no, wait, she wasn't supposed to let people know she could talk, right? That's how secrets worked. That's why she was so clever to think to write instead! Nobody would ever suspect them.]

[So, instead of a verbal response, the peacock circled once around, then bobbed its head up and down. No, it wasn't hurt. Yes, it could understand.]

[A moment later, and its head then dipped below the screen once more. When it came back...it was holding a very stylish tank top.]

[ Excuse him, the Doctor's just going to gape for a bit, because it's not every day that he sees a peacock who can write. ]

You're brilliant, you are. Brilliant and fascinating. But where did you come from? I think I would've known if there was a peacock around the place.

[ He raises an eyebrow at the tank top the peacock's holding. ]

What's that about, then? Is that yours, or did you nick that off someone?

[ Why would a peacock have clothes? This is all very odd. ]

[Without human words to respond, she could only let out a...surprisingly cute peacock cry.]

[Putting the shirt down, next came the shorts. Stylish dark denim with an intricate stitch pattern on the pockets and a couple of rhinestones where the buttons would normally be. Then, she nudged the camera downward to see a pile of shoes and socks and a hat.]

[One person's wardrobe. Not exactly a nicking haul.]

Oh, I see. You're a person that's been turned into a peacock.

[ Now it all makes sense. ]

Can't you change back?

[Was it possible for peacocks' eyes to widen? Because if it was, Brittany's was widening right now. She paused to look right...then left...then leaned in a little further. The next sounds The Doctor will hear sound like a strange echo.]

You know about that?

'Course I do.

[ It's not really surprising when she speaks, actually. They're technically relatives, although he's lost track of who is who, since there's so many of them running around the place now. ]

I can do it too, although I'm not a peacock.

[...Family! That certainly changed everything.]

Then what are you?

[ It's nice having family. Really, really nice. ]

I'm a red panda. It's not so bad, stubby little legs and all.

That sounds so cute! ...can I see?

Cute? Well, I suppose it could be, but I can't just change on a whim. It doesn't really work that way.

[ At least, that's his understanding of it. There has to be some sort of physical contact to start the change. ]

[Oh. That's right. She'd nearly forgotten; he had to get touched by somebody of the opposite gender in order to change.]

Well...can you call me when it happens?

Suppose I could, yeah. Your name's Brittany, isn't it?

[ Honestly, it's not a huge thing, him turning into a red panda, but if she wants to see him in that form, then he'll just go along with it. Maybe. ]

That's right.

This is my phone, too, so you can just reach me here. I figured out how to turn it on with my beak in case I'm changed again.

Right, then, if it happens, you'll be the first to know.

[ The only thing worse than a peacock writing in pen is an eagle trying to type. ]

W HT

[ He scratches the screen with his talons and sheds a single tear. Actually, I'm pretty sure eagles don't do that, but he pretends he's shedding a single tear. ]

[If it makes him feel any better, she could always imagine an American Flag waving behind him?]

im naked

[But still looking fabulous]

[...]

[...well, he did ask.]

[ There are a few appropriate ways to react when a cousin tells you this. Alfred does not realize this and continues the Hetalia tradition of sketchy family relations. ]

ME 2 W NNA B NAKD 2GETHR?

[ Truly he is making West Virginia proud. ]

WE CA NVITE LUKE 2

[...]

[...sound legit to her.]

im in the grden. cum ovr! luke 2!

[When he is told to go to the garden, his first thought is not that his BF/F's are now blood-related avialae, but that the universe is screwing with him.

Or Brittany and America are screwing with him. Also entirely likely. Sure, they're friends who've hung out in diners together, but Luke's paranoid self-absorption says of course the only thing they have in common is kissing him.

If he knew they were having a naked party, he might throw himself out the window there and then, but instead he's not, he just wanders into the garden with uncursed sketchiness.]

[ And after sending his text to Luke telling him "GO 2 GARDN" he founders his way out the window with the gracelessness only a near-sighted eagle can achieve. Once in the air he's fine, it's just going in for the landing that's a problem.

He squints at something green and flashy and figures that it's Brittany. As he goes in to land next to it, he realizes no, that's the lily pads flashing in the fountain, and he stumbles and falls as he fails at a landing.

It's amazing how he hasn't broken anything yet. ]

HEY BRIT!

[ He just yells into the air, hoping she is nearby and will come to him before he ends up talking to a bush for half an hour. Again. ]

[Have Luke and America ever seen a giant peacock running towards them with a wide-beaked grin? Because, at that very moment, there was a giant peacock running towards them with a wide-beaked grin.]

[Two guesses who it was]

[Luke would like to ask the audience. Luke has no idea what's going on or why there are so many birds, like, falling out of the sky or barrelling towards him like a quarterback with no teeth and a horrifically wide mouth.

All he knows is he is once more confronted with his greatest foe. Nature. He jumps to get out of the peacock's path, tries not to kick the... eagle? maybe? And catches himself on the edge of the fountain. Startled by America's voice coming from nowhere, he goes arse-first into the water, giving himself a pretty solid bruise in the process.

Clearly, the only thing to do is hope splashing everything in sight is an effective way of scaring predatory birds.]

Bloody-! Stay away, birds! Go home!

[ As if this whole act is completely routine (Luke freaks out about obviously cute animals, said animals reveal themselves to be his friends, life resumes as normal) the eagles rights himself and struts not at all awkwardly to the fountain, hopping up on the ledge and peering down. The splashing has no effect because freedom doesn't give a fuck.

Also because he's good with snow and fishing and all things Alaskan. ]

There ya are Luke! Glad ya could make it! Kinda hard to type with these [ he lifts a talon unsteadily ] so I wasn't sure if ya got the message to join the naked party.

Eek! No fair! You have hands!

[The voice sounded like Brittany. It was coming from the general direction of the peacock...though that certainly wasn't a mouth on her. Not literally.]

I'm also not taking off my feathers. They're too pretty.

[Okay. Everyone’s birds. That’s okay. It’s an event. Luke’s not a bird, but that’s probably because he’s Luke. Brittany and America aren’t freaked out about being birds, but that’s because they’re Brittany and America.

That’s two items on his mental checklist of What the Fuck. The third is one that cannot be dismissed so easily.]

Naked party?

[Luke is a little terrified. Not too terrified, because it’s Brittany and America. Who can imagine what conversation transpired between them to lead to a naked party. It’s amazing when every conversation between Brittany and America doesn’t lead to a naked party. But it’s still a pretty bizarre thing to be invited to.]

That’s… not fair, either. You’re birds.

[Have you noticed that yet, guys?]

I could not be a bird.

[ A helpful offer that is explained in such detail that Luke couldn't possibly have any questions left. ]

But that's gonna take a bit. Besides, Brittany's pretty!

[ He gestures to her tail feathers with a wing. Speaking of, he cocks his head toward her in a weird birdy way. ]

Don't think feathers count, so we're good! It's just Luke that's overdressed for the occasion.

Hey, it's not like I did it on purpose! This guy ran into me and--

[Of course, Brittany could only make it halfway through that sentence before she was suddenly engulfed in a cloud of smoke. Then she was engulfed in nothing at all.]

...kind of the opposite of that.

[Well, at least she's now appropriately dressed for the Naked Party?]

I think they do count-

[He tries to be heard over everyone chattering at once. It's almost like a normal conversation between them, except he's incredibly distracted by them being birds making bird movements.

He reaches out to poke America's beak, sketchily, because poking wild predators is not really a smart move, and is halfway through touching Brittany's yes, very pretty tail feathers, when she snaps back into humanity.

It's utterly fascinating. What is that, a biodamper? Where does the extraneous mass go? How does she retain normal human cognition in her transformed state?

And then he realises he's feeling up his naked BFF in front of his boyfriend, who's currently got his head on sideways, and he jerks back with a frantic shake of his head. Because that will erase this entire happening. Shrugging off his cardigan, he holds it out to Brittany while focusing extremely hard on the clouds.]

So this guy turned you both into birds? Do you know who it was? We have to find him and stop him. He can't get away with that.

[ People appearing nude in a puff of smoke is the new norm for America. Sometimes it's in the midst of being touched, so he's not really phased beyond a wistful hope that Luke will have his hands on America when he poofs back to human shape. Preferably his tail feathers too. A beak is fine too. He doesn't react much except to do that weird blink birds of prey do.

But since he's still got some time ticking on his arbitrary clock before he can turn back, he's left craning his head up to look between Luke and Brittany. And cock his head some more. ]

Ain't no one turned us. Well, I mean, you need contact with the opposite sex to make it happen, but the potential's always been there! You know that. Reason why it's so great we're both fellas: don't have to worry about triggering it when we're gettin' hot and heavy, hah!

[ Instead of an actual laugh, it dips into an eagle's screech and he opens his mouth wide in an attempt to smile. ]

Dunno if you've seen in action though. Show 'im Brit! Give him a hug!

[ Get your naked girl cousin to hug your boyfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this situation. ]

[Absolutely nothing wrong at all!]

[At least, Brittany doesn't seem to think so, because the very next thing she does is forgo Luke's offer of clothing in favor of a quick hug. Very quick, nakedness aside, because not a second later, she disappeared once more into a puff of smoke.]

[The ~~bitch~~ peacock was back.]

No, that's okay-!

[He stiffens as Brittany goes in for the hug (sadly not in that way), and gawks as she returns to post-dinosaur state.

Okay, this event must be way weirder than he thought. Best thing to do must be to humour them both. Sure, he's always know about this terrifying and unholy transformation ability. He's not planning the best way to escape from these chilling stares and piercing shrieks.

If only Luke had found god before this day.]

Right. All Americans turn into birds. Totally, totally forgot. You'd think it would come up more often.

Hansen Experimental Physics Laboratory? [ His confusion is apparent as he squints at the sign through his glasses. ]

You're a physicist from Stanford? That's definitely fascinating, but I don't see how that has anything to do with your... oh, wait a second. Oh!

[ Flustered, he quickly switches from video to text. ]

You wouldn't happen to have meant HELP?

[A closeup of a peacock nose as Brittany took the time to read the message. Oh!]

[A bob up and down. She was nodding her head. Help. Yes, help was what she meant.]

I can be right there. Can you text or tell me your location somehow? Best not to leave the room if you're alone. Or should I find a friend to help? Someone you know?

[ He's not going to mention that his boyfriend has several cats that may or may not be capable of eating a large bird, but it's still a concern. He's hoping his peacock is secure, wherever it is. ]

g-a-r-d-n

[It would have been so ironic for Brittany to fear his boyfriend in feline form, given her usual adoration of cats. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind once.]

[ Garden. Oh. Well, that’s unfortunate. Carlos doesn’t want to panic the poor bird- er, person- but he knows for a fact that there are cats out there. Whether they could take a peacock down is debatable, but it’s really not worth the risk. ]

I’ll be out there soon. Try to find a place to hide if you can. Or just don’t make any loud peacock noises and you should be alright. Do peacocks make loud noises? I'm a scientist not a zoologist.

[No. No, it's not. Considering her first instinct would still be to head towards a cat.]

o-k ill b hre

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HELLO JUST IGNORE ME

NEVER

YOU SPEAK BLASPHEMY UP THERE

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