entranceway | 2 🐻 VIDEO.

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( BACKDATED TO DEC. 1 )

[ it's evident barry's at the bar — or a bar, given how his phone's sort of sitting on the top of a tipped over bowl that had held peanuts — with a few empty bottles around him. his efforts to get drunk have proven fruitless, but barry allen is determined. ]

So, uh … [ barry looks a little tired, hair a slight mess, but he's not slurring his words. he wishes he was. ] What are you supposed to do when someone leaves? Does time kind of stop? Do rabbit holes appear out of nowhere for people to fall upwards out of?

[ it wasn't really covered in the pamphlet how you're supposed to react when someone just up and disappears. barry's never been good at that. he's tried running and he's almost going to catch a cold with how wet he always is. (his clothes are a little damp from running so fast and him winding up spluttering in the pool.) ]

Iris — Iris West, she went home. [ without him, but that's implied by how his tone drops and then picks up quickly, almost like barry doesn't need to take a breath. ] Can someone bring me a brownie? I kind of ate all the ones I brought with me and all I've got is peanuts. [ he flicks a shell a little too fast, a very brief flash of gold sparking. ] And maybe a broom. I kind of made a mess. Sorry ...

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[she doesn't want barry to see her wrecking the room iris helped her so beautifully to put back together. doesn't want anyone to see the names she's writing up on the wall. and there are more to write, but she's stopped because her hand started to shake, because she was starting to make a big mess, and she wants-

most of it is like iris made for her, based on what clementine would love, but- but these ugly splotches of people who have died, who have been lost, who are gone.]

I looked too. [her voice is small. it's nice to talk about it with someone who cares, who knew her far better than clem ever would, who loved her too. not that she ever told her that.] I looked all over.

I just hoped I was wrong. [she lets out a low breath.]

I'm sorry.

[ he winces at that, fearful of sounding like a broken record even though he's just begun to play. ]

[ as much as losing iris hurts him, barry's never coped with loss well at all. if he can focus on anything else, he does. when mom had died and dad had been taken away, he'd focused on being as strong as any pillar, so if any davids tried to throw a stone at him, he wouldn't be the goliath that fell. but that had been all wrong and messed up, and joe had shown him that there was more weakness in that than there ever would be in breaking just a little. ]

Iris is going to be fine. She's going to go back inside and hang out with her dad and brother for the rest night. [ he thinks to clarify: ] Back home. That's where she was before she came here.

It's not your fault. You don't have to keep apologizing, and she- You two were y'know... you two.

[it has to be harder for him, but if he ever goes home, he'll at least get to see her again. it's that reminder most people do want to go home. iris would want to go back for her family. barry would want to go back to see iris too.

it's good to hear it even if she's still angry to have lost her at all.]

It's good to know she'll be fine, but- It's still hard, right? To be here without her. It's shitty.

[she's not really looking for comfort. it's hard for her to accept it in general. she has to be really close to anyone to let them in enough to see when it hurts, when she hurts, but she is looking- hoping to talk about iris with someone else who hurts over her loss. that's- that helps.

and maybe it'll help him too. she won't ask if he's okay, and she won't act like she can make this better. she can't.]

Yeah. [ he sounds and looks distant, like he's somewhere else with how his gaze shifts to the side and becomes unfocused. ]

[ he'd once had a conversation with iris about string theory, leading him to wonder if his actions would affect the barry and iris of earth-2, and all the other earths in the multiverse. he'd pondered it, lost some sleep over it, and had seemingly forgotten it once an event had rocked wonderland. but now he's thinking about it, and wonders if he'll ever see the iris he grew up with again if he saves mom. ]

[ she has to be there, the same iris as she is now. she's one of the only constants in his life that he full-heartedly believes in. but barry doesn't trust speed, even though the speed force has taught him to place his faith within it when he feels lost. ]

[ he scratches his jaw, uncertain. ]

Sorry for being weird. [ it may not seem like an abrupt shift in conversation once he says it, but once he continues, he can feel how he's trying to run away from where she's sort of going and where his head's definitely travelling. ] Before. I'm always weird, but — I shouldn't have made things feel weird. [ he perks up a little: ] I really liked painting your room! It's pretty relaxing.

Why are you always weird? [clementine can tell he's running, and she's not really ready to deal with it either so she lets it happen. she has lost so, so, so many people, but she's never had to deal with it, because it was always moving forward.

she was always surviving, and now- now there's nowhere to go. nothing to do. no walkers to take out.

there's just this ache, this hollow space where iris should be]

Yeah? I liked that too. I didn't know how to make a room on my own. [she's walking towards the bar now with brownies. and a broom, which is hauled over her shoulder. she's- barry is a part of iris, and maybe he's the only part of her that remains. iris loved him, and clementine can't really turn her heart off to anything- anyone iris touched.]

I'm not like everyone else.

[ it's an easy answer when he's the flash. as barry allen, it's a little too much. he's always believed himself to be separated from his peers, a kid who lost his parents at eleven, moved in with the girl he liked most, and had grown up so passionate about getting his dad out of jail despite everyone else believing him to be guilty. barry allen has never been normal, and he's beginning understand why. ]

[ he lifts a hand to brush his fingers against his neck, not that she can see. it's a confession of his own that he doesn't quite understand. ]

If you need help touching up, I've got a paintbrush ready. I can reach the really high bits. Iris says I'm a beanpole.

You are a beanpole.

[clementine says this in person now that she's finally arrived. she doesn't know what barry means about not being like everyone else. it's not... something she's ever really thought about before. why people would be different, how that would come about.]

But thanks for the offer. I kinda... messed it up. My wall.

[she walks over to the bar and then sets the brownies up there beside him.] At least I wasn't the only one. [barry definitely made a mess too]

[ it's embarrassing, but barry jumps when he hears her. turning his phone over, he looks over his shoulder, watching her walk into the bar like it's no big thing and sit down beside him. he wonders if she'll get in trouble for this, given she's not of age, but barry lets it go. lets not worry over something that isn't necessarily life-threatening for the moment. he'll think up something weird as an excuse later if they're busted. ]

[ he looks to the crumbs on the bar and on a plate. he sweeps the lot off the bar, as if trying to clean up quickly after himself. (but he's already been spotted as a grub.) there's a water bottle he's scrunched up slightly with a tight fist lying on its side, along with those glasses that had been obvious in his video. ]

I'm not a clean eater. Sorry. [ but he stops trying to clean up after himself, knowing it may cause a literal spark if he doesn't. ]

[ resting his arm against the wood of the counter, he regards her, ] How bad's your wall?

[it's okay, barry. clementine knows the owner, and he's okay with her being in the bar. it's funny because she's come from a world where adults have openly offered her a cigarette or a drink before. laws aren't in place, society is crumbling.

she had a sip of moonshine once. it burned a lot.

they won't get in any trouble though it would be amusing to see him try to make excuses for it.]

You don't have to apologize. I don't care if you're a clean eater or not. [she sets the brownies over in front of him. she glances up at him with a little smile which doesn't quite reach her eyes.]

Pretty bad, but I'm not a beanpole. Couldn't reach all the way up.

But at least you can reach the low bits. I have a lot of trouble with that.

[ he doesn't, but barry's all long limbs and impatience. where he's a beanpole, she's a short one, and he thinks that they can work well as a pair if he behaves like he needs her to pick up where he falls. ]

If you want, I can help you fix it. [ he lifts his shoulder, not wanting to invite himself to solve a problem that isn't his to fix. it's something he's beginning to learn, although barry has a very hard time actually taking hold of joe's advice and letting people learn from their own mistakes or their self-designed trials. ] If it's something you want to fix.

[clementine smirks.] Together we'd be able to hit the whole wall.

[she looks up at him, genuine gratefulness in her expression for a brief moment.]

Thanks. I don't know if I do yet or not. Seems like since she's gone- [she swallows, doesn't like saying the words. how is it she lived with so much death and never really talked about any of it? how could she? it was always about moving forward. no time to linger on loss.] seems like something should change forever to show that, y'know?

I get it.

[ if anyone understands it, it's barry allen. his entire home had changed once he lost mom and dad. he knows that there's a good chance it'll change again when he finds his way out of wonderland and back into the speed force. ]

[ but he's not so sure if that's right. ]

[ his gaze grows distant before everything snaps back into focus. looking to her, ] But it doesn't have to be a negative change. You're just going to stare at that wall and you're going to remember how much it sucks, but it doesn't have to be a sucky feeling. [ his face scrunches up when he lifts his shoulder. he has no idea if he's making any sense; he has the habit of speaking too fast for even those who know what one mere look means to properly keep up. ] You know?

I think so.

[clementine has gotten used to loss, but she's not really gotten used to grief. it's part of the always-moving-forward part of it all. it's part of survival. she can't slow down to feel it, but here she's sort of forced to.]

Like it feels good because you knew them at all?

That what you mean? [she lifts up one of the brownies she brought for him, setting it in front of his face so he doesn't miss it. he seemed very concerned about it before, and she wants to help too even if she stumbles over how to.

she can listen, and it's something. sometimes it seems like what people really need. someone to listen.]

[ barry smiles at the presence of the brownie and reaches for it, keeping it where it is as he tries to pull it apart. it's not an even split, but it's good enough. ]

Yeah. My dad always told me that it's better to have known them than to never have not known them. [ stretching to the opposite side of clementine, he reaches for a bowl of peanuts. tipping those into the bowl closest to him, he grabs a napkin, wipes it out as best he can, and then sits a portion of the brownie into it. ]

[ he slides it on over to her. ]

When I was eleven my mom died. My dad was sent to prison, and so I kind of lost everything I was used to having around me. My dad was sort of in reach, I guess, but with my mom ... [ he picks at his brownie and concentrates on that to keep himself steady. ] There's things we shared and did together, and I remembered them. I kept doing them, because if I didn't then I felt kind of bad about it. Ignoring that she was ever a part of my life hurt worse, because that would mean I was erasing her. [ as he speaks his fingers gradually stop trying to pick the brownie apart until it's all crumbs. ]

[clementine holds the brownie in front of her, taking a small portion of her own off as she listens quietly. she takes a bite of it, chewing, swallowing.]

I think even if you don't do those things anymore, you keep her with you when you remember her, when you talk about her, when you write down the little things so you don't forget. I get why you'd want to anyway even if it wasn't the same and even if it hurt. I'm sorry you lost them.

[his father may have gone to prison, but- it's enough. contact through the phone, through letters, through visitations, it's not the same. she doesn't judge his father. lee was on his way to prison when the apocalypse broke out.]

I lost my parents too when I was nine. You don't ever think about it back then. Doesn't seem possible. [to lose them. parents seem infallible, untouchable. it's just not true.]

[ for the first time in two years, barry doesn't feel like eating to keep his energy up. he wants to eat for comfort. ]

I wish I could say it gets better. [ it doesn't; perhaps it does for someone else who isn't destined to become the flash, but barry has a feeling that it doesn't. it hadn't for him for the years he'd spent as bartholomew allen. ] But your family's also what you make it. Just because you lose your family by blood doesn't mean that you've lost the people you can rely on to be there. Iris and her dad taught me that.

[ he has a feeling joe would be whooping with joy (internally, he'd be wearing a touched expression that would make everything heighten around them because barry said something meaningful) if he so much as heard him say that. all those lessons he perhaps thought hadn't sunken into his thick, stubborn head had come to define who he is today. ]

My friends became that over the last two years. I'm pretty sure there's people here who are becoming that, too.

[clementine can understand that. family being what one makes of it. isn't that what lee was? isn't that what happens in groups? except the groups always fall apart. people die so fast, and there's no one immune to it. she's done it again with the group from the cabin, and she just watched so many of them go down one after the other after the other.

she worries there'll come a day when she's too tired to try anymore.

she nods her understanding, and she smiles this sad aching thing to think that- to think that iris is the one that taught barry that. it makes sense. she was- is warm, good.]

Iris was starting to become part of mine. [she shakes her head, rests a hand on his arm briefly, before she swallows a bit.] You keep their lessons even when they're not around.

[that's all they can do.]

Yeah, you do. [ it sounds a little sadder than it should. briefly he thinks he should be used to it by now with dad, not quite within arm's reach with his imprisonment in iron heights, but now it feels so incredibly final in a way it hadn't when he was eleven. he should take his own advice, but of course he doesn't. he can dish it but he can't take, it especially when it comes to grief. ]

[ barry quickly sweeps that thought of dad away and breaks off a large chunk of his brownie and eats it. ] This is a good brownie. [ one thing no one will ever teach barry allen: don't speak with your mouth full. ] You should eat yours before I eat it for you.

[clementine actually laughs a little at what he says. she's shouldered, shelved, put away the pain in her chest so she can move forward, shove forward, find a way to- to navigate what lies ahead. she picks up her own brownie at long last.]

No way. You can't have mine. You're like a food vacuum. [she takes a big bite out of hers, chewing, swallowing.

it's a really terrible night (the worst since she arrived by a long shot), but at least she's not in it alone.]

[ he laughs, ] I resent that!

[ but it's true. place food in front of barry and it disappears, either within a blink of an eye or gradually. needing to consume x amount of calories a day has made the explanations he sometimes needs to dole out to be hilariously ridiculous and pathetic. so far with clementine, it doesn't seem as though he needs to prepare some sort of rambling speech about how he's a foodie and he runs so much and, really, wonderland food is different to normal food from home even though it's exactly the same in calories. ]

[ he takes another bite, leaving only a small chunk of brownie left in between his fingers. ] S'good right? [ he swallows, then clarifies: ] Me as a vacuum. I'm a good vacuum, right? Not the brownie.

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