Dipper Pines (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
krmvgivv) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entranceway2016-12-05 11:03 pm
krmvgivv) wrote in entranceway2016-12-05 11:03 pm
video } yeah its pretty clear the maccabees were few (forward dated to a few days after the event)
[OH LOOK IT’S THOSE PINES TWINS AGAIN. Both of them looking Very Serious. Or at least like they mean business… Mabel pretty much looks like she’s trying to be serious and failing at it, really.
There’s a menorah between them.]
Hey, Wonderfriends. It’s me, Mabel, and my brother Dipper! And I bet you’re wondering what this thing is. [She points enthusiastically at the menorah.]
Considering how completely overwhelmingly escapable Christmas is, it's pretty likely. [Dipper rolls his eyes, then pulls a dreidel out of his vest pocket.] That's why we're here to show all you goyim you something holiday specials usually leave out: the meaning of Hanukkah!
[He sets the dreidel spinning.]
Look at it go! Does Christmas have this kind of magic? No, it doesn’t! Plus there’s eight days of Hanukkah… But we’ll get to that in a second. [She slaps a drawing pad on the desk.] Brother, if you would start us off, please.
[Dipper nods.] Thank you, Mabel. Our story begins a long, long time ago. Like, 200 BCE long ago. When Judea, which is now Israel, was under the control of the Syrians. Or possibly the Greeks? Syrians who worshipped Greek gods.
[Mabel holds up her drawing pad that shows a group of angry looking people with a note that says SYRIANS AND/OR GREEKS above them. She flips the page to show her drawings of various Greek gods which include Zeus with lightning, Aphrodite with little hearts around her, and Narcissus licking a mirror, with notations that include “ZEUS WHO LOVES LIGHTNING,” “APHRODITE WHO LOVES LOVE” AND “NARCISSISM WHO DEFINITELY LICKED MIRRORS”]
[Dipper glances over.] Narcissus isn't a god, Mabel.
Then how come he was a god in the movie, Dipper. [SO PUT OUT AT BEING CORRECTED.]
Cause the movie didn't do as much research as I did. [MOVING ON.] Anyway, things were okay for a while, then Antiochus IV became king and he decided he wanted the Jews to worship Greek gods too. Which is pretty solidly a no in Judaism. Worshipping idols is a big no.
And sacrifice pigs! Which is a bigger no, because pigs are friends. [She flips the page in her drawing pad to show her trio of gods standing around a frightened pig. FEEL FOR THE PIG, AUDIENCE.]
Also unkosher. [He glances over at Mabel.] But, uh, the friend part is definitely more important.
So the Jews said no, especially this guy Mattathias, who not only said no, but killed the guy who asked. He and his five sons had to run for the hills along with all the Jews who agreed with him, where they started staging a revolt. His third son, Judah Maccabee, led most of it. Maccabee isn't actually his last name, it's Hebrew for "the Hammer," because his attacks were so hard and fierce that they were like hammers. The whole group took their name from that: the Maccabees.
[As Dipper talks, Mabel flips through her drawings. Mattathias trying to hide a body, because Mabel is occasionally morbid. Mattathias and his sons running for the hills. A drawing of Judah Maccabee looking ripped as hell…. And also with hammers for hands.]
So then they had this big fight! With dinosaurs! [Mabel flips her pad again to show the Maccabees riding velociraptors into battle.] That’s why there’s dinosaur menorahs!
Mabel! There weren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs had been gone for millions of years already! [Said like this has been an ongoing argument that Dipper cannot believe they're still having. He glances at the pad, and… takes the hint. Time to hurry it up before his sister adds more details.]
Anyway, they were really awesome without dinosaurs, so they won and the Syrians ditched. Which would have been pretty miraculous as it was, but they got back to the temple and it was ransacked. Even worse, the eternal flame, which is supposed to, as the name indicates, always be lit, was out, and they only had enough oil to last them one day.
Buuut they lit it anyway! [Mabel flips her page to show them lighting the flame.] And they started to make more oil, but then the craaaaziest thing happened. The flame stayed lit for eight whole days, which, for those of you at home keeping score, is the amount of days it took to make more oil!
And that’s why Hanukkah is eight days! [She flips through the pages to show the light remaining lit, much like a flip book.]
We light a new candle every night, since we don't actually have magic menorahs. [A beat.] Also, technically it's a hanukkiah, not a menorah, since menorahs only have seven candles instead of nine. But most people just call them menorahs.
[Mabel leans over and whispers:] Nerd.
[Dipper rolls his eyes but can't refute.] Anyway, we use this middle candle that's higher than the other ones, the Shamash, to light the others, and we sing a bunch of prayers, play dreidel, and eat chocolate coins and latkes. And exchange presents!
Eight days worth of presents. [which means one nice one and then a week of dreck, but SHHHH. Don’t cut her fun, son.] And if anyone wants to know what latkes are, come down to the kitchen, ‘cause Dipper and I are gonna be making them… Or we’ll set fire to the kitchen trying.
[Dipper grins and nods, holding up a potato, then glances at the camera nervously.]
...the fire part's a joke. Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Ford, don't worry, we're not actually setting fire to the kitchen. And we know how to use fire extinguishers too, so… everything's gonna be fine!
[A beat.]
Happy Hanukkah guys! Whenever it falls this year!
[Anyone who heads down to the kitchen can follow the smell of frying potatoes to where the twins are experimenting with cooking. There are definitely at least a few burned panfuls, and come at the wrong time and something might be on fire. But there are enough successful attempts that there are delicious latkes and sour cream and apple sauce for as many people as want them.]
There’s a menorah between them.]
Hey, Wonderfriends. It’s me, Mabel, and my brother Dipper! And I bet you’re wondering what this thing is. [She points enthusiastically at the menorah.]
Considering how completely overwhelmingly escapable Christmas is, it's pretty likely. [Dipper rolls his eyes, then pulls a dreidel out of his vest pocket.] That's why we're here to show all you goyim you something holiday specials usually leave out: the meaning of Hanukkah!
[He sets the dreidel spinning.]
Look at it go! Does Christmas have this kind of magic? No, it doesn’t! Plus there’s eight days of Hanukkah… But we’ll get to that in a second. [She slaps a drawing pad on the desk.] Brother, if you would start us off, please.
[Dipper nods.] Thank you, Mabel. Our story begins a long, long time ago. Like, 200 BCE long ago. When Judea, which is now Israel, was under the control of the Syrians. Or possibly the Greeks? Syrians who worshipped Greek gods.
[Mabel holds up her drawing pad that shows a group of angry looking people with a note that says SYRIANS AND/OR GREEKS above them. She flips the page to show her drawings of various Greek gods which include Zeus with lightning, Aphrodite with little hearts around her, and Narcissus licking a mirror, with notations that include “ZEUS WHO LOVES LIGHTNING,” “APHRODITE WHO LOVES LOVE” AND “NARCISSISM WHO DEFINITELY LICKED MIRRORS”]
[Dipper glances over.] Narcissus isn't a god, Mabel.
Then how come he was a god in the movie, Dipper. [SO PUT OUT AT BEING CORRECTED.]
Cause the movie didn't do as much research as I did. [MOVING ON.] Anyway, things were okay for a while, then Antiochus IV became king and he decided he wanted the Jews to worship Greek gods too. Which is pretty solidly a no in Judaism. Worshipping idols is a big no.
And sacrifice pigs! Which is a bigger no, because pigs are friends. [She flips the page in her drawing pad to show her trio of gods standing around a frightened pig. FEEL FOR THE PIG, AUDIENCE.]
Also unkosher. [He glances over at Mabel.] But, uh, the friend part is definitely more important.
So the Jews said no, especially this guy Mattathias, who not only said no, but killed the guy who asked. He and his five sons had to run for the hills along with all the Jews who agreed with him, where they started staging a revolt. His third son, Judah Maccabee, led most of it. Maccabee isn't actually his last name, it's Hebrew for "the Hammer," because his attacks were so hard and fierce that they were like hammers. The whole group took their name from that: the Maccabees.
[As Dipper talks, Mabel flips through her drawings. Mattathias trying to hide a body, because Mabel is occasionally morbid. Mattathias and his sons running for the hills. A drawing of Judah Maccabee looking ripped as hell…. And also with hammers for hands.]
So then they had this big fight! With dinosaurs! [Mabel flips her pad again to show the Maccabees riding velociraptors into battle.] That’s why there’s dinosaur menorahs!
Mabel! There weren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs had been gone for millions of years already! [Said like this has been an ongoing argument that Dipper cannot believe they're still having. He glances at the pad, and… takes the hint. Time to hurry it up before his sister adds more details.]
Anyway, they were really awesome without dinosaurs, so they won and the Syrians ditched. Which would have been pretty miraculous as it was, but they got back to the temple and it was ransacked. Even worse, the eternal flame, which is supposed to, as the name indicates, always be lit, was out, and they only had enough oil to last them one day.
Buuut they lit it anyway! [Mabel flips her page to show them lighting the flame.] And they started to make more oil, but then the craaaaziest thing happened. The flame stayed lit for eight whole days, which, for those of you at home keeping score, is the amount of days it took to make more oil!
And that’s why Hanukkah is eight days! [She flips through the pages to show the light remaining lit, much like a flip book.]
We light a new candle every night, since we don't actually have magic menorahs. [A beat.] Also, technically it's a hanukkiah, not a menorah, since menorahs only have seven candles instead of nine. But most people just call them menorahs.
[Mabel leans over and whispers:] Nerd.
[Dipper rolls his eyes but can't refute.] Anyway, we use this middle candle that's higher than the other ones, the Shamash, to light the others, and we sing a bunch of prayers, play dreidel, and eat chocolate coins and latkes. And exchange presents!
Eight days worth of presents. [which means one nice one and then a week of dreck, but SHHHH. Don’t cut her fun, son.] And if anyone wants to know what latkes are, come down to the kitchen, ‘cause Dipper and I are gonna be making them… Or we’ll set fire to the kitchen trying.
[Dipper grins and nods, holding up a potato, then glances at the camera nervously.]
...the fire part's a joke. Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Ford, don't worry, we're not actually setting fire to the kitchen. And we know how to use fire extinguishers too, so… everything's gonna be fine!
[A beat.]
Happy Hanukkah guys! Whenever it falls this year!
[Anyone who heads down to the kitchen can follow the smell of frying potatoes to where the twins are experimenting with cooking. There are definitely at least a few burned panfuls, and come at the wrong time and something might be on fire. But there are enough successful attempts that there are delicious latkes and sour cream and apple sauce for as many people as want them.]
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