entranceway | Video/Action

[Stan has never been happier with an event. When he appears on the screen he's in full Mr. Mystery garb - fitted suit, fez, unnecessary eye patch, 8-ball cane. It's like he never left home! And he'd be a lot more upset about this event if it weren't for one huge, crucial detail - he woke up with money. Which means everyone woke up with money. ...Which means, naturally, that he's going to try and make all that money his.]

Well, well. [He leans forward on his cane with two hands and glances around conspiratorially, 150% showman swagger.] Would you look at that. Another event. Another weird building in the middle of even weirder woods. A good two hundred dollars burning a hole in your pockets.

[With a flick of his wrist like a magician, Stan produces his new event wallet and turns it sideways so he can open and close it like a puppet, and he makes it talk into his ear in falsetto.

"But Mr. Mystery! Everyone's stuck in the woods with nothing to do and nowhere to go! How will anyone ever spend me?"

That's a great question, Wallet! [With no regard whatsoever for his new wallet friend, he roughly jams it back in his pocket.] Luckily, I have the perfect place for people to spend their completely unearned cash!

[He tosses his cane up and catches it, using it to gesture widely to the gift shop around him.]

Welcome to...THE MYSTERY MANSION! Formerly known as the Mystery Shack and even more formerly known as the Murder Hut! [Stan places a hand over his heart, clearly pretending to be sincere.] My fellow Wonderland refugees, I'm sure you're just as tired of this magic nonsense as I am. So why go off into some spooky, potentially dangerous magical forest when you can satisfy your curiosity right here, without even steppin' out the door?

[Granted, Stan is well aware that the forest of Gravity Falls is not as dangerous as the last forest they all got stuck in, but these rubes don't know that! He'll happily bank on the fears and insecurities of suckers.]

Tours run once an hour, sun-up to sundown, from now until whenever this event ends - $20 a pop. Behold incredible sights never before beheld by your eyes! Wondrous attractions that will leaved you astounded! Bewildered! Befuddled! I can guarantee without a shred of doubt that you've never seen anything like the oddities of my Mystery Museum before, even takin' Wonderland events into account. Don't believe me? Take the tour and see for yourself!

[That's because they're mostly horrible taxidermy abominations that Stan's cobbled together himself.]

And that's not all! There's also a gift shop with all sorts of things you poor folks with your barely workin' closets desperately need! We've got T-shirts, cameras, key-chains, probably a grappling hook or two, bobbleheads, maps, postcards, snowglobes, hats -- we'd be here all day if I listed everything! Buy somethin' for everyone you know so when they get dragged to Wonderland they'll wish they'd gone to the greatest attraction Wonderland's ever forced you to be in!

So come on down to the Mystery Mansion Tours and Gift Shop! [He points his cane right at the camera and grins.] Because you and I both know you don't have anything better to do!

[He smacks the network device with his cane and it crashes to the floor, shutting off. Anyone's welcome to reply via video/text/audio/whatever, or they can skip right to the part where they're handing Stan their money and opt for an Action thread for tours and/or gift shop shenanigans!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Alex is the bitterest chestnut when he realizes that a) he has money, b) the person who's encouraging him to spend said money is, who else, Ghost of Christmas Commercialization guy, and c) he might actually have to buy that stupid capitalist shtick because he's in the woods, there are monsters, and he needs cameras. Like 15 disposable cameras.

He dumps them all on the counter, hoping the sheer amount of them will keep the Christmas Curmudgeon from recognizing him from any unsavory past encounters.]

How much're all these?

[That's a lot of cameras. They've been selling pretty fast with all the people who want to check out the monsters, but no one's gotten that many in one go so far. Unfortunately, that's enough to make Alex's plan backfire, because Stan sure looks up to see just who the hell needs fifteen disposable cameras.

Stan raises an eyebrow. Oh, it's this guy.]

Hm. Let's see. For you... [He looks at the cameras, pretends like he's totaling it all up, and then--] $200.

[Oh, great. This is just what he needs. Not like he didn't expect it coming, but it still stings.]

Bit strapped for cash here, buddy. Would you settle for $10?

[He's lying, of course, and saying it all in that droll tone that's meant to indicate as such. That is to say, he knows this game and he'd like to not play at all, thanks.]

Edited 2016-02-06 05:34 (UTC)

[Stan's pretty sure the guy's full of crap - if he woke up with $200 in his wallet then everyone else probably did too. It's useful knowing how much everyone has on them, especially when he's using that knowledge specifically to be a jerk.]

For all of 'em? You're outta your mind, kid! Even if it's not for all of 'em you're still outta your mind.

[This time he does the math for real though, frowning as he quickly adds it all up.]

$195. $13 each. [In other words the highest he can possibly go while keeping it an even price. Bleed 'em dry.] What can I say? Photography ain't a poor man's hobby.

Thirteen bucks per disposable camera? You can buy these in bulk at a dollar store.

[Too bad there aren't any other stores, and this guy probably knows it. Ugh.

Alex makes a show of thumbing through his wallet and coming up with...a rather obscene hand gesture. He regards it with mock surprise, golly gee, how did that get in there, and then drops the act entirely with a glare.]

Keep 'em if you're so set on overcharging. Use 'em to snap pictures of your fake gallery full of fake attractions in your fake tours.

What the hell kinda dollar stores you got in your world? I haven't seen one for less than $7 anywhere in almost a decade!

[Something about fewer and fewer people developing film these days, or something like that. Stan still uses them himself because real cameras are expensive and he doesn't have occasion to take pictures that often. He's probably taken more this summer than he has in the last decade.

He glares right back at Alex though. If he thinks he's gonna grovel and beg for the sale, he's got another thing comin'.]

Maybe I wouldn't overcharge if you weren't the kinda jerk who throws books at people and can't appreciate a good holiday ad!

Good holiday ad? That thing was going on for hours.

[Just as he thought. Completely goddamn arbitrary prices. Nice business practice. He'll leave a scathing online review. Just you watch.

Deep breath. Sigh. Okay. Let's try this again. Alex does his best to sound civil because he is a civil human being. Yes.]

How 'bout I buy one, and you don't charge my ass off, because you seem like a reasonable businessman who doesn't let personal grudges hold him back, 'mkay?

[Pfft. Like one bad review in some other world with stupidly cheap dollar stores would be enough to do his business in.

He squints though, considering this offer. Ultimately he does want to make a sale here, even if he's annoyed Alex won't empty his whole wallet for it.]

...$10 for one. Take it or leave it.

[It's halfway between what he wanted to charge Alex and what he blatantly admitted the lowest price he'd seen for them was, which is a perfectly reasonable business practice in his opinion. Besides, if Alex really wants it, he'll buy it.]

[Oh for want of a better storefront. Too bad this is literally the only building here. Great. Good. Fantastic.

Alex sighs again and drums his fingers on the counter for a minute, then shakes his head. Fuck it. Fine.]

Done.

[It bruises his delicate ~~feefees~~ pride, but like hell he's going out into the woods unarmed. Cameras are a necessity.]

[Stan's grinning before Alex even says the word. Over the years he's gotten good at pinpointing the exact moment a customer breaks and swallows their pride. Sure, he didn't get a full two hundred dollars from the guy, but pissing him off is almost as good.]

Ha! Sold!

[He uses one of his giant gorilla hands to sweep the fourteen other cameras into a bin behind the register before Alex gets any ideas. If he wants more cameras they'll be there - for sale, for an outrageous price. He then gladly takes the cash, making change if needed. Even his cash register is an ancient model - loud and obnoxious just like him.]

[It grates at him to do this, but he counts out ten and forks them over, snatching the single camera he haggled for off the countertop in case Stan changes his mind.

Alex makes a face as he turns to depart.]

A real pleasure. I'll tell my friends.

Yeah, yeah, you do that. I'm sure you've got a lotta friends to tell with that attitude.

[He already made the sale and there's no where else to get cameras so it's not like he has to be nice. ...Not that he was nice while making the sale.]

[Alex has lots of friends. Like a whole two friends. Super popular, obviously.

He has so many friends, in fact, that he's having trouble mustering an adequate comeback. So he just ups and leaves, taking his stupidly overpriced camera with him.]

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