+ some wonderlands are kind

[Rick is standing in the front door to the library, drinking from a hip flask, which he pockets as soon as he gets the recording to work.]

Alright, motherfuckers, g-get ready for a bullshit walking tour of the new and improved library. Gonna keep this brief because I barely give a fuck a-about any of this. You can direct all questions d-directly to my ass.

[He burps loudly, then turns his phone around and opens the door. The library within looks...for the most part unchanged. It's still the old style and the old set-up of chairs and tables and stuff. You can practically smell that good book stink through the video. The most immediately noticeable difference is that it's now populated with a bunch of smallish robots. Most of them are glorified roombas, scooting along the carpet looking all adorable and all. The others are a bit larger and look like mobile trashcans with arms, and appear to be restocking shelves. They're surprisingly quiet for robots--no beeping or whirring.]

Okay, as you can see, d-didn't have to change much. Basically just kept everything as it was and added on to it. The robots do cleaning and reshelving a-and other bullshit menial tasks, and they're d-designed to be quiet and unobtrusive. Until some fucker comes in who isn't quiet and unobtrusive, then they're authorized to drive said fucker out. They h-have tasers.

[He doesn't sound like he's joking.]

[Rick then turns down a hallway and walks a bit, robots scooting out of the way as he goes. He opens a door to what appears to be an insanely advanced computer lab, though there are still some microfilm and newspaper viewer things in one of the corners.]

Computer room, whatever. S-Server room is in the back. Don't bother the server robots. They bite. A-Anyway, if you can get any computer games from the closets or whatever, these machines w-w-will run anything. They already have Solitaire, Freecell and Minesweeper installed.

[Rick then turns and walks back toward the middle of the library, where there's a big ol' desk. It has a placard on it that says "Security Desk."]

So, what's running all the systems in the library is a hyper-advanced AI. Sh-She'll be in charge of security. She can deal with any p-piece of shit who tries to damage the library or damage other people in the library. Assuming she sticks around during events, sh-she can also lock the place down and turn it into a safe zone. But except during emergencies, the library is a no fire and no weapons zone. Light a fire, even a f-f-fucking match, or brandish a weapon, and she'll put a stop to it. Sh-She's authorized for murder. There are military-grade defenses embedded in the wall and c-ceiling and she won't hesitate to use them if she or the library feels threatened.

To demonstrate...

[Rick shifts the camera around to face him and the desk, then digs into a pocket for a book of matches. He strikes one with his free hand. An instant later, a somewhat ghostly blue hologram of a vaguely female human appears behind the desk. When she speaks, it's with a suspiciously familiar voice.]

"Sir, I must request that you immediately extinguish your open flame, or you will be forced to do so."

[Rick licks two fingers and pinches out the match. The hologram lady smiles.]

"Thank you for your prompt cooperation. Please enjoy the library. Friendly reminder: I am watching you."

[The hologram disappears and Rick clears his throat.]

Her name is E-L. Don't fuck with her. D-Don't try to hack her, either. She's authorized to brick whatever machine you use to try, and/or murder you.

Lastly, the new official librarian is around here s-somewhere. He's that pony guy, Sunset Whatever, S-Sun something. Sundial. I don't fucking know. Y-You can ask him for further details.

That's it. Library officially updated. Rick out.

[Rick appears to be...in the library, of all places. Just chilling at one of the desks, and when he switches on the feed, he holds up a folded piece of paper.]

So she left me a letter. She probably left a lot of people letters, whatever.

[He figures there's no point in specifying who he's talking about. It should be obvious.]

I don't believe in sentiment, or shit like honoring the wishes of the dead--a-and let's face it, in this place, going home might as well be the same thing as dying. Because real fucking death sure doesn't mean jack shit around here. I don't care about W-Wonderland, and I barely even know most of you, a-and I don't plan on ever knowing most of you.

And libraries?

[He gestures to encompass the whole room.]

I don't care about them. They're archaic, l-like she was. One of those things that k-keep existing for some fucking reason, no matter how advanced a society gets.

[Like how she kept existing here. "Nevertheless, she persisted" etc etc. But nothing in the entire multiverse lasts for ever.]

But.

[But.]

She cared about this place. She was smart and practical. A-And with information distribution and c-consolidation being as fucked up as it is in Wonderland, some archaic bullshit like this is actually important. And, fuck, it's one of those...stability things. Civilization things. It's a basic fucking law of the u-universe that you can't have chaos without order.

And fuck me but does this place get fucking boring. I n-need a fucking hobby.

She wanted me to protect the library, so I will. Someone who actually gives a shit should t-take over as the next librarian, but in the meantime I'm gonna make some basic fucking upgrades. Digitize everything, a-add some computers, build robots to re-shelve books or whatever, since I'm sure as fuck not learning the Dewey fucking decimal system myself. Install some self-defense mechanisms so no one can fucking Alexandria this shit. And anyone who fucks with the library, she's given me f-free pass to murder you.

Any complaints can be directed straight to my ass.

[War is stupid. Everything about this is stupid. The stupidest thing about all of this is that now he has to go ahead and try to finish the portal to the Mirrorside he's been building, despite telling George that he's not gonna do it. He has absolutely zero interest in the whole portal thing, but now, like, ugh, he has to do it or whatever because this stupid fucking war is happening and they're probably gonna need to do murders and assassinations and toppling heads of state or WHATEVER. Fuck this.]

[He's got a more fun idea.]

So I make weapons. There's a war about to happen. Tell me what k-kind of weapon you want and I'll make it. If you don't know how to use a weapon, I can probably make you something even a dumb shit like you can use. If you're a three-year-old child and need something that you won't accidentally kill yourself with, I can make you something. I'll put stickers on it. Whatever. I'm fucking bored. Give me sh-shit to do.

Hit me up b-IIUUGRRRR-tches.