+ some wonderlands are kind

Man, okay, when I made a zombie contingency plan back in Beacon Hills? I was really not expecting it to actually happen! [ Hello wonderland! Long time no see. Well, not really, but someone's been keeping to himself lately. Stiles appears on the video feed in what looks like one of the prison cells, armed with--is that a baseball bat? That is definitely a baseball bat. He’s not alone, either, and he pans the camera out a little to show Allison Argent sitting with him, a little closer to the door. ]

I'm gonna try to lay it down here as quick as I can, alright? Zombie apocalypse, three rules. [ Three fingers go up. ] I’m not saying I’m an expert or anything but, dude, if you want someone who’s like a walking bestiary? Not me. Walking zombie movie nerd? I so got you.

Stiles, I don’t think-

[ There's a hand wave off screen--he's so got this! ] Right, so, like I was saying, three rules. One, double tap. Like, make sure something's really dead before you go around touching it. In fact, they're freakin' infection riddled corpses, so, better yet, don't touch them at all. And if you have to use something to scatter their brains everywhere, go for a knife or a club or, as I've been reliably informed in past situations, a metal bat. Not a wooden one. Those shatter.

Or, you know, if you don’t have the choice-

[ Not that he would know that or anything. TRUCKING ON. ] But like, guns and shit take more time to reload, and then if you run out of ammo you're boned. Unless you’re Allison, because she could probably shoot out a zombie’s eye from a moving truck, Kate Bishop style. [ And throwing a grin at her, yep.

to which she is kind of just rolling her eyes. not that the video feed can see, of course, but she is. ]

Two, uh, don't stop moving if you get the chance--I mean, anything's safe, yeah, but it's not safe forever. It's ten times easier for the Night of the Living Dead to go all gungho in your body parts if you're making a camp where you sit around and sing kumbaya every now and then.

And three, you remember all those like really horrible ironic shirts about duct tape? It literally does fix anything, just--call me a knight in shining armor. [ He flashes a little bit of a grin to the screen and offers his arms, covered in silver tape up to just before his elbows. ] It's hard to get through duct tape with a knife, and it's not gonna be a perfect fix, but it might buy you some time. And I mean, it's kind of awkward and sticky at first? But you get used to it.

[ There's a two second pause, and he makes a face. ] I definitely didn't think I was going to actually have to go to the frickin' duct tape armor. When this event is over and I rip off all my arm hair it better be worth it.

[ There are a lot more rules than that, actually--things like, if your friend gets bitten you have to be ready to kill them--but Stiles doesn't think he can say that out loud, let alone instruct other people to do it, so he just tries for a lopsided grin and a voice that sounds like his dad's. ] Stick together, and hey, man, when this is over, we can all brag we survived the zombie apocalypse. Jussay--hey!

[ and it’s right then that the video feed gets ripped from stiles’ hands. there’s a lot of movement, and some muffled arguing, and when the feed does finally come to it looks like allison is arguing with someone (stiles) off-screen ]

No, Stiles, seriously- [ right, camera feed, allison gives an awkward smile to the video, a quick glance to stiles offscreen, and then she’s back. ] Not to, you know, discredit what Stiles said or anything-

[ but she is. kinda. just a little. ]

Because it was totally fine! [ He pipes up from the background, but more put out than angry. ]

Find something that doesn’t need ammo- like he was talking about the baseball bat. Honestly, a pipe or a stick that’s thick enough that it won’t break. Doesn’t have to be a bat. [ have another look, stiles. (To which she immediately receives one in return, because he and this bat have been through some trusty times that almost worked together, thank you very much!) ] Don’t let them bite you, and don’t ingest any kind of liquid from them. Cover as much of yourself as you can. I’m not sure exactly how these zombies- [ stiles your snicker isn’t appreciated thank you ] work, but whatever happens don’t let them bite you. Long sleeves, duct tape, whatever. Also- [ what allison holds up is a long-bow, and she carries it like she knows what she’s doing. she gives a look to the camera like yes okay I carry a bow around with me what are you going to do about it before she sets it done. ] Anything long-range will help, a lot. Stay as far away from them as you can but don’t be afraid to take them out. Go for the head, or the neck, and keep going.

If you need help, call out. The jail’s not that big and some of us- [ some, being a key word here ] -will be making rounds, just trying to take out as many of these things as we can. If you need help, just ping me or- [ okay so she’s not as happy about saying this but she goes with it anyway ] Stiles. Either way, we should be able to come help.

[ Stiles nods at her, then at the feed, waving two fingers at it, tone a little sarcastic. ] So basically, guys, just try not to act like your typical white-male-jock-horror-movie-protag, and you'll be ace. Keep your heads up. [ And with that, he cuts the feed. ]

( private texts )