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[Stan has never been happier with an event. When he appears on the screen he's in full Mr. Mystery garb - fitted suit, fez, unnecessary eye patch, 8-ball cane. It's like he never left home! And he'd be a lot more upset about this event if it weren't for one huge, crucial detail - he woke up with money. Which means everyone woke up with money. ...Which means, naturally, that he's going to try and make all that money his.]

Well, well. [He leans forward on his cane with two hands and glances around conspiratorially, 150% showman swagger.] Would you look at that. Another event. Another weird building in the middle of even weirder woods. A good two hundred dollars burning a hole in your pockets.

[With a flick of his wrist like a magician, Stan produces his new event wallet and turns it sideways so he can open and close it like a puppet, and he makes it talk into his ear in falsetto.

"But Mr. Mystery! Everyone's stuck in the woods with nothing to do and nowhere to go! How will anyone ever spend me?"

That's a great question, Wallet! [With no regard whatsoever for his new wallet friend, he roughly jams it back in his pocket.] Luckily, I have the perfect place for people to spend their completely unearned cash!

[He tosses his cane up and catches it, using it to gesture widely to the gift shop around him.]

Welcome to...THE MYSTERY MANSION! Formerly known as the Mystery Shack and even more formerly known as the Murder Hut! [Stan places a hand over his heart, clearly pretending to be sincere.] My fellow Wonderland refugees, I'm sure you're just as tired of this magic nonsense as I am. So why go off into some spooky, potentially dangerous magical forest when you can satisfy your curiosity right here, without even steppin' out the door?

[Granted, Stan is well aware that the forest of Gravity Falls is not as dangerous as the last forest they all got stuck in, but these rubes don't know that! He'll happily bank on the fears and insecurities of suckers.]

Tours run once an hour, sun-up to sundown, from now until whenever this event ends - $20 a pop. Behold incredible sights never before beheld by your eyes! Wondrous attractions that will leaved you astounded! Bewildered! Befuddled! I can guarantee without a shred of doubt that you've never seen anything like the oddities of my Mystery Museum before, even takin' Wonderland events into account. Don't believe me? Take the tour and see for yourself!

[That's because they're mostly horrible taxidermy abominations that Stan's cobbled together himself.]

And that's not all! There's also a gift shop with all sorts of things you poor folks with your barely workin' closets desperately need! We've got T-shirts, cameras, key-chains, probably a grappling hook or two, bobbleheads, maps, postcards, snowglobes, hats -- we'd be here all day if I listed everything! Buy somethin' for everyone you know so when they get dragged to Wonderland they'll wish they'd gone to the greatest attraction Wonderland's ever forced you to be in!

So come on down to the Mystery Mansion Tours and Gift Shop! [He points his cane right at the camera and grins.] Because you and I both know you don't have anything better to do!

[He smacks the network device with his cane and it crashes to the floor, shutting off. Anyone's welcome to reply via video/text/audio/whatever, or they can skip right to the part where they're handing Stan their money and opt for an Action thread for tours and/or gift shop shenanigans!]

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_{[Stan's advertisement falls short of reaching a fraction of the consumer base. Anders only has a rudimentary understanding of how to turn the communication devices on and flip through the menu, and most days he doesn't even do that much. With his device lying forgotten in his room, he misses out Stan's video; finding the Mystery Museum happens entirely by chance and with a little (okay, a lot) of help from the giant signs hung where they can't be missed.

In general, when something's going on, an educated guess says the person wearing the flashiest head gear knows something about it. Anders directs a question at Stan, a moth drawn in by his conspicuous flame.]}

What's all this?

_{[Anders would deny it, but swapping his Warden uniform for more comfortable clothes puts him on the same conspicuous spectrum as Stan. In his knee-length robes and feathered mantle, by Earth standards he's an attraction in his own right.]}

[You can always trust a man in a flashy fez, especially when he has an equally flashy cane to go with it! Stan whips around and grins at the newcomer, using his can to gesture at everything around them.]

This is the finest attraction you'll see all day! Welcome to the Mystery Mansion! Inside are wonders beyond your wildest imagination, weird and bizarre specimens that will leave you shocked and disturbed, and begging for more!

[Woah, get a load of this weirdo though! Robes? Feathers? What, is he some kinda bird? (Stan truthfully doesn't care though, as long as he's a bird that's going to shell out some cash in his store)]

_{[Anders can appreciate a good dose of showmanship, and his eyes track all of this with some curiosity. This guy could be a mage with that staff-handling. He'd make a fine hedge mage, that's for sure, and if he's half as quick on his feet as he is with his tongue, he'd probably make a fine uncaptured hedge mage.]}

Don't you mean the regular mansion, just dressed up with some illusion work?

_{[Amused, he crinkles his nose a tad at the hokey name. Mystery Mansion? Is that really what they're calling it?]}

Let me guess, we're talking about an exhibit of mysteries...?

[Yes. That's really what they're calling it. Stan raises an eyebrow at the illusion comment and leans on his cane.]

'Course we are! Does this look like the regular mansion?

[Before he has the chance to point out that no, that's why he brought up illusion work, Stan waves a hand.]

No! It's better! Weirder and more mysterious! And a huge improvement on that tacky dump we were stuck in before.

_{[When a well-appointed mansion that could give an Orlesian chateau a run for its money suddenly morphs into a ten-story cabin in the woods, the first thing Anders thinks isn't "wow, this is way better than that hovel we had before!"

Anders really ought to give the man a tip just for keeping a straight face.]}

Someone's a fan of the "back to nature" look.

_{[Okay, Stan, he'll bite.]}

Being new to the party, I've been learning what I can about these "events" and how Wonderland makes them possible. Am I right in guessing this must be a place you know personally? So you must be the one to ask about what this museum is all about.

"Back to nature"'s pretty much the only look in the middle of the woods, pal.

[Plus, it's not like he built the place. He just filled it with taxidermy abominations. Normally he's not so helpful toward newbies, but in this case it might get him a sale so sure -- he'll play twenty questions if he has to.]

You bet it is! Back home t-- uh. Visitors come from all over to spend the entire contents of their wallets at this place! The Mystery Shack! I'm got a Museum with every strange and odd creature you could possibly think of on display! People gimme cash to go on a tour of the place, and then they give me more cash for souvenirs in the gift shop!

[Stan's pretty sure he's going to make a killing this weekend, no matter what. So many suckers walking around with wallets full of money!]

I'd agree with you if this weren't some large-scale dress-up game this world is putting on.

_{[But that's getting philosophical and he's spent too much time as it is pondering over that stuff in bed at night. Shaking his head, he shrugs it off. This... Mystery Shack or Mansion or whatever it is... is enough occupy him, whether real or a magical construct.]}

You mean this kind of wallet? _{[From within the folds of his robes, Anders pulls out the wallet Wonderland had seen fit to provide him with.]} Is that why I have this? And it was full of paper money the last I looked.

_{[After a sales pitch like that, Anders might be teasing the old guy, just a little. Foreign currency has no value to him, but from the sounds of it, it holds more meaning to the other man. And he likes to get his hands on it like any merchant worth his salt.]}

As a paying customer, does this qualify me for the tour?

[He doesn't even try to hide the way his face lights up when Anders pulls out his wallet.]

That's exactly the kinda wallet I mean!

[Sure, the guy's pretty weird (he's wearing robes) but as long as he's got cash on him, Stan is willing to pretend he doesn't notice and give him a tour like anybody else.]

You bet it does! Fifty bucks'll do it.

[That is definitely not what he said in the video, but what does this guy know? Apparently he doesn't even know what money is! This will all work out just fine.]

_{[It's true that Anders has no context for the video message or for Earth currency, but he's been around the block before, and he'd be willing to bet the entire contents of the wallet and then some that he's being overcharged. Some things never change.]}

Hm...

_{[With a noise of uncertainty, he skims his thumb against the edges of the crisp bills. Haggling 101: never agree to the first offer even when you're just kidding around with an old guy.]}

I'm already something of an expert in the mystical and the strange--that means you're free to gloss over those parts. Since your job just became easier, how about a discounted price? Like, say... fifteen? With the possibility of a good tip at the end.

[Stan huffs, the showmanship falling away at that appalling offer.]

Fifteen? What do you think this is, a charity?

[It is definitely not a charity (though Stan's probably tried to have it declared one once or twice for tax fraud reasons). And while he certainly wouldn't say no to a tip, he's not going to cut the price super low simply because he expects one.]

I can cut it to thirty, but that's the lowest I'm goin'.

[Mostly because he's still determined to overcharge if he can get away with.]

Not sure charity is the right image you're looking for. Plenty of them will rob a person blind faster than highwaymen.

_{[What? It's true! At least in Thedas, it's true. Anders shrugs lightly as if to defend this small display of cynicism from accusations of exaggeration.]}

And I said a good tip, didn't I! I have a generous spirit. How's this--half now, half at the end when all goes well.

_{[In other words, if Stan is as good as his word.]}

No way. Last time I let someone try and pay any of it at the end he just dropped a baby goat in my arms and bolted. Never again. All of it up front or no tour at all; take your pick, pal.

[This is a true story, and the goat hasn't left his property since. What the hell's he supposed to do with a goat? This ain't a farm!]

Edited 2016-03-16 04:50 (UTC)

Oh, come on, do I look like I have a baby goat to barter with? _{[He spreads his hands. Just one innocent mage, nothing to see here.]} A goat wouldn't even look that out of place--if someone hasn't told you by now, you have a bit of an infestation problem in these parts. I've seen some unusual wildlife, for lack of a better term.

_{[Anders sighs with the melodramatic air of someone being thoroughly raked over the coals. Stan drives an impossibly hard bargain. Think of the imaginary taxes he has to pay and the imaginary family he has to feed! What is he going to do without this play money that has no actual value!?

His sixteen children are going to starve and it's all because of one stingy man with an 8-ball cane.]}

You're a tough negotiator, my good ser. I can see you're set on that and it's no good trying to talk you out of it. _{[Counting thirty, he pulls the bills from the wallet and holds them out for Stan.]} Thirty it is.

_{[Well, that had been fun while it'd lasted. Now onward to the main event!]}

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