entranceway | Text, event day 2, also a little action

[Lapis is also glad that it didn't do anything to her, in fact, however sweet it might be to think that she could handle it if it meant her loved ones never had to deal with what she's been through. No. As bad as this was for Peridot, it would have been a whole nother level of catastrophe for Lapis. Everyone knows it, nobody would disagree, and therefore it's simply objective fact that Peridot was a worthwhile sacrifice. Ugh. Still, the fact that Peridot has the capacity to be self-sacrificing about this is another distinction between them, and that's good. Easing off the projection is probably for the best.]

You know I would never leave you like that, no matter what it took. I couldn't leave anyone like that. It's like... this time I can finally do something about it.

[She says wistfully. There's a bit of the same kind of problem in that. To a degree, Lapis is helping people because it feels sort of like helping herself. But even she can believe that that's not all it is; she's not that terrible a person. Honestly, Peridot's moral approval means a lot.]

I guess it could be seen as a valuable opportunity for you to take control of your own bad circumstances... Granted, one at the expense of others, but one of the things I've learned about Earth and, to an extent, Wonderland is that for you to learn something, you or another person has to be somewhat inconvenienced first.

[Or so Peridot believes. It feels right, and seems to add up with her own experiences. And she feels like offering wisdom gives her control over her own situation, like if she considers it something stupid and inconsequential that made Lapis feel better, then some good came out of it.

It doesn't stop her from looking over at the broken TV again, but that too will pass.]

[Lapis has a sour frown. Alas, while she may be more self-centered and less selfless than she perhaps would prefer, she doesn't like that that's how things go.]

It shouldn't have had to happen to you. Or anyone else. ...Or me.

[But talking about herself can't go far right now; she can't afford it. With the distinctions reinforced a little, Lapis is fairly reassured, but in some ways maybe she'd rather worry about Peridot. She sighs and turns more into the clinging tangl, fishing up a hand to hold.]

You're probably going to be all right. But... it's okay to feel bad right now. [For both of them, really, but that's not the point today.]

I do feel pretty bad. [She could lie about that, but what good would it do for anyone?] But if there's any danger of me going back into the TV before the event's over, then we'll just prevent it, and that makes me feel better.

[So does clinging. Gems don't have oxytocin, but somehow the healing nature of hugs has become a strange and fascinating palm to raw feelings.] Wonderland won't be able to do it twice. Heh.

Even if it did, I would just get you out again. I would spend all week doing nothing else if I had to.

[Lapis says that more vehemently; she has strong feelings on the matter. Because that's another key point of difference between this event and her own actual experiences. Nobody is getting abandoned. Wonderland can ultimately render Peridot helpless if it really wants to, but she still has someone on her side.]

[Peridot pulls back just a little, but it's only so Lapis can see the full effect of her wibbling eyes. She whimpers as she tries to hold back the sudden onslaught of tears and when that fails, she has to let go of her so she can rub them away so they don't obscure her vision through her visor.]

Yeah. That's right. That was the whole point, wasn't it? Neither of us have to face anything alone.

[Oh.

That's a strong reaction, and not one Lapis would ever have, but even if she weren't stuck in projection mode, she understands the reasons behind it too personally. Right now it therefore feels a little strange to see, strange and something else. But it's a good thing, she thinks, so that doesn't need to be examined. It can go further.]

Never. For as long as we're here, as long as there's anything I can do... You don't have to worry about that.

[Technically, it's not REALLY something she can fully promise, since Wonderland is a bitch. For one, Lapis has been scared of this event all along and she has already dwelled on far worse possibilities; if Wonderland so chose, it could easily prevent anyone from helping each other. Even her pessimism, though, is outweighed by the fact that she just wants Peridot to feel better, and that she really does mean it, as truly and purely as she can, here and now in this moment. For whatever it is worth.]

[For someone so mired in reason and logic, Peridot is an emotional creature- just not one governed by them. Her temper issues stem from being presented with a lack of order and logic. Her neediness stems from longstanding conditioning requiring her to vie for the attention of her superiors because technicians are meant to be competitive to keep up with the necessary adjustments to how Homeworld approaches Kindergarten construction. These things translate well outside of Homeworld to a need for validation and a near-constant aggravation when presented with problems without real solutions.

And, to be perfectly honest, maybe she won't ever get used to unconditional love, even if she's the walking embodiment of it. She dismissed Yellow Diamond due to her finding the one thing that could destroy her respect, but she's dismissed no one else since. A Diamond shouldn't be flawed, because they act like they aren't, but her family is and that's fine. They've never tried to deny it.

And all of these thoughts are just to keep her from thinking other thoughts, more than likely. Lapis is an outlier. Lapis makes her metaphorical heart do flips and inspires deeper emotions than she can name. Those words just hit a chord with her, like one of the ones on Steven's ukulele. She could almost hum that specific note if she tried.

And she comes close, reaches mentally to brush against those clustered feelings to pull them apart and define them as she has everything else, but she pulls back at the last moment and just sighs in contentment.]

Thank you. I feel better now. [And this time she's not just saying it. She does feel better. She's not a tool of Homeworld or a tool of Wonderland and she's allowed to have feelings and she's allowed to choose not to define them if she's not ready to. One day, maybe, but for now the notes remain unsung.]

[For a moment, Lapis almost smiles, which is pretty good given the circumstances. She has generally been committed to keeping Peridot safe already, but whatever her ability is to make Peridot feel safe, that may be almost as important. These are, again, things she understands well. But projection or no, Peridot isn't Lapis, and that's what Lapis likes about her. Values, even.]

You're pretty tough.

[Regardless, it's been a long weekend and those circumstances remain. It still feels strange to watch this progression and she still doesn't want to examine why. Everything about this whole ordeal has been strange and precariously overwhelming, and she's keeping it together precisely by not thinking about herself too hard, but that has its own weirdnesses. Lapis is not fully sure what she wants to do.]

It's... hard, when the only thing you can do is trust someone else.

[Certainly it's very, very hard for her.]

The toughest. [A true paragon of Peridot construction. You should see her exit hole. Not a single scrap of wasted peridotite.

But also tough in the metaphorical sense. That too.

There are a lot of things Peridot has discussed with Lapis in vague terms and maybe even more specific terms she doesn't know about- Lapis has months on her, after all- but now feels like a time to be vulnerable. Tough or not, she's reminded of a time when she was scared within an inch of her life.]

It's really scary. When I was stuck on Earth before I denounced Homeworld, I didn't have anything. It was either trust in the Crystal Gems and hope they didn't harvest or shatter me or stay on the Earth until it was destroyed. From my perspective, it was torturous.... Until I learned better. And then the trust started to come easier, but it's still difficult. Everyone involved has to be patient.

[She makes an annoyed hgh sound.] And I'm not always patient.

[Lapis processes this quietly. It's still surprising sometimes to think how much they're defined by their experiences, but the experiences feed so much of the differences between them. The similarity is that, as it turns out, both of them can in fact learn.]

Me... I guess I spent a long time learning that nobody was going to help me.

[With everything pulled so close to the surface right now she can't afford to be too vulnerable herself, but she can see the shape of things, to lay out plainly without emotion. That's about as far as things can go, but it doesn't hurt to do. Because saying it like that, it's no wonder she struggles; of course it's going to be a painfully uphill battle. This is merely another facet of the damage Lapis is required to deal with. It's hard to always maintain faith that she can possibly counteract all that, but then she wouldn't have the problem in the first place if she couldn't learn and change.]

But I'm glad that's not true anymore.

[Peridot thuds her head against Lapis's shoulder, smooshing the point of her wiry hair down so it flattens against the side of her face comically. She doesn't seem to notice or care.

At some point, she became very comfortable with initiating tiny physical manifestations of affection, but mostly with Lapis. She'll analyze that later.]

Nope! Not as long as I'm around.

Text, event day 2, also a little action

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject