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[placed_first]

[Exhibit A: One (1) small child under the age of ten (10) just staring right into the communicator. It's just like an iPad (iPad), afterall, so he knows how this works.]

Hey you guys...?

The bell just rang and I'm lost.

And this isn't funny Craig.

And I'm lost!

[There's maybe a two second grace period before the waterworks begin.]

....Whaaaah!

Comments

video;

[forevercapslock]

Human wriggler, it is time to stop that noise.

video;

[placed_first]

[cryiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingohwait. That's right, he has a magical cool iPad in front of him.]

...

Am I in Disney Land?

video;

[forevercapslock]

What the fuck is Disney Land?

video;

[placed_first]

The um, magical land of wonder, joy, and really awesome free food?

Are you supposed to be from the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

video;

[forevercapslock]

...

I'm an alien, fuckass. A troll, specifically.

video;

[placed_first]

[...HUH. Clyde has to process this information for a second.]

How can you be both. You don't even look like a troll.

video;

[forevercapslock]

That's what my species is called. I'm not some under-bridge-dwelling fantasy creature.

video;

[placed_first]

What? I was thinking more of Warcraft, actually...

Oh God, did you abduct me right from the school yard?!

video;

[forevercapslock]

Why the fuck would I abduct you? What could I possibly have to gain from a human wriggler?

video;

[placed_first]

Because I'm American and I know how these things work in movies.

video;

[forevercapslock]

This isn't a movie.

video;

[placed_first]

Oh. But it could still be an abduction.

video;

[forevercapslock]

It is, but not by me. Or any other aliens.

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[placed_first]

I'm in space?! Oh man...Oh man I'm gonna be in a ton of trouble for this.

Hey how do you explain something like that?

video;

[forevercapslock]

It's easy: you're not in fucking space.

video;

[placed_first]

Okay I'm not in school, not in Disney Land, and not in space. This isn't making sense and I wanna know what's going on damnit!

[Cue the visually represented huffing.]

video;

[forevercapslock]

It's pretty fucking straightforward! You're not in any of those places. Therefore: you're somewhere else!

Now we're cooking with fucking petrol, right?

So if you're in some not-school, not-Disney-whatever-the-fuck, not-space, it stands to reason that you are in a place that is on solid ground, that doesn't involve ridiculous human mandatory education, and that doesn't involve a whole lot of fun.

Although it does involve some off the wall fantasy. So I guess it's a little like whatever-land.

video;

[placed_first]

Oh, okay.

Whatever-land.

What's petrol?

video;

[forevercapslock]

Gasoline.

And more accurately, it's Wonderland.

video;

[placed_first]

[Little do you know, it's now permanently Whatever-land to him. Hah.]

So why am I here?

Even if YOU didn't abduct me, I must be here to do something cool, right?

video;

[forevercapslock]

Not really.

Most of the time there's nothing happening.

video;

[placed_first]

But you said there's no school? That sounds pretty sweet.

video;

[forevercapslock]

I've never been to school, so I wouldn't know.

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[placed_first]

School is like...you have to be there. And they ask you a lot of questions and they're all hard and then there's tests! And if you fail you might have to become friends with the third graders cuz you'll be stuck there!

Pretty much lunch time is the only good part about school.

video;

[forevercapslock]

Do you learn how to fight?

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[placed_first]

Huh? Oh, yeah, that's an important thing to learn. Yeah we fight on the playground sometimes and if you like, lose and stuff, I think you have to kill yourself.

Or we call you a girl.

video;

[forevercapslock]

...How are those things even close to comparable?

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[placed_first]

You mean they aren't?

And I don't make the rules either. I mean, I try to stay out of it. ...I don't think that one time counts.

video;

[forevercapslock]

No. It's like you're saying females are weaker than males.

video;

[placed_first]

Well. Cuz they are.

And they have cooties, man! Cooties!

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[forevercapslock]

....What.

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[placed_first]

You don't know? They'll infect you with their...stuff.

And this one time, the girls made a future telling device that they were going to use in the name of evil so we had to destroy it. How can you not be worried about things like that?

video;

[forevercapslock]

...Are all human wrigglers stupid? Or did you hurt your head?

video

[bureaucracy_is_for_chumps]

[Cue Peacock covering her ears and sneering through her sharp as fuck teeth.] Hey!! Can it before I give you somethin' to cry about!

video 1/2 because i want to you to hear smoker twice

[placed_first]

[...]

video 2/2

[placed_first]

...I knew that kid was lying to me when he said this wasn't Disney Land.

video; except my phone is on silent because of work so all was for nothing.

[bureaucracy_is_for_chumps]

Kid, if this were Disney World I'd be a lot happier. This place ain't no Disney Land, either.

You blind or somethin'? There ain't any rides around here!

video; curses! foiled again

[placed_first]

Yeah but. You. And the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

That bow.

[Why does nothing make sense?!]

video

[bureaucracy_is_for_chumps]

... [She supposes she can let that slide.]

Yeah, my bow was kinda inspired by old cartoons so I can see how you got confused. [Not literally of course, but details.]

You still don't gotta be cryin' just because you got lost though. People are gonna think you're a weakling or a nerd. [A pause. Her brows narrow.] You ain't a nerd, are ya?

video

[placed_first]

Huh? No way, I'm way awesome and stuff.

Like how couldn't I be? [Priorities.]

video

[bureaucracy_is_for_chumps]

Because you showed up and the first thing you did was start cryin'. That's a sure sign you're a chump.

[Fact.]