+ The Moral of the First Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ A transmission, you see, must be like a song: Voice and instruments alike, playing its tune. Her instruments are the pans and pots, the clinking and clacking, the bubbling and boiling, the rustling of pages from the book of recipes in her hand. Truth be told, this particular song may be a little out of tune. ]

Mustard, custard, cream of eel. Salt and pepper, same old-- herrings?

[ Her eyes frantically dart across the pages- ] No, no, no! [ -searching line after line for the origin of this atrocity. ]

Here. 'Twas the wrong page in the right book, and you-- [ The Duchess turns sharply and glares, glares at-- at you. ] --could not even think to tell me sooner!

[ She rips page after page from her book, and stuffs them all into a big pot. ] Of course I'll start again, what choice do I have? But you had better do better this time!

Comments

[supertemp]

Do you think cooking the book'll help?

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess scoffs. ]

Why! Why, obviously! That is why the call it a cookbook, and not a readbook.

[supertemp]

I just don't think books go well with cream of eel, that's all. Suppose that's why you're the cook, though, and not me.

[pig_and_pepper]

Really now? Really? And what, pray tell, does cream of eel go with, if not books? Don't answer that! I've no use for your opinion, you should be ashamed of flaunting that thing to begin with!

[ She turns away from the camera sharply and stirs her pot with furious urgency. ]

She'll suggest beetles next, foolish woman, where would I find the pan for such a thing, of course I'm the cook and I know what is best, but 'tis hardly a feat to know more than nothing...

[supertemp]

[...beetles? This woman is obviously mental, but-]

Oi! I'll have you know, I know loads more than nothing, and I'll flaunt my opinions all I like!

[pig_and_pepper]

I spoke about her, I spoke at her, not to her, she truly ought to learn the difference...

[ The Duchess mutters angrily into her soup, still turned away, until she spins back around, waving her spoon with flourish and speaking crisply into the camera: ]

Opinions are like noses, everyone has them, and yours is too big for your head!