+ The Moral of the First Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ A transmission, you see, must be like a song: Voice and instruments alike, playing its tune. Her instruments are the pans and pots, the clinking and clacking, the bubbling and boiling, the rustling of pages from the book of recipes in her hand. Truth be told, this particular song may be a little out of tune. ]

Mustard, custard, cream of eel. Salt and pepper, same old-- herrings?

[ Her eyes frantically dart across the pages- ] No, no, no! [ -searching line after line for the origin of this atrocity. ]

Here. 'Twas the wrong page in the right book, and you-- [ The Duchess turns sharply and glares, glares at-- at you. ] --could not even think to tell me sooner!

[ She rips page after page from her book, and stuffs them all into a big pot. ] Of course I'll start again, what choice do I have? But you had better do better this time!

Comments

[video]

[oversight]

What's this a recipe for? Like to cook. Maybe I can help.

[pig_and_pepper]

Hmmm? [ The Duchess looks up from her boiling pages with a serene smile. ] My dear, sweet boy, were you not taught that too many cooks spoil the broth?

[oversight]

Never heard of a sous-chef? Shouldn't mind givin' up the prep. Tedium's not befittin' a head chef.

[video]

[watchthedetective]

...what?

[pig_and_pepper]

Would you have me explain it to you in reverse, darling? I know-- No, no, we both know you cannot turn back the clock, don't we? But you can wind it up again, and that is the moral of story.

[ The Duchess pours a cautiously measured amount of milk into a cup and holds it over the pot briefly, before spilling the milk over her shoulder and throwing the empty cup into the boiling water. ]

'Tis much the same as with custard, truly...

[watchthedetective]

[Well, this is almost certainly someone who's actually from here, so Joan should probably see what she can find out.]

...It might come out better if you used the actual food.

[Or she could comment on her strange understanding of cooking. That works too.]

[video]

[surpassedentropy]

[ Excuse you, lady, Homura didn't do a thing to you. ]

Do you have any specific suggestions for improvement?

[ Playing along seems to be the way to go with this unhinged stranger. ]

[pig_and_pepper]

Have I given any suggestions for improvement? Do you think me so selfish that I would hog for myself what is ours? Hog it all like a pig while serving pork, that is what you think of your Duchess.

[ She snaps the spoon in her hands in half and furiously throws the pieces into the boiling water. After a deep breath she produces another spoon from the drawers and stirs the mixture quickly. ]

That is what you think, girl, you of all people, no wonder you did it over and over and over and _{over and} over again without results, oh!

[surpassedentropy]

[ Homura raises her eyebrows, slightly startled. Seems like the unhinged Duchess knows more than most. ]

My Duchess? [ She has to be a native resident of this place. Homura starts wracking her brain for what she can remember from the stories of Wonderland. ] I wouldn't know of any selfishness on your part, I was only curious to see what you would advise in order to do better. [ She definitely remembers pigs being a big deal when it came to the Duchess. ]

[supertemp]

Do you think cooking the book'll help?

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess scoffs. ]

Why! Why, obviously! That is why the call it a cookbook, and not a readbook.

[supertemp]

I just don't think books go well with cream of eel, that's all. Suppose that's why you're the cook, though, and not me.

[crybabybootleg]

M-mh-me?

[Jacuzzi is pretty sure she can't mean him, personally]

But I don't even know what you're cooking! How can I do better when I've got no clue what you're trying to make!

[he waves his hands in defense of his innocence, wincing a little- herring, and cream of eel? And cookbook pages. Doesn't exactly sound too tasty]

[pig_and_pepper]

A splendid point, my wonderful boy, a most splendid remark, you have analysed our conundrum exceedingly well, because--

[ To every pot there is a lid, and the Duchess covers her pot with a heavier book. Then she turns towards the camera with a cheerful smile. ]

Because knowledge is powder, and powder has no place in this recipe, and so, as they say, less is more. Especially powder.

[crybabybootleg]

... Powder?

[Jacuzzi cocks his head and just...stares, the sort of bewildered stare that seems on the verge of panic- The odd choice of a pot lid doesn't seem to improve on his confusion at all.]

But what are you trying to make? I really don't understand!

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

Can we be of any assistance?

We're very good in the kitchen, you know!

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess reaches for a piece of cloth and cleans her spoon, wearing a bright smile. ]

A friend in need is a friend indeed, but two friends in need are better! I should like to tell you why, my good Lady Tweedledee, and my kind Lady Tweedledum: Two friends have twice the hands to keep busy, twice the fingers as well, if not more, and that-- That, as you well know, makes assurance double sure!

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

If anyone is sure and certain--

It's certainly us! We'll be right down!

Or we would be if someone would stop touching things that don't belong to her.

[Tweedledum shoots her sister a dirty look, but doesn't disagree.] Well it was left sitting out!

video

[cheerleader]

[Her nose wrinkles up in a mixture of not being sure what to say, and being grossed out by whatever it was the woman is trying to make.]

Making word stew?

[Eyebrows arch, and she smiles in slight amusement. No, really. That's a lot of pages shoved into a pot.]

[pig_and_pepper]

Word broth,

[ she scoffs angrily, without even the faintest trace of amusement, as if the difference was as obvious as it was vital. And it is, naturally, because the Duchess says so. ]

[cheerleader]

Okay, fine, word broth. Are you actually going to eat it?

[voice]

[worldentire]

Was it too much t'ask for warnin's that weren't just jibberish?

[pig_and_pepper]

I warn you clearly then, that you are the next ingredient, if you'll not mind your tone.

[ CLANK _CLANK CLANK goes the audio feed, as the Duchess angrily taps her spoon against the pot. ]

late tag is late >>

[paper_knight]

I don't believe we've spoken before. Much less cooked together.

psh, what is this late you speak of?

[pig_and_pepper]

You are entirely correct, good man! Entirely and completely accurate in your observation, I admire you for it, truly!

[ The cooking has, at least on her part, since culminated in arranging a yellow-ish mush of pages, pens and other assorted travesties on a flowery plate. ]

I am the Duchess, if it pleases you to ask. And if it displeases you, why, I never said a word!