+ The Moral of the First Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ A transmission, you see, must be like a song: Voice and instruments alike, playing its tune. Her instruments are the pans and pots, the clinking and clacking, the bubbling and boiling, the rustling of pages from the book of recipes in her hand. Truth be told, this particular song may be a little out of tune. ]

Mustard, custard, cream of eel. Salt and pepper, same old-- herrings?

[ Her eyes frantically dart across the pages- ] No, no, no! [ -searching line after line for the origin of this atrocity. ]

Here. 'Twas the wrong page in the right book, and you-- [ The Duchess turns sharply and glares, glares at-- at you. ] --could not even think to tell me sooner!

[ She rips page after page from her book, and stuffs them all into a big pot. ] Of course I'll start again, what choice do I have? But you had better do better this time!

Comments

[crybabybootleg]

M-mh-me?

[Jacuzzi is pretty sure she can't mean him, personally]

But I don't even know what you're cooking! How can I do better when I've got no clue what you're trying to make!

[he waves his hands in defense of his innocence, wincing a little- herring, and cream of eel? And cookbook pages. Doesn't exactly sound too tasty]

[pig_and_pepper]

A splendid point, my wonderful boy, a most splendid remark, you have analysed our conundrum exceedingly well, because--

[ To every pot there is a lid, and the Duchess covers her pot with a heavier book. Then she turns towards the camera with a cheerful smile. ]

Because knowledge is powder, and powder has no place in this recipe, and so, as they say, less is more. Especially powder.

[crybabybootleg]

... Powder?

[Jacuzzi cocks his head and just...stares, the sort of bewildered stare that seems on the verge of panic- The odd choice of a pot lid doesn't seem to improve on his confusion at all.]

But what are you trying to make? I really don't understand!

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess really ought to try, then, to speak in a voice more soothing than before. ♥ ]

Then we must go back to the beginning, dear, and walk again, until we return to where we meant to arrive before we got lost. Simple geology, all of it!

[ She covers the book covering the pot with an apple. ]

Now then, what is the last thing you understood?

[crybabybootleg]

Well...I was a little bit lost from the start, I think, In this case. I'm not such a good cook myself, but I'm sorry if you wasted ingredients. I can't imagine...er... custard and cream of eel come cheap?

What was all wrong about the recipe? You started the wrong one?

[pig_and_pepper]

Your concern is the kindest, my wonderful friend, but all good things in life are free, and custard and cream are very good things indeed! Tragically--

[ Deciding that the apple has sat in its place long enough the Duchess takes a knife and slowly begins cutting it into very small slices. ]

Tragically not all that begins well ends well, and the recipe began so very, very well, until the page I turned was not the one meant to be turned, do you see the tragedy now? Or perhaps I turned the right page and found the wrong thing on it, but imagine if I had turned the wrong page so willfully, what moral would that present?

[crybabybootleg]

[Jacuzzi blushes bashfully, tucking his chin low against his neck... because he's pretty sure he's just been called a Duchess's Wonderful Friend.]

Oh. The pages where sticking together? Maybe something spilled on it. But I guess it's not too late to start over, except [and here his voice begins to falter].... you.... ripped the pages out.

[pig_and_pepper]

I did! I did, very much so! But-- [ She pops a thin apple slice into her mouth, chewing, chewing, chewing, and furrowing her brow when the chewing is done. ] But there are so very many other pages to fill the book in their stead, it should very much look as good as new, and make for a most pleasing read.

[ The Duchess spreads the apple slices out in front of her, like a strange sort of flower. ]

If life gives you a recipe for lemons, turn to another page, because- because I think you should agree that the moral is... the moral is that lemons are hardly much of a recipe at all, and we should not use them.

[crybabybootleg]

I don't think I could eat a whole lemon by itself. Way too much puckering.

But... Uh, what makes pages taste good? I've... never really eaten paper, expect by accident once when they must've wrapped up my sandwich weird...

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess thinks on this carefully, and announces her verdict with a snap of her fingers. ]

Then that must be it, dear! You did not savour it.

[crybabybootleg]

Maybe I've just got a common man's tastes, not to be disrespectin' ya, your grace, but newspaper pulp hasn't really got much flavor...

[pig_and_pepper]

Oh! Oh, you say it, you say what I feared, what I myself did not dare to say, but perhaps-- Yes, should it not depend on the news? Surely good news must taste all the sweeter!

[crybabybootleg]

Can't say I remember the last time I've seen good news in the paper...

No news is good news, they say.

[pig_and_pepper]

And that, my dearest, is a splendid moral to recall, I'm not surprised you brought it up, not surprised in the slightest! [ She claps her hands together cheerfully. ] You are quite the bright young man, I should say, small wonder you find common papers so dull.

[crybabybootleg]

Shucks, you're makin' me blush!