+ The Moral of the First Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ A transmission, you see, must be like a song: Voice and instruments alike, playing its tune. Her instruments are the pans and pots, the clinking and clacking, the bubbling and boiling, the rustling of pages from the book of recipes in her hand. Truth be told, this particular song may be a little out of tune. ]

Mustard, custard, cream of eel. Salt and pepper, same old-- herrings?

[ Her eyes frantically dart across the pages- ] No, no, no! [ -searching line after line for the origin of this atrocity. ]

Here. 'Twas the wrong page in the right book, and you-- [ The Duchess turns sharply and glares, glares at-- at you. ] --could not even think to tell me sooner!

[ She rips page after page from her book, and stuffs them all into a big pot. ] Of course I'll start again, what choice do I have? But you had better do better this time!

Comments

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

Can we be of any assistance?

We're very good in the kitchen, you know!

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess reaches for a piece of cloth and cleans her spoon, wearing a bright smile. ]

A friend in need is a friend indeed, but two friends in need are better! I should like to tell you why, my good Lady Tweedledee, and my kind Lady Tweedledum: Two friends have twice the hands to keep busy, twice the fingers as well, if not more, and that-- That, as you well know, makes assurance double sure!

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

If anyone is sure and certain--

It's certainly us! We'll be right down!

Or we would be if someone would stop touching things that don't belong to her.

[Tweedledum shoots her sister a dirty look, but doesn't disagree.] Well it was left sitting out!

[pig_and_pepper]

A thing, a thing? There is a saying, do you recall?

[ She taps her lips thoughtfully and recites: ]

If you love a thing, set it free! If it returns to you, then it belongs to you forever; and if not, then it is quite likely that a dishonest neighbour of ill repute stole it while you were not looking.

[ The Duchess sighs heavily and throws her spoon through the kitchen window, watching it fly with a look of deep melancholy. ]

We are our own worst neighbours sometimes, do you take my meaning?

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

It's simple jealousy, that's all.

What are you jealous of, your grace?

[pig_and_pepper]

I envy myself on occasion. I think of a younger Duchess, the woman of two minutes ago, who still held a spoon in her hands, which I do not possess. And to think... to think, that if you were to see her a mere fifty-three more minutes in the past, why, she would have opened a book to begin preparations on a meal, and I, were I that woman now, I would do a better job of it indeed.

[ The Duchess shakes her head. ]

But she who is not jealous is not truly in love, and love and laughter are the best medicine, especially against jealousy, so you see... so you see, all is well, in the end.

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

We could certainly provide you with all the spoons you might need, if we were there beside you.

We'd be beside yourself, spoons at the ready--

And perhaps we'd bring along some better recipes as well!

And some culinary skill, if we could scratch some together.

[pig_and_pepper]

Your kindness warms my heart, my good ladies, and your glorious, impeccable foresight--

[ The Duchess fishes a dripping wet page from her boiling pot and gives it a disappointed flick with her fingers. ]

The recipe does not call for culinary skill, do you see? 'Tis not amongst the ingredients at all, nor prudence, and where else might I gain my valour from? So I thought when I began, but oh, I was quite the fool to believe it!

[ She sighs deeply. ]

If only I'd had your esteemed company sooner, if only!

[twixt_dee_n_dum]

If wishes were fishes--

We'd dance on the sea!