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[At this rate, Donna's going to get a reputation for being the mansion's crazy cat lady. She's sitting cross-legged on the floor in her room, a different cat than last time - a tuxedo kitten - romping around behind her and a small fire extinguisher in her lap.]

I don't usually set much store by magic, but I was wondering if anybody out there maybe had some sort of, I dunno, spell or something to make everything in my room - and possibly my other cat - fireproof? And me, I suppose, that'd be nice too. Or if anybody has any ideas on how to go about training cats, but they don't really seem like terribly trainable animals, really. And how does one go about-

[The kitten suddenly bursts into flames, and Donna glances over her shoulder to make sure it's not setting something on fire. From her lack of surprise, it seems like this is a fairly regular occurrence.]

-teaching a cat to only set itself on fire on command?

[After a few moments of burning merrily, the flames extinguish themselves, and the kitten - apparently unharmed - settles down to lick one paw.]

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[It's the cat that originally draws his attention to the feed, but when said cat catches fire, he can't help but actually respond. You know, in a spooked, halfway to freaking out kind of voice.]

Did your cat just-- [Okay, cutting himself off because she already confirmed that yes, it did. It did just set itself on fire. And apparently this is normal. So he'll just attempt to compose himself, keep in mind that things like this are more or less normal here, draw in a nice deep breath, and...try to help...?]

Uh. I don't know anything about training it, but is there maybe something that seems to trigger the... [He makes a vague, sort of panicky hand gesture in the direction of the cat.] ...That whole thing? If there is, I mean...just keep it away from that, or something? I have no idea, spontaneously combusting cats are... Well-- ...I didn't think they were a thing.

They usually aren't a thing - not where I come from, anyway. But someone got him out of the closet with a box of normal kittens, and I thought that I'd give him a good home.

[She shrugs at his question, clearly quite a bit calmer about the situation than he is; she's had the kitten for a week now, after all, and she's had time to adjust to the occasional combustion.]

He just sort of does it...whenever. I haven't been able to figure out why yet, but I'm working on it.

Well, that's...awfully risky of you. Assuming you knew ahead of time about his...uh. Habit.

[But it's kind, too, and even if the strange fire-cat is still startling, Wash decides it's nice to find someone who's that kind. He doesn't exactly calm down, but he does appear and sound mildly less panicked now.]

Huh. Hopefully there's actually a cause and it's not just something that happens out of nowhere for no reason. That'd at least make it easier to control. [He tips his head, puzzled. Not to mention concerned.] ...And he's okay? Like, not hurt by it, or anything?

I figured I'd find some way to manage. It really doesn't happen that often, and if someone around here can at least help me fireproof my room, I should be...mostly all right.

[Except for the possibility of getting set on fire herself. But, hey, she's done crazier things. Maybe.]

Yeah, the fire doesn't seem to hurt him at all. Doesn't make much sense, but I've seen some weird things - though most of them obey the laws of physics a bit more than he does.

Hopefully someone's able to do that for you, then. Because, uh, yeah it would be pretty unfortunate if your room [and possibly subsequently, the whole mansion] caught fire because of a kitten. ...Would be kind of a funny story, though.

[Funny and weird, but you know. That's kind of what you get in Wonderland, right?]

Same here. With the seeing weird things that obey the laws of physics, that is. But--well, I'm glad he's okay, at least. That's what matters the most, outside of making sure he doesn't actually burn anything or anyone else. ...I'd be extra careful when it comes to picking him up or letting him on your bed, though. [He says if she doesn't already know that. But he's just trying to be helpful!]

Oh, yeah. Might even surpass the giant spider ruining my wedding story, that one. [Donna snorts, rolling her eyes. At least it would give her something else to tell people about, even if she wouldn't much like having her room catch fire.]

Trust me, I've worked that one out already. Good thing the closets seem to be willing to provide infinite supplies of bedding, because he's scorched a few duvets already.

...Wait, what? A giant spider ruined your wedding? [UM.] That's--I mean, that happened...here, right? Not wherever you're actually from? [Because he can only find ways to justify something like that happening in Wonderland, and it's a hell of a lot harder to accept ridiculous things like that happening outside of this place.]

Oh. Yeah, that's... Uh. That's a good thing, definitely. ...Maybe the closet could also give you a book that teaches you how to train fire cats, or something? [He's so unsure; having yet to use his own closet, he has little to no idea how they work.] Might be worth a try.

No, there was sort of an alien spider lady...thing back in London. It's a long story - she laid eggs in the centre of the Earth millions of years ago, a friend of mine ended up draining the Thames, it was a very busy Christmas. [She sounds so matter of fact about all of this, too.]

Oh, that's a good idea! I'll have to give that one a try, definitely.

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