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[supertemp]

[At this rate, Donna's going to get a reputation for being the mansion's crazy cat lady. She's sitting cross-legged on the floor in her room, a different cat than last time - a tuxedo kitten - romping around behind her and a small fire extinguisher in her lap.]

I don't usually set much store by magic, but I was wondering if anybody out there maybe had some sort of, I dunno, spell or something to make everything in my room - and possibly my other cat - fireproof? And me, I suppose, that'd be nice too. Or if anybody has any ideas on how to go about training cats, but they don't really seem like terribly trainable animals, really. And how does one go about-

[The kitten suddenly bursts into flames, and Donna glances over her shoulder to make sure it's not setting something on fire. From her lack of surprise, it seems like this is a fairly regular occurrence.]

-teaching a cat to only set itself on fire on command?

[After a few moments of burning merrily, the flames extinguish themselves, and the kitten - apparently unharmed - settles down to lick one paw.]

Comments

video;

[yougotnumbtongue]

[Leonard doesn't mean to laugh, Donna, he really doesn't, but you've got two cats and one of them can set itself on fire? That's funny. It is! See? He's laughing!

Don't worry, it's a charming one.]

Maybe you can crate train it.

[Still chuckling, don't you worry.]

[supertemp]

[Donna just rolls her eyes at him. She's not terribly exasperated, though because it is a rather charming laugh.]

Sure, till it melts a hole in the crate.

[yougotnumbtongue]

[Well there it is again.]

Find one that's fireproof. Better yet, let it out in the woods and find a cat that doesn't set itself on fire at random.

video

[cheerleader]

[Here's Claire.

And her bear.

See Claire and her bear stop and stare.]

Maybe you should get a bigger fire extinguisher before you worry about training it. Did you get him out of the closet?

[supertemp]

[Donna, on the other hand, is staring at Claire's bear. A flaming kitten is one thing, but at least it won't grow large enough to eat people.]

He's getting better about not setting things on fire - or at least not jumping on the bed and setting the covers on fire. [You don't even want to know how many sets of bedding she's gone through lately.]

Someone else found a load of kittens in a box in the closet, and I thought I'd take this one. [Though why Donna thought this was a good idea is another question entirely.]

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[vitalityaura]

... Is your cat some kind of fire spirit? [he's not sure if he should call this awesome or just really weird]

I can make your stuff fireproof, but I dunno about another cat. How'd you get a magic fire cat in the first place?

[supertemp]

No, it's...just a cat that sets itself on fire sometimes. [Go with really weird, it's probably the best bet.]

Well, she's learnt to keep her distance by now, anyway. [Which probably means that her other cat spends most of its time hiding under the bed after it hit the flaming cat and got its whiskers singed for its trouble.] Someone found a box of kittens in their closet - all the rest were normal, but I decided to give this little fellow a good home.

[video]

[selfrespecting]

[Martha knows about Donna's other cat, but this one is new, and honestly, she knows from the moment that she sees the fire extinguisher that something is very wrong here.

And needing things fireproofed? Also a bad, bad sign.

When the cat suddenly sets itself aflame, Martha gasps in shock, but it seems to simply be something it does. At least it explains everything else, though it may be in the most bizarre way possible.]

Donna, where did you even get it? [This is a bad life decision in so many ways.]

[supertemp]

[Sure, Martha, just judge Donna's poor life choices. She loves the kitten even if it does have a tendency to spontaneously combust.]

Cecil had it in a box of kittens in his closet, and I thought the poor thing needed a good home. Anyway, it hasn't set anything on fire yet, not properly. It's just scorched a few things. [About five sets of bedding, two tops, a pair of jeans, her rug, the other cat's whiskers, and a houseplant, to be precise.]

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[goodnightlisteners]

Sounds like everything's going pretty well! I'm sorry, though, I don't know any fireproofing spells.

[supertemp]

Hello again! Did you find homes for the rest of your kittens?

[text]

[lowkeyangel]

You know, normally when someone has a fiery kitty there's a cream you can buy.

[supertemp]

[Donna just stops and stares at her network device for a long moment before she texts back.]

Do you usually send complete strangers really inappropriate texts, or am I just lucky?

[video]

[seekingbrother]

[Al can't help a small laugh, sorry Donna. And ] I was wondering who that kitten went to! I could figure out a fire-proof covering for your furniture that would keep it from scorching and not look weird, but I can't do much about the sheets or other kitten. How is she doing, by the way?

[supertemp]

[Hey, laughing is a better reaction than freaking out at the flaming kitten, anyway.] I figured he needed a good home, even if he is a little different than the other cats. And she's doing fine! Though she did get a few of her whiskers singed off when she tried to fight with him the other day.

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[notthesecondworstfighter]

[It's the cat that originally draws his attention to the feed, but when said cat catches fire, he can't help but actually respond. You know, in a spooked, halfway to freaking out kind of voice.]

Did your cat just-- [Okay, cutting himself off because she already confirmed that yes, it did. It did just set itself on fire. And apparently this is normal. So he'll just attempt to compose himself, keep in mind that things like this are more or less normal here, draw in a nice deep breath, and...try to help...?]

Uh. I don't know anything about training it, but is there maybe something that seems to trigger the... [He makes a vague, sort of panicky hand gesture in the direction of the cat.] ...That whole thing? If there is, I mean...just keep it away from that, or something? I have no idea, spontaneously combusting cats are... Well-- ...I didn't think they were a thing.

[supertemp]

They usually aren't a thing - not where I come from, anyway. But someone got him out of the closet with a box of normal kittens, and I thought that I'd give him a good home.

[She shrugs at his question, clearly quite a bit calmer about the situation than he is; she's had the kitten for a week now, after all, and she's had time to adjust to the occasional combustion.]

He just sort of does it...whenever. I haven't been able to figure out why yet, but I'm working on it.

[not_apriest]

Cats, um... cats aren't really... trainable, cherie. Perhaps a fireproof box of some sort?

[supertemp]

All right, but I can't just keep him shut up in a box all the time, that would be cruel.

[video forever]

[speaksforthetrees]

[Oh dear.]

Is that-- is that normal? In your world?

[supertemp]

Weeeell, no, not exactly. I'm not really sure why he does that, to be honest.

[analogkvetching]

[You'll have to excuse his initial shocked silence. He's just seen what must be to him a small, strangely arranged person burst into flames. He comes around after a moment.]

... Well, uh... perhaps this behavior can be encouraged or discouraged like any other, with a system of reward versus discipline. That is, if it's even an intentional behavior. Does it... seem like it is?

[He feels a little ridiculous for asking, because why would anyone or anything come aflame on purpose?]

Acquiring dangerous animals seems to be something of a trend around here.

[supertemp]

[Donna's just going to stare back at him for a moment, because wow, he's a bipedal cat wearing clothes and talking. Of course she's the only companion who hasn't met cat people.]

I think it is sometimes. It's difficult to tell, really, because he's still just a kitten.

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[stoptheviolence]

[Strangely enough, cats? Something she actually knows quite a bit about.]

You need to use positive reinforcement. Like a treat or something.

Also, do you have one of those pens that makes that click click click noise when you push the top? 'cause they're like the opposite of teachers--they actually really like that sound.

[supertemp]

So I ought to give him treats whenever he stops flaming, yeah? 'Cos then he'll associate the treats with stopping. It's...Pavlovian, or whatever.