entranceway | op-ed } from Ace of Spades, the Wonderland Blog of Georgia Mason, entry #5

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op-ed } from Ace of Spades, the Wonderland Blog of Georgia Mason, entry #5

Are you happy here? Don't answer immediately. Take a minute to think about it. It's a complicated question. The concept of happiness is vague and hard to define, especially if we try and generalize it for all people. Certainly, there are moments of joy to be had here. As far as cages go, the gilding on this one can't be denied. Anything you want for free? The ability to come back to life without a hunger for human flesh? Eternal youth? No one is starving to death here. Everyone has a bed and a roof. Compared to a lot of the places people come from, this place is downright utopian even including the events. I know I'm dead at home. That's almost enough to counterbalance the lack of internet. Almost. There are a lot of reasons to be happy here. All we're giving up is freedom, and how many of us even really have that at home? It's the permanent all-expenses-paid resort vacation no one asked for, and time isn't moving so it's not like we're even missing anything. You know who was especially happy here? The people who lived in the Wonderland we all dreamed about in December. The ones who didn't remember ever living anywhere else. Talk about a happy ending. No one fighting, no one in pain, everyone living every day in pure, ignorant bliss. I've called Wonderland a lie before, and I maintain it, but it's the worst sort of lie because it's so very tempting to believe it. Would it really be so bad to give in and just be happy? Why fight it when it isn't our call, when we are powerless to do anything but try and survive whatever Wonderland throws at us? I say bliss is overrated. What's the point of being happy when you aren't yourself anymore? Is it really a vacation if you have no choice but to take it? There's so much here that we know isn't right. If we give in to being happy, we risk complacency, and if we get complacent, we risk losing the opportunity to rise up when we can. I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy the good times Wonderland gives us. God knows they're few and far between. Be happy. Just never forget everything Wonderland gives us is the equivalent of giving a favorite pet a nice toy. Wonderland is pampering us because it is using us. The minute we forget that is the minute Wonderland owns us. None of us are free. Never forget that. So am I happy here? It doesn't fucking matter.

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not really.
but i'm never happy.

[She's assuming people are familiar with the emotion, and don't have medical difficulties experiencing it. "Happiness" just isn't in his emotional arsenal, most days. He hasn't earned that.]

Sorry to hear it. I'd reword it to say do you want to stay here or do you prefer here to home, but those are a very different questions.

[Her own answers to all three vary a whole lot. Is she happy? Yes. Does she prefer it here? In a lot of ways. Does she want to stay? Good question.]

i've taken that survey before.

my guess is people aren't more or less happy than they would be back home.
isn't it a varying day to day kind of thing

Probably.

[This is the happiest she's ever been.]

But that's not really the point of this essay. I'm not looking for specific answers anyway. It's more a question of how you prioritize happiness.

i don't.
ever heard of anhedonia?

Can't say I have. Is it why you're never happy?

yeah.
turns out my brain's just not wired that way.

I'm sorry.

Do you wish it were different?

doesn't matter what i want.
it's not gonna happen.

I apologize. That was insensitive to ask.

[Surprise, Georgia Mason is not great at being sensitive.]

It isn't anything to do with how my brain's wired, but it still has never been a big priority for me either. There's just a lot that's more important. Besides, I work in the news. Nothing's more sobering than the truth.

it's fine.

[It happens. He's not exactly one to judge.]

i guess expecting to be happy all time is pretty unrealistic.
especially here.

[George's problem is mostly that she is a whole lot happier over all here than at home. She's alive. Nothing's trying to eat her. She has Shaun. She doesn't have her parents. She's one internet connection away from heaven.

She's the happiest she's been in her life, and she hates it.]

It's not even that, it's the complacency. Happy people don't question the status quo. They're that much less likely to take any sort of action to change things, even in a way that's better for them.

I have nothing against happiness. I have a lot against complacency.

makes sense.

[There's a notable pause between this message and the next one. She explicitly brought up the dreams in December, and those are - easier to talk about, he thinks, than the more recent kind. The kind in which she said everything he never dares think to himself.]

if it helps?
the you i met in those dreams during christmas was the only person there who told me i wasn't out of my mind.

only person who said if things felt wrong i should look into why.

[....that was surprisingly comforting. She's glad text means he won't know just how much. She's terrified of losing herself. Even if she wasn't fully herself, she was still encouraging people to look into things that weren't right. It's the next best thing to hearing she was looking into things herself, but Shaun's already told her that's not the case.]

That does help, actually. It's good to know this place can't entirely shut me off.

can't take the reporter out of you i guess.

[He's far from comforting, he knows. Far from the ideal person to comfort anyone, much less someone whose conversations with him are always their own nervous energy.

But still. Maybe it means something.]

Damn straight.

I still intend to do everything in my power to keep it from coming to that. I can handle being trapped. I can't handle losing myself.

hopefully it won't come to that.
or if it does we can do something about it.

We'll have to. My life back home may not have been amazing all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to lose it. No matter how happy I was.

you think the people who are happier here are more likely to lose that?

Yes. The less you have to lose, the more tightly you hold onto what matters.

that makes sense.
what if you don't have anything to lose?

Everyone has something to lose. You just might not know it til it's gone.

if this place has its way we don't even know it after it's gone.

[He isn't wrong. She doesn't like it.]

Mostly so far it's given things back after it takes them. Even in December we just got a glimpse of how much there is to lose. Of course that is so far. And you are right. I'd like to say a part of us would know anyway, but I don't have any evidence that that's the case.

so what's a failsafe?

[Not that he actually...cares, honestly, when it comes to his own set of memories. Causing Tim to lose himself is probably the most courteous thing this place could do for everybody.]

there are some events when certain people can remember stuff that most can't.