op-ed } from Ace of Spades, the Wonderland Blog of Georgia Mason, entry #5

[choosetruth]

Are you happy here?

Don't answer immediately. Take a minute to think about it. It's a complicated question. The concept of happiness is vague and hard to define, especially if we try and generalize it for all people. Certainly, there are moments of joy to be had here. As far as cages go, the gilding on this one can't be denied. Anything you want for free? The ability to come back to life without a hunger for human flesh? Eternal youth? No one is starving to death here. Everyone has a bed and a roof. Compared to a lot of the places people come from, this place is downright utopian even including the events. I know I'm dead at home. That's almost enough to counterbalance the lack of internet. Almost.

There are a lot of reasons to be happy here. All we're giving up is freedom, and how many of us even really have that at home? It's the permanent all-expenses-paid resort vacation no one asked for, and time isn't moving so it's not like we're even missing anything.

You know who was especially happy here? The people who lived in the Wonderland we all dreamed about in December. The ones who didn't remember ever living anywhere else. Talk about a happy ending. No one fighting, no one in pain, everyone living every day in pure, ignorant bliss.

I've called Wonderland a lie before, and I maintain it, but it's the worst sort of lie because it's so very tempting to believe it. Would it really be so bad to give in and just be happy? Why fight it when it isn't our call, when we are powerless to do anything but try and survive whatever Wonderland throws at us?

I say bliss is overrated. What's the point of being happy when you aren't yourself anymore? Is it really a vacation if you have no choice but to take it? There's so much here that we know isn't right. If we give in to being happy, we risk complacency, and if we get complacent, we risk losing the opportunity to rise up when we can.

I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy the good times Wonderland gives us. God knows they're few and far between. Be happy. Just never forget everything Wonderland gives us is the equivalent of giving a favorite pet a nice toy. Wonderland is pampering us because it is using us. The minute we forget that is the minute Wonderland owns us. None of us are free. Never forget that.

So am I happy here?

It doesn't fucking matter.

Comments

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[postictal]

i've heard thats why some people are using the gallery.
like a kind of last resort in case they forget anything

[Not that he thinks it'll matter, in the long run. You can't remember that it's something you're supposed to remember if all memory of it has been scraped clean.]

amnesia's a bitch.

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[choosetruth]

Still better than when they fill it in with fake memories. Then you don't even know something's missing. You're just living a lie.

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[postictal]

you don't always know something's missing anyway.

[Golly Tim you sound like you're speaking from experience.]

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[choosetruth]

[Of course she catches that.]

Lost a lot of memories?

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[postictal]

you know those issues i have?
yeah.

[Not exactly one hundred percent true. It's more due to Its influence than anything he was born with. But if he mentions It, she won't stop until he gives something up.]

text - private

[choosetruth]

[Ah. Time to make this less open for prying eyes.]

You can go through that and not know anything's missing?

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[postictal]

[Should've tossed a filter up earlier. Or maybe just privatize their conversations by default. People are gonna know he's a freak either way, though, and he figures that's...against George's sense of morality or something, to just throw up private filters left and right. The people have a right to know, probably.]

depends on how much goes missing.

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[choosetruth]

And how injured you end up, I suppose.

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[postictal]

pretty much.
when that other thing happens i don't always

[Christ but does he not wanna be talking about this. Even if it's to someone who's been startlingly understanding about the whole mess.]

i don't know what happens.
i just wake up and i never remember what i did.

[Hence his degree of trust in cameras.]

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[choosetruth]

Wonderland must be a special kind of hell for you, then.

[If he wakes up with memories missing, is it because of an event or whatever other weirdness Wonderland's throwing at them? Or did he have an episode he no longer remembers?]

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[postictal]

you get used to it.

[After a while, you just learn to live with it. He never had control over his life. Never even lived with the illusion of control. Kinda made it easier to adjust to the pacing of a place like this.

He never really lost anything at all. He never had control in the first place.]

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[choosetruth]

You shouldn't have to.

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[postictal]

[No insistence that he push past it? No claims that he's not trying hard enough?

Either that's sympathy or something he doesn't want to put a name to. Either way, it's easiest to just - do what comes naturally. Press back. Shrug. Shake his head.]

yeah well i did.
can't change it.

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[choosetruth]

It hasn't happened again, has it?

[Would he tell her? She doesn't think he trusts her much, but she already knows about this secret, and she is, above all things, a woman of her word. She hasn't told.]

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[postictal]

not that i know of.
at least i got used to being able to tell when it does.

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[choosetruth]

And this place is pretty small most of the time. We would have heard something. You weren't exactly subtle.

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[postictal]

yeah.
and that's why it's good to have cameras.

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[choosetruth]

[That's honestly a little surprising. Maybe because she associates cameras with the truth and Tim is, well, a liar.]

You want to be caught on camera?

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[postictal]

because cameras don't forget.

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[choosetruth]

[Film can be erased and doctored and files can be corrupted, but this doesn't seem like a good time to bring that up. Cameras may not offer the same ironclad proof they once did, but they're still a useful start.]

They tell you the truth.

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[postictal]

[It's far from perfect, no. Film is easily corruptible, edited, and too many cameras have broken after coming into the contact with a nameless, faceless something that tore into his mind and out again, leaving sheer discord in Its wake.]

they're more reliable than my memory anyway.

used to carry one around all the time.
bad habit
but maybe i should start again.

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[choosetruth]

I recommend it.

[There's a pause before she continues. Tim isn't a part of her team, and things with Buffy are still a little bit rough. Does she want to share one of their biggest assets with someone who she wants to shake half the time? Is she at the point where she can ask Buffy for things?

When the fuck did shit get so complicated?

Fuck it.]

If you want I can put you in contact with our techie. She's here now. She can hook you up with something actually good.

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[postictal]

is that that buffy person?

[He chatted with her for a bit. About the usual suspects: reporting, editing, videography, suicidal ideation. You know, the typical gig.]

better than a chest camera?

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[choosetruth]

That's her. Provides our site with porn, poetry, and miracles of technology that make my head hurt just to think about.

[And knives in the back. Whatever, bygones. Sort of.]

Anyway, yes, absolutely better than your pre-Rising chest camera.

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[postictal]

[Porn. Classy. He can see where the two of them would clash, just based on that descriptor alone. You can just hear the sarcasm.]

i could talk to her.
it's no problem.