✥ video .005

[thevulnerability]

[ Chloe is sitting at her desk with the camera propped up in front of her, and she looks wholly uncomfortable, which is par for the course whenever she addresses the network. She takes a deep breath, speaking with an even tone, clearly having rehearsed what she's about to say quite a few times. ]

Hi, everyone. If you don't know me, my name is Chloe Decker. I've been in Wonderland for almost two years, and before I came here I was a homicide detective with the Los Angeles Police Department. For the last few months I've been running the Deux Lux bar and nightclub, so if you don't know me personally, maybe you've seen me there. That's, uh, not really the point of this, though.

[ She clears her throat and pushes her hair over her shoulder, trying to get back on track. ]

I'm not closing down Lux or anything, but I've come to terms pretty recently with the fact that I'm always going to be a cop. About a year or so ago someone put together a guard to help protect people who had died multiple times in Wonderland. That person has since gone home but I always thought it was a good idea, and even though our relationship with the Mirrorside has seemed to change a little since last year, I think the concept is still applicable. So what I'd like to do is talk about reforming something similar, a group of people who have experience that might be able to offer resources or even protection for those who need it, especially during the more chaotic events.

And even outside of them, when necessary. Some of you are probably aware of an incident that occurred last year involving one of our own being murdered, and I don't think I'm the only one who felt helpless to do anything during that situation. I don't plan on laying down any law here... For the most part, I've learned we take care of each other as best we can. But I do think there is a basic code that needs to be upheld and that is one of decency towards each other, and for me, that means letting the people I care about know that they have somewhere to turn when they need help. I think this idea could help with that, whether it be organizing rescues or safe areas during events, or developing some kind of due process when someone is doing active harm to our community.

[ The part of the script she's more or less memorized is over at that point, so she presses her lips together and nods at the camera. ]

I'm open to suggestions, and volunteers.

Comments

[thevulnerability]

Klaus...

[ She is ready to insist that he doesn't understand, but he must. Before Wonderland pulled them all apart, Chloe had to accept the fact that she was a human surrounded by supernatural beings. Beings that could be selfish and thoughtless, and often violent, but she loved them all regardless. While her own humanity hadn't changed, it had become more palpable after that time, as she became exceedingly aware of her own fragile mortality. It was important to her not just to be good, but to show them all the importance of their own humanity, especially during the times they struggled with it. She had with Lucifer, and Caroline, although with Klaus it had always been different, as he always seemed a little wiser, and a little more decisive, with his compassion and his viciousness.

But he also understood her. She doesn't doubt for a second, even with the unwavering weight of his response, that he doesn't grasp how her inaction put the very state of her being into complete turmoil.

She stares at him, her eyes wide with fear; fear that she can't take back what happened, that she can't fix it, that it has changed her into something she never wanted to be and now there's no going back. ]

It's not. Not for me.

[poppycock]

( he does understand. he understands, and he knows. he sees the terror of that change, of that irreversible decision in her eyes, and it burrows under his skin. it widens his own eyes with that compassion, with that viciousness, because he cannot tell her she was right. he cannot tell her she was wrong. he cannot alter the truth nor the honesty in her words nor take away the weight of their meaning.

it's not, no. it's not good for her. nor was it for him, the first time cruelty and vengeance took ahold of his blood, his bones, and made them theirs.

perhaps that's why he's so quick to speak, to convince her that this does not mean she is lesser, or evil. or lost. why the cut of emotion seeps into his words. ) My brother would have torn you apart without blinking. ( she was saving herself. he's glad that she did. ) Leopold has been spouting such falsehoods and prejudices that even the hardest of men would become ill with hatred. ( he certainly has. )

The world is not always good. The choices we are given are not always good. But your fault here was not egregious, it was human.

[thevulnerability]

[ She hasn't talked to anyone about this, not even Seth, because she never believed anyone could truly grasp the weight it had put on her heart. Instead, she kept it to herself, and it had festered into self-hatred, into a judgment of herself independent of the world and the inherent cruelty it often exercised over the innocent.

She didn't think she was better than any of them. But she did believe she should be better than what she was that day. ]

I've always wanted to uphold justice. That wasn't justice. It was revenge. [ Not that she hadn't been driven to it before, when she held a gun to the head of the man who murdered her father. She had almost pulled the trigger, and she knew Lucifer and Maze wouldn't have judged her for it. The only thing that held her back was the judgment of herself. ]

I know what you're saying is true, but it doesn't make me feel better. I don't doubt for a second that Kol would have killed me for it, but it shouldn't have mattered. I'm promised myself this place wouldn't change me and now I have to accept that it has.

[poppycock]

( he doesn't want to see her hurt. he doesn't want to, but the image of her pain cuts into him, becomes him; he feels it as if it is his own. perhaps because it was. perhaps because it feels as if it never was; he was never this good person that she so obviously is, this person she so dearly strives to be with heart and will and power so admirable. he aches for her and rebels against those empathies, if only to reject the obviousness of his own wretchedness.

he has done revenge. he has reveled in it. he is the picture of all she has feared to be, all she fears she is becoming, and he is terrified and ashamed of that judgement.

so he rejects it, as he always has, tears hanging in his eyes, his voice unnecessarily harsh even as it strains with the emotion he desires to ignore, avoid, and eschew. ) Well I for one am glad that it has, because it saved your life. ( he has run out of breath. he stops with it held in his chest.

what he has said is no comfort to her. and while it is not a lie, there is truth lacking in it. or perhaps what scares him in that moment is that she can hear his truth, seeping through. it feels obvious to him, in that moment: obvious and small, yet large enough to crush him.

he swallows his weakness. when he speaks, his voice is level, and soft, and decisive. ) I know what is more important than any morality. Leopold suffered — he suffers — because he deserves it. Not you. Never you.

[thevulnerability]

[ She winces at his sharp words, even if they are ones meant to protect her. She does value her own life - more than she had, after Seth had been forced to kill her, when she was numb enough to take risks that would have thrown it away.

But no one who signs up for the police can truly value their own life above others. At least, not those who have taken that burden for the reasons Chloe did. She always knew there was a chance she would die doing what she does. She has almost died, and survived only because of Lucifer's efforts. Every day she's out there, she risks losing her life and, worse, leaving Trixie without a mother, just as she was left without her father. It leaves a part of her wondering if her own quest for good really is inherently selfish.

She wants to respond, but the tightness in her throat restricts her. She wants to ask him--to plead with him--to tell her what to do. She wants to know how he lives with himself, knowing all that he's done. She wants an answer, any answer, that will prevent her from looking in the mirror and hating what she sees.

But she also knows he won't have that answer. All it will do is voice the judgment that he fears, and she can't push herself to do that. She loves him, and even in light of her selfish wants, it is more important to her that she doesn't risk hurting him, that she doesn't risk her questions casting doubt over how she sees him.

She wants him to know how aware she is that he speaks from a place of experience and that for whatever his sins, she allows him a forgiveness she still can't offer herself. It only then she finds her voice again. ]

I just have to figure out how to move forward. This is the only way I can think of.

[poppycock]

( he looks down.

he looks away after that pregnant, vulnerable pause, unable in all his cowardice to see so plainly what he does fear: the acknowledgement of that truth in her eyes. there's a knot in his throat which he finds near impossible to swallow past; his eyes are rounded and he only just quells the moisture in his eyes. she sees him. she always has had that ability or perhaps he's never had the ability to lie to her, to playact, to pretend or hide.

it's a salve instead of the wound he assumed it would be. he does not relish the intimacy, but he values it. he values her. with effort, he lifts his gaze back.

this is not about his faults, his sins, his griefs or regrets. this is about hers. ) You will, ( he says softly, his voice a gruff contrast to its prior harshness. the words are said with confidence but grimness; it's not an easy road, nor does it lead to definitive peace. he gropes for something that will comfort her, that is not a lie. ) You've already begun. ( now, with this. )

[thevulnerability]

[ She nods stiffly, a sniff escaping as she rolls her eyes towards the ceiling in an attempt to fight back the tears she can feel pushing forward. In a way, she wishes that Klaus would see her as she sees herself - as a traitor to her humanity, as someone who threw away her values in a moment of weakness. Her pain and frustration were not a reason, but an excuse, and she knows to have crossed that line means she can never fully go back to the other side.

What she did to Fitz was abhorrent, but was what he did truly unforgivable? She's long forgiven Klaus, for his trespasses not just against her but for all he's done in the past, all of the things he is guilty of and she tries to conveniently forget. At least, she thought it was forgiveness, her lack of judgment. But perhaps they aren't the same thing at all.

She has already learned that she can love without truly forgiving. But she also knows that what Klaus, Fitz, and even Lucifer have done didn't always affect her. Not all their sins, if any, are hers to forgive. ]

I hope you're right. Because, if I can't...

[ Well, the result is clear enough, isn't it? Stare into the abyss too long, and Chloe has done more than stare. She's dropped herself into it, wrapped it around her like a warm blanket, tricked herself into seeing a flickering of light. She's surrounded herself with monsters in hopes that her own humanity would save them; instead, she's risked becoming one herself. ]

If this doesn't work, I don't know where to go from here.