+ The Moral of the Christmas Story +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ On the conveniently pre-dated evening of December 24 the Duchess and her pig are busily dancing from stocking to stocking. Wonderland has yet to fill those with its magical gifts, and so the Duchess is ever so pleased to spread a little Christmas spirit in advance. In each stocking she places a thoughtful token to every single person in Wonderland, picked with love by her very own self. ]

Forgive and forget, 'tis what they say, but above all they say that those who, yes, those who do not have Christmas in their hearts, shall not find it under a root- tree! Tree. Those shall... not find it under a tree. But you- [ she spreads her arms open wide ] are all in my heart, my dearest, and so you shall find this wonderful day in your stocking. A very, very Merry Christmas to you all!

[ She smiles brightly, shoulders her pig, and begins to hum Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, cheerfully covering the cracks in the floor with sprigs of pine as she walks away. ]

And once you look into that stocking...
The Traveler will find a bronze medal with #3 boldly engraved on it
Elizabeth will find a mug of hot chocolate (mug not included)
Jesse Pinkman will find a bottle of ketchup
Angel will find an empty cardboard box
Cordelia Chase will find a self-help book on anger management
Lindsey McDonald will find a single bag of peppermint tea
Lena Duchannes will find un unlabelled bottle filled with light pink liquid
Annie Edison will find a handful of sand
Chihiro Fujisaki will find a rock
John Blake will find bright red nail polish
George Lass will find a slip of paper saying "You are the real winner here!"
Susan Sto-Helit will find a breathalyzer keychain
Brittany Pierce will find a room key labelled '#457'
Santana Lopez will find a pan flute
Shannon Beiste will find ballet shoes
A. J. Crowley will find an unlabelled bottle filled with light blue liquid
Aziraphale will find a large chocolate chip cookie
James Potter will find earplugs
Sam Winchester will find an elegant black tie
Allison Argent will find a roll of aluminum foil
Cora Hale will find a white rose
Derek Hale will find a chocolate-covered piece of coal
Isaac Lahey will find a lizard
Scott McCall will find a wooden medal with the words 'THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION' engraved on it
Remus Lupin will find a brown recluse spider
Peter Petrelli will find 'Riverdance: The Show' on DVD
John Egbert will find a silver amulet on a chain
Toothless will find a German-Portuguese dictionary
Katniss Everdeen will find a baseball bat with the name "Harold" engraved on it
The Lorax will find five plastic spoons and one plastic fork
The Once-ler will find a silver medal with #2 boldly engraved on it
Ardeth Bay will find lots and lots of glitter
Evelyn Carnahan will find a label maker
Tom Hanniger will find a hospital gown
Alice Liddell will find Brad Pitt's autograph
Daniel will find a gold medal with #1 boldly engraved on it
America will find a large dog collar
The Kid will find a dead goldfish
Mark Meltzer will find a Christmas card with a picture of the Duchess and her pig both wearing Santa hats
Belle will find a Sailor Moon coffee mug
Emma Swan will find a small cactus
Henry Mills will find a golden wristwatch with "Forever yours, Timothy" engraved on the back
Philip will find a jar filled with live bees
Souji Seta will find an elegant chess set (though one white rook has been replaced with a salt shaker)
Hector Barbossa will find an unlabelled bottle filled with light green liquid
Jack Sparrow will find a guide to 'The Local Fauna and Flora of Nibelheim'
Chell will find a bottle of vitamin supplements
Agent Washington will find the body of a very pretty porcelain doll
Luke Smith will find a stapler
Adam Milligan will find a Cuban cigar
Bela Talbot will find an instruction manual for a chainsaw
Castiel will find a pair of 3D glasses
Crowley will find a brain slug
Dean Winchester will find the head of a very pretty porcelain doll
Ellen Harvelle will find a kitten
Gabriel will find a silver amulet on a chain
Jo Harvelle will find a slip of paper saying "We are all very disappointed in you."
Meg will find a 100 Swiss franc note
Michael will find a map of Canada
Stiles Stilinski will find the book 'A Concise, Contemporary Guide to Table Manners'
Martha Jones will find lots and lots of stinging nettle
The Doctor will find a CD with just one track
Tohru Honda will find a small porcelain duck
Alphonse Elric will find a pepper shaker and a white rook from an elegant chess set
Edward Elric will find a Weight Watchers lifetime membership card
Greed will find a toothbrush
Aramis will find nothing, but his stocking is on fire
Athos will find a slip of paper that just says "No."
D'Artagnan will find four AA batteries
Duke of Buckingham will find ketchup (without the bottle)
Caroline Forbes will find small pieces of scented soap, shaped like human organs
Daryl Dixon will find the second half of Pride and Prejudice
H.G. Wells will find a fortune cookie
Cecil Baldwin will find a brooch with the sigil of House Baratheon
Minako Arisato will find the first half of Pride and Prejudice
Amy Pond will find a stack of pre-written apology cards, already signed with her name
Lydia Martin will find a frilly apron with the words KISS THE COOK stitched on it

Comments

+ To The Duchess +

[pig_and_pepper]

[ For anybody who would like to respond to the Duchess' transmission ]

[freewill]

[Castiel has very little interest in whatever might be in his stocking. He may look later on, when he has the chance, but for now he's more focused on the fact that the person everyone's been trying to hunt down like dogs has finally shown herself as if she was never gone.

He sends a quick reply to her message, his brow set with a frown.]

Where's the sword?

[pig_and_pepper]

[ Sword? Sword? But what of his wonderful glasses? ]

Tut, tut, tut. One gift for everyone, one gift each, for all of you. Go along, play with yours now, you are ever so welcome, my dear!

[freewill]

The sword is not a gift, it's a weapon. And one that we're all going to need.

[Has the Duchess managed to completely miss everything that's gone on these past weeks? The residents here do seem to be lost in their own little worlds, but Castiel has no patience for it at the moment.

Not that he ever does.]

[pig_and_pepper]

No, no, no, not swords, love, words. Words are the most powerful weapon of them all! Would you have me propose a selection? [ She clears her throat. ] Speak after me, now, 'Thank you very much, Your Grace, for this wonderful present'.

[algidity]

[ Guess who has two thumbs and isn't going to check his stocking? Did you guess right? Isaac could give the Grinch a run for his money.

They've been looking for her and the Red Queen nonstop, and now she's popping up like it's no big deal, it's enough to agitate him. ]

Where are you? [ More importantly, why has she been ignoring what's going on. ]

[pig_and_pepper]

Can such a question truly be answered? Can we know, utterly and completely, where any of us are in this splendorous world? I propose that we cannot!

[ Of course, strictly speaking the Duchess is currently sitting comfortably by a flickering fireplace, her piglet fast asleep in her lap. Where exactly that fireplace is, however, may be somewhat difficult to discover. ]

I propose, that- that to find the moral, one must understand where one has been, and then discover where one wishes to go! Where we are is, at the end of the day, so very fleeting, wouldn't you say?

[algidity]

[ Grump, grump, grump! He's not in the mood for crazy Wonderland gibberish hoohaw and this is made clear by the frustrated growl he produces. ] I don't care.

[ That's the only reason he isn't growling at her in person - he doesn't know where that fireplace is. So this will have to do. She's a coward, she ran away and left them all to die, hell, she's probably dead herself. Which gives him a nice idea. Down to business. ]

If you run from the Jabberwock, you will die in the future, if you don't stay and fight it, or give the sword to someone who can. [ He's not entirely sure of that, but it's a great guess, he hasn't seen her in a long time. ] It'll kill you and everyone else.

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess barely has time to scrunch up her nose at the disregard of her splendid moral, when the threat makes her shriek out loud. Awoken by the noise, her pig squeals anxiously in return, and together they scream once more, a high-pitched cacophony of exasperation. ]

May your lizard bite your ear, boy!

[ Furiously she glares at the screen, and-- oh, but what is this? Yet another set of earplugs? Why, such blessing! Hastily the Duchess plugs her ears, then the ears of her pig.

Then she brushes back her hair, coughs politely and smiles, happily humming a festive tune in response. ]

♫ Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light! Next year all oooOooOoOur troubles will be out of sight... ♫

[oversight]

[He shakes the little red nail polish bottle as if presenting it for display.]

This? Real thoughtful, thank you. Don't s'pose you're lookin' for a manicure, are you? Hear people get the best gossip at the nail salon.

[pig_and_pepper]

You are ever so welcome! 'Tis a favourite of mine, the colour!

[ She cheerfully looks down on the snoozing piglet in her lap, and cautiously lifts one of its little feet, proudly displaying a hoof painted in the very same colour.

The Duchess smiles, pets her pig's head, and gingerly covers its ears with both her hands, before leaning forward for a conspiratorial whisper. ]

Between the both of us, my dear, I think it will suit you better.

[oversight]

[He isn't quite sure if that's meant as an insult or a compliment, but either way, he doesn't allow himself to be taken too far off the road.]

Be sure to send you a picture when I get 'round to usin' it. [A pause.] Why the gifts? Somethin' special 'bout them, 'side the obvious?

[pig_and_pepper]

[ No greater compliment than that, of course! Her piglet is a thing of beauty, after all. ]

Oh my no, they are simply and obviously perfect, as you say, my good boy, as you say so correctly, the obviously obvious is obviously ominous and frightfully ingenious, but they are all, all ex - act - ly what you so undoubtedly need.

[builditstrong]

[Tact is not the Kid's strong suit, but he has to try and play this right.]

Thanks fer the, uh...fish, ma'am. S'real nice 'f ya.

Ya mind 'f I ask ya a question, though?

[pig_and_pepper]

Oh, you're quite welcome, quite welcome! You've made such progress, my dear, perhaps next year you'll deserve a live one! As they say-- [ She taps her lips. ] Care first for a plant, then a dead fish, then a live lizard, then let love into your life.

[ She sighs and smiles, reminiscing on her own wisdom for a moment. ]

Now, where were we? But of course, ask all you please!

[builditstrong]

Yeah, uh...my Ma useta say that all the time. [??????????]

Well, I was wond'rin'...they's a sword some folk've been lookin' for. Th' Vorpal Sword? Was wond'rin' 'f ya seen it.

[pig_and_pepper]

Ah! [ she exclaims with a shriek of delight, and claps her hands together, startling the drowsy pig in her lap. ] Your mother must be-- oh, sorry, my love --must be a very wise woman!

[ She scratches the pig behind its ear apologetically, until it buries its snout in her dress, and falls back asleep. Her voice then is a suitable whisper, so as not to disturb the poor dear further. ]

Of course I have, of course I have! 'Tis my very own sword, the Vorpal Sword, and if I may say, my very pride and joy! Why, the Queen of Hearts herself gave it to me as a gift, after I restored her Mirrors to their proper place!

[righteously]

[Preemptively, in defense of how Dean's about to handle the sitution, he's sure there are half a dozen people- future or otherwise- taking every possible approach to getting that damn sword from this bitch. He's sure there's pleading, there's asking nicely, there's beating around the bush. He's sure their bases are covered, except for one niche approach which he's probably the only person qualified to fill.

He's also very, very desperate man, who might still be a little drunk from the day before.

So he levels the camera with his hardest, scariest crazy eyes.]

Listen up, sweetheart. If you don't give me that sword,

I

will

kill you.

[It's enunciated very simply, very clearly.]

I don't know how the Queen hasn't found you, I don't know what you've done with it, I don't know why you haven't given it back, and I don't care. People are going to die without it. I will spend as many years as it takes looking for you, I will find you, I will shoot you, and I will take it from your cold, lifeless, headless corpse unless you give it to me.

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The video feed goes on, just long enough to hear the Duchess shriek in horrified indignation, and gape in wordless horror. Her little pig has jumped from her lap squealing, and the Duchess jumps up just as restless, her voice just as shrill and incoherent.

For a moment the show goes on, the Duchess' image wavering between clenched fists and fiery eyes and growls of unspeakable fury; and the frantic waving of hands, as she sinks to her knees, sobbing and howling into her chair, gasping underneath the tearful pain of betrayal. ]

After all I have done for you!

[ she finally chokes out with the last of her strength, and stumbles out of the frame, just before the feed goes black. For the rest of the day she will be neither seen nor heard, save for the strange echoes of an occasional sob or scream, which cannot be traced to a corporeal source. ]

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The next morning Dean Winchester's stocking, room, and his car will be filled to the brim with lumps of coal. ]

[righteously]

[What.

A.

Bitch.]

[digophelia]

Are you truly ever sincere?

[She's looked. Has no idea what to do with it, but knowing her, she'll keep it anyway.]

[pig_and_pepper]

[ Some responses to her wonderful Christmas spirit have left the Duchess wary, but this one yet brings a smile to her face. ]

That and sincerely true, and ever so glad I've brought you joy! 'Tis no moral, but an imperative to share such delightful gifts with my dearest, dearest friends.

[digophelia]

Well, I cannot say I have ever met a Brad Pitt, but I suppose there are far more destructive things. Such as your pepper.

[pig_and_pepper]

[ The Duchess clicks her tongue. ]

Pepper is only ever as destructive as you let it become! Your spirit is the spice of life, darling.