entranceway | [audio] littlest petshop

Everyone has their own spirit animal. Yours is probably pretty lame. Like a fruit fly or something. Welcome...to Wonderland.

Soooooo, I hope everyone is recovered from that most recent event. That certainly was an interesting one, wasn't it? I didn't get cursed, but I do wonder what sort of animal I would have turned into. I saw all kinds of animals these past few days! Cats, dogs, snakes, pigs...a lynx I think? It's nice to have a non-deadly event once in while. Still, I'm sure everyone's glad that it's over.

But listeners, I have some pretty serious things I want to discuss with you. Firstly--home invasions. Now, I'm sure I'm not the first person this has happened to, but a week or so ago, two people broke into my room. Terrible, right? They wrecked some of my stuff and terrorized my pets, and it was all very distressful. The thing about home invasions is that they leave you feeling really unsafe in the place you're supposed to be safest. That's why the Sheriff's Secret Police back home were so careful about it! They'd come in and rifle through your things while you were away, so you would be none the wiser. Ignorance is bliss, after all. They'd only bust your door down if you'd done something to deserve it. Like owning wheat or wheat by-products during the ban, or reading illegal books.

Well...things have changed a lot in Night Vale. And I'm noticing more and more as days go by that Wonderland is quite a lot different from Night Vale. I'll bet a lot of you think that I'm strange and creepy. I guess I just never noticed how different everything is until those guys kicked my door down. So...if I bother you that much, then...well, I'm willing to try and alleviate your concerns. I'll answer any questions you have about me or my hometown. Anything at all. I just...you know. I don't really want people attacking me because they think I'm some kind of monster or something...

[He falls silent for a moment and clears his throat, clearly still a bit put off by that whole ordeal.]

In the meantime, I've moved rooms, and I think I'm going to keep the room number a secret for now. You know, just in case. But listeners, think on this. Home invasions might not be the worst thing that's happening around here, but that's just the thing! We've had lots of murders, all kinds of thefts, attacks and assaults, and there's really no justice to be had. Heck, no one has found who has been committing those murders yet! Don't you think we should have some kind of police force, Wonderland? I'm a big fan of vigilante justice, but that just doesn't really seem to be cutting it. The Sheriff's Secret Police back home were never perfect, but at least they tried to keep us and the interests of the City Council safe.

It's something to think about, at least. Until then, I recommend you all lock your doors.

Now, the other thing I wanted to mention is the elephant seal in the room--the Jabberwocky. I know a lot of people have been talking about it, and I also know that some people have been devising plans for what to do when it reappears, but do we have anything concrete yet? Do people have jobs and roles for when it inevitably returns? Has any effort to find the sword been made? These are things we should definitely be thinking about. I think that everyone should have a plan for when the Jabberwock returns, just like people have plans for fires, floods and puppy infestations. More than just finding the sword and building a trap for it, everyone should be able to have some semblance of safety--we should be establishing safe zones, lookout points and creating some kind of stable communication network. We should be able to know when it reappears and where it is at any given time, and people who can fight should know where the weapons are, while people who don't want to fight should know where the nearest safe zone is. Things like that, you know? Because otherwise I'm pretty sure we'll all be running around like a football player with both heads cut off when it arrives.

All of this is food for thought, dear listeners. I hope I've given you something to think about. I hope you feel safe and secure in your homes. I hope the Jabberwock never appears. I hope you have a weapon at hand, a hiding place nearby, and a good lock on your door.

Good luck out there, listeners. I think we're all going to need it. Stayed tuned next for the roar of your own blood rushing through your ears. For now, though, I take you to...the weather.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, I suppose it depends on the summer camp.

Does it, though? I mean, that's kind of a harsh thing to base any summer camp on, don't you think?

Sure, but summer camp is meant to be about toughening kids up! If they can't defend themselves and use their standard-issue semi-automatic weapons properly, there can be all sorts of problems and accidents.

[...]

I'm sorry, I don't know if I heard you right or if I had something crazy stuck in my ear. Did you just say if kids can't defend themselves with semi-automatic weapons?

You didn't, right?

Yes?

Oh right, that's not a common thing.

Not a... Uh, no. NOPE. Definitely not a common thing, shouldn't be a thing at all. Children with firearms? That's nothing but incredibly dangerous!

You seriously just let kids run around with guns where you're from?

Well, here's the thing. Night Vale is already dangerous enough. Our kids probably wouldn't make it to second grade if we didn't train them how to use firearms. And bludgeoning weapons.

How...

[No, hang on, he needs a few minutes to think about this.]

What on earth is so dangerous in Night Vale that your kids need weapons?

[And why the hell does anyone live there if that's the case?]

Hmm...literally everything? Everything is dangerous. Everything.

Everything?

[Well, obviously he has to test this.]

What about... I don't know, paper? Or bread?

[Those are like, the least threatening things he can think of on the spot.]

Oh, bread. Don't even get me started on bread! That incident was about a year ago and I've finally managed to forget about the worst of the carnage. As for paper, paper is usually okay unless it's in book form.

[audio] littlest petshop

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