Chara (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fulllifeconsequences) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entranceway2016-08-11 04:51 pm
fulllifeconsequences) wrote in entranceway2016-08-11 04:51 pm
[video/text]
[Chara's outside. They have their device on the ground, propped up against a rock, so their hands are free. They're crouched down in the mud, on the shore of a pond somewhere - there's a bush of purple flowers in the background, mostly obscuring the maze of massive tree-trunks. They're out having some kind of childish adventure, presumably. Two things sit by their feet: a thermos of something-or-other and a freshly-gathered bouquet of white flowers.
They're washing that favourite old switchblade off in the water. Must have cut the flowers, not picked them. They flick it dry, click the blade shut, and pocket it. Pick up the bouquet, hold it up so their face is all but hidden by the lovely white blooms.]
Pretty, are they not? Narcissus. A member of the daffodil family. They get their name because... well, I'm not entirely familiar with the myth, actually. I know Narcissus was some guy who loved himself. He loved himself so much, he died.
[A very abridged version, and they might be wrong, but they think they've got the base details down. They shrug, smile, start to neatly divide their bouquet: a pile of flowers on this side, and they pluck all the leaves off and set them down on the other side.]
It is a tangent, Wonderland, but I wonder. Could you get me up to speed on what we know about the mirror side? Can we cross to that side if we want to? Can the mirror folk cross the barrier as they please? If not, is there someone or something in charge of the decision? I'm curious.
[Their flowers sufficiently... de-leafed... they pick up the thermos. Ginger tea, sweetened with honey. Good for queasiness. Honey makes it taste better, soothes a sore throat. They think, fleetingly, of Asgore. Because they think of Asgore, they think of Toriel. Don't... quite know how to approach the topic of Asriel. Don't want to talk about it. Don't want to think about it. Don't want to bear acknowledging they live in a world without him again. But is anyone else... checking on them?
...Couldn't hurt. Maybe. To just... maybe not about him, can't utter his name. To just... say hi.
They cut the video feed. Reach for their phone, type some texts out.]
[Private text to Asgore]
I was going to attach a picture. I've started work on a sweater - pink again, if that is okay. It's back in our room, though, and I don't think I'll be back there for a couple days.
I suppose I just wanted to let you know you'll have something to look forward to. =)
[Private text to Toriel]
I know it is unkind to gossip, but perhaps you ought to know that Sans took poorly at the end of this last event. I am aware he is a friend of yours, so I feel you should be aware. Perhaps he would feel better if someone came to check on him? Company always makes a hard time easier.
Here is a joke that the both of you might like:
Why did the pie go to the dentist? Because it needed a filling.
They're washing that favourite old switchblade off in the water. Must have cut the flowers, not picked them. They flick it dry, click the blade shut, and pocket it. Pick up the bouquet, hold it up so their face is all but hidden by the lovely white blooms.]
Pretty, are they not? Narcissus. A member of the daffodil family. They get their name because... well, I'm not entirely familiar with the myth, actually. I know Narcissus was some guy who loved himself. He loved himself so much, he died.
[A very abridged version, and they might be wrong, but they think they've got the base details down. They shrug, smile, start to neatly divide their bouquet: a pile of flowers on this side, and they pluck all the leaves off and set them down on the other side.]
It is a tangent, Wonderland, but I wonder. Could you get me up to speed on what we know about the mirror side? Can we cross to that side if we want to? Can the mirror folk cross the barrier as they please? If not, is there someone or something in charge of the decision? I'm curious.
[Their flowers sufficiently... de-leafed... they pick up the thermos. Ginger tea, sweetened with honey. Good for queasiness. Honey makes it taste better, soothes a sore throat. They think, fleetingly, of Asgore. Because they think of Asgore, they think of Toriel. Don't... quite know how to approach the topic of Asriel. Don't want to talk about it. Don't want to think about it. Don't want to bear acknowledging they live in a world without him again. But is anyone else... checking on them?
...Couldn't hurt. Maybe. To just... maybe not about him, can't utter his name. To just... say hi.
They cut the video feed. Reach for their phone, type some texts out.]
[Private text to Asgore]
I was going to attach a picture. I've started work on a sweater - pink again, if that is okay. It's back in our room, though, and I don't think I'll be back there for a couple days.
I suppose I just wanted to let you know you'll have something to look forward to. =)
[Private text to Toriel]
I know it is unkind to gossip, but perhaps you ought to know that Sans took poorly at the end of this last event. I am aware he is a friend of yours, so I feel you should be aware. Perhaps he would feel better if someone came to check on him? Company always makes a hard time easier.
Here is a joke that the both of you might like:
Why did the pie go to the dentist? Because it needed a filling.
no subject
What, do I have to choose between you two now?
[But they push ahead and think about the question, answer the question honestly. If they had their way, they'd be able to SAVE both Asriel and Chara. And most of what they know of the Prince of All Monsters is what they learned through Chara, vicariously, or through an old story told to them by the monsters in New Home.]
I didn't really know him for that long. Even here, I...I didn't always understand him. He seemed nice. Lonely, though. Sad. So...kind of like you, actually.
[The two had been more similar than Frisk might've initially assumed, but then, they'd never gotten to know either of them from before their joint deaths. Even in Wonderland, Asriel had been intent on isolating himself, on stripping all his emotional connections away, on achieving a distance from both Asriel Dreemurr and Flowey.
Just like Chara.]
no subject
Give the questions a rest, maybe. They toy with their sleeves, focus on putting one foot in front of the other.]
Not like me at all.
[So much better than they ever were.]
I'm not sad, I'm not lonely, and I'm definitely not nice.
no subject
[Though Frisk isn't judging. They've never judged for this sort of thing. Tried to stop it, yes, and bought into it in equal measure - they're two for two so far, on both counts - but they know what it is to climb the mountain, to see the drop, to let themselves fall.
They know what it is to want and need to die.]
You pretend not to be, but you are. You're nice, and smart, and funny.
no subject
[That's called being attention-seeking. Dramatic. Wallowing in self-pity. Don't be such a sadsack. You made your bed, now lay in it.]
You don't deserve to feel lonely when you chase people away.
[What would they be doing right now if they'd never heard "please don't kill me?"
What would they be doing if their impulsive ambush had reduced Sans to dust?]
And nothing I've done today is anywhere close to nice, smart, or funny. You don't have to lay it on so thick. You've already successfully induced vomiting.
no subject
[Except maybe for Wonderland's. But they think maybe they've gotten their vengeance on the place already by virtue of vomiting all over one of the nicest spots in the woods. So, you know. Take that.]
The things you do on your worst days aren't you. You're not always like that. Unless the things that I do on bad days mean the same thing for me. You know, when I'm shouting and throwing things and breaking promises and trying to kill myself.
Do those make me worthless and undeserving of love? Do those make me bad and evil?
[
Yes.]no subject
They laugh.]
Haven't we established by now that I'm not like the side characters in your little play? You can't just say things you don't believe until you find the answer that lets you win.
[They know why Frisk climbed the mountain. They know why Frisk had scissors. They know exactly what "like us" means, because both of them live with a constant, pounding reminder of it each second of each day.
They refuse to let humanity answer them with pretty things it doesn't even mean.]
Why don't you answer your own question, Frisk. Go on. Don't give me the good answer. Give me the true one.
no subject
[It's the truth, isn't it, though. They were just picking up the pieces of a calamity that tore apart the royal family so the narrative could have some kind of ending, some kind of closure.]
Everyone else seems to think I'm worthy of forgiveness. Even Sans, who told me that I should be judged for my every action. He...likes me. And he cares about you.
[Chara-bout you. Surely they haven't forgotten.]
Maybe I don't believe it myself yet. But that doesn't mean I don't try. 'Cause you deserve it, you deserve to think better things about yourself than hating it all and wanting it all to stop.
no subject
They were willing to let a leaf pass their lips, too. They're walking around with a bandaged-up hand - in fact, might be walking around with two, depending how hard Chara bit - but, you know. They're trying. They know how loved they are, they know everyone can't wait to forgive them.]
So this is what trying looks like. Interesting.
[They just look away again. Keep hugging themselves, because it maybe makes their stomach feel a little more settled.]
I don't know how many times I have to remind you I'm already dead, Frisk. I've already killed myself. Been there, done that, it's over. I've already got what I deserve. Anything here is just... a temporary respite. A trick. Start relaxing, start getting used to it, and...
[Look what happened to Asriel, right? Nothing anyone said or did here matters anymore. He's back to being a flower, all alone, without any memory of any of it.]
Nothing here could actually SAVE Asriel, not in the way you hoped for. None of it will SAVE us.
no subject
[Frisk hesitates, swallows, looks away. Lowers their voice completely unnecessarily, because they doubt anyone's going to try to eavesdrop on a pair of children.]
I think if anyone here finds a way home, and they all go, I...I would rather stay. With you. Here. Or, or anywhere, we could go anywhere, as long as you were still with me, like this. If you were...okay with that? I mean.
[They take a deep breath, try to spill everything out in a more orderly fashion that clipped words cascading down in an unruly scatter.]
Because I - I can't go back, can I? I mean, I could, but then I'd forget this, and forget you, and I'd be - I'd just be a threat to them, their happy ending, the happiness they deserve. And I don't - want that. I'd rather stay with you. I'd...
[* I want to stay with you.]
no subject
They've felt for a long time that they don't want to go back to their world. Their world doesn't want them. They've held onto every "you're not welcome," every "you're standing in the way of everyone's hopes and dreams," every "let them go." Always told Frisk they'd rather just be someone who was their friend for a little while than the force that clings like a ball and chain for their entire life, just waiting to make sure the end isn't really the end.
But the idea that Frisk would... would want to stay with them?]
Alphys, Undyne. Sans, Papyrus. Mettaton. Toriel, Asgore. Asriel.
You'd never see any of them ever again. All those people who like you, believe in you, can't wait to forgive you... they'd have to spend the rest of their lives without you.
[Someone they could call "Mom." Friends. People who always called them the right name and used the right pronouns and would probably stop raising a hand against them now that their SOUL didn't matter anymore. The ending Frisk had really wanted. And they'd just... set all of that aside? Toss it out?]
* Take care of Mom and Dad for me, okay?
[What about that?
Another promise broken, just as broken as "let Frisk be happy" and "let them live their life?"]
no subject
[Because as long as they're there...
The idea has seeded into their mind and now they're not sure they could ever relinquish it. If there were a way to erase themselves from the story entirely, not just death, not just deletion, but an absolute systematic purging of the very concept of Frisk, so there's nothing for people to miss. Nothing for people to be afraid for. Nothing for people to be afraid of.
Sans told them of someone who succeeded.
A man who got lost in space and time.]
As long as I'm there, I'm always going to be...there. I might not ever be able to die, Chara, I - there's never a choice. One thought, and I undo everything. One thought, and they...stop having their happy ending. Don't they deserve to rest?
How will they ever do that if I'm there?
no subject
[They... they laugh. A breathless, bewildered little rush of air. The story writing itself without Frisk? A world where everything's exactly the same, except they don't exist...?]
Wonderland's... evidence, right? If we're separated, then we don't have enough determination to Reset. You're not the one who's a threat to that ending. You're not the one Asriel begs to stay away. If I've gone to rest, or - or whatever you'd hoped I'd done back then... you'll be free, too. Won't you?
[An anomaly no more, an amalgamate no more. No memory of encouraging words, of having to stay determined, so no... surely, without that, there'd be no getting dragged back without a say in the matter?]
If you're not in the story... if it's not you... then neither am I. It took someone like me to wake me up. A red SOUL.
[Someone who climbed the mountain for an unhappy reason, someone who'd been kicked by humanity far too many times. Someone willing to throw their sense of self away, because they didn't like who "myself" was, and nobody else did, either.]
Write yourself out, and I won't exist at all, will I? You'll have scribbled me out as well. I'll just be a lump of rotten flesh sitting in the dirt somewhere.
...Which, I guess, isn't that big a jump from what I'm doing with my time here, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
no subject
If you'd rather I did go back so we could live there, we can, I just - don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose this. You're my best friend. I want you to have a second chance.
[Their Papyrus, their Asriel, whatever metaphor for the thing that they cling to like a lifeline to infuse their life with some kind of meaning, some kind of reason to continue.]
We don't even know if we can really separate, in that ending. If you can go and fade without me fading too. I don't...I've never lived that long on the surface. I don't remember living that long.
It'd just...I'd be okay with it. If we stayed here. Or anywhere that wasn't home, went off into some other person's world, if we could just be together. I'd be okay with it.
no subject
[They could understand throwing everything away for Asriel.
...In a kinder, purer sense than the way they threw everything away for Asriel.
They'd be willing to throw everything away for Frisk, too. Somehow, "let Frisk be happy" ended up something they wish for, too, desperately and ravenously. But they just can't see anything about themselves that would ever deserve a second chance. That would leave an empty place behind if it left. That would really, truly mark them as "wanted," beyond doubt.
It'll only hurt if they believe it. If they attach. If they get their hopes up. It'll only be a matter of time until Frisk doesn't like this plan anymore, and it's too late for Chara to keep marching in any direction except straight into hell.
But... they want to stay with Frisk, too.]
Is that really what you want? You're absolutely sure? You know what... what it means? You might have to say goodbye to other friends you've made. You might not be able to go home, even if you change your mind. You might end up somewhere you don't like as much as you liked our world, or you might get sick of Wonderland's events, or...
I'm not going back. Even if it means we say goodbye. The world doesn't want me back. You understand that, right?
no subject
I was in their lives for a day. They won't have to worry about me. Most of them won't even remember knowing me all that well.
[Their expression trembles, something awful streaking across it, low and pained. Having to say goodbye to everyone. To Alphys, to Sans, to Mettaton, to Asgore, to Papyrus, to Toriel - to everyone they've come to love and appreciate even more now that they're here. And Toriel had just started to warm to them, Sans just starting to accept that they count as family...
The ache of longing is still there, reverberating in their SOUL. They could have a family on the surface. A family of their own.
But Asriel deserved happiness too, and he never gets it. Not once. He always has to be the sacrificial lamb for everyone else's story. There's a poetry to it, to the choice here. Frisk taking that step away from the temptation of that gold-tinted ending, damning their SOUL to a world that isn't home, like Chara did, like Asriel, like any one of the nameless fallen children that tried and failed to make it back out.
It is what they deserve.]
* It's not you.
* It's not me.
[It's something they've never gotten to say. Never allowed? Or did neither of them realize, allow it to happen, that bright, clear sound of two forces opposed aligning in perfect synchronicity.]
* It's us.
no subject
They don't understand any of this well enough to act like an authority, to declare it right or wrong. Something they should encourage or shout down. It's absurd, but they... they wish something would give them guidance. Tell them if this road is just as dangerous as the one they chose when they were alive.
It's not how the ending is supposed to be. It's not the neatly-wrapped happily ever after it was supposed to build up to. But Chara... knows they've spoken out against Frisk's idea that Asriel wasn't SAVED enough. They don't agree with the way he ended up, isolated and hidden, but they... it was what he chose for himself. Isn't that worth something? So, if this is what Frisk is chosing...
But maybe that's just selfishness. Trying to rationalize it, when really it amounts to an inability to let Frisk go. Not wanting to say goodbye. Not leaving them in the hands of a world that might not heard them like Chara can, understand them like Chara can, might not fight for them like Chara will. Maybe they just... can't function without Frisk either. Aren't quite tough enough to not care about someone who keeps insisting there's something worthwhile about them.
There's no getting around it. It's not just that their own world doesn't want them. It's that what they have in this world means so much more. It's not wanting to forget that they can be... that they're not just a parasite latching onto a host, that they're...]
* It's us.
[Despite everything? Because of everything. They find one more smile in themselves, though it's a muted, subdued one.]
If that's your decision, then... I'll follow you, Orpheus. Whether you keep your promises or not.
no subject
Okay. I'm not gonna leave. Not without you. Not unless you want.
[That wouldn't account for Wonderland pulling them away, but - no. They can't think that. They won't. They will not allow that to happen.]
I won't let this place take me away. It can't.
no subject
There's always a way to use a world's rules against it. Turn the tables on a partner with godlike immunity to consequence. Push "kill or be killed" to its extreme. Twist something that should be a loss until it's actually an advantage.
But they know better than that. Frisk can't always keep a secret. Frisk likes to do things For Chara's Own Good. For everyone's good.
So they keep their plans to themself. Just keep smiling.]
Because the rules don't apply to you like they apply to everyone else?
It's an empty promise. One you probably won't keep. But... god, I hope you do.
[I can't do this twice, they murmur, every last thread pulled so taut they begin to snap one by one. They try to consider Frisk vanishing too, their SOUL cracking the moment Chara dares to let them go, only this time there's no coming back ever, no Reset, no LOAD, no memories coming flooding back, and they bite the inside of their cheek to chase that unthinkable concept away.]
I don't think I could lose you even once.
no subject
They've got that in common.]
I don't ever wanna lose you or, or make you lose me. And you know us. We're...determined, huh? World's rules always make exceptions for us.
[The human SOUL is a powerful thing. Maybe not so unique here, but...well, holding onto hopes is something Frisk excels at. The world makes concessions for determination. That's how it's been. Maybe it can continue to be like that.]
Hold on here for as long as I can. Or if I can't, then...find someone else's world to go back to. A world where we can actually be together. In space, or Gravity Falls - I don't care.
no subject
[Live like runaways. The exciting, romantic idea of runaways, not the reality where you loiter in a Denny's or huddle behind a dumpster or under a bridge trying to pretend a package of Twinkies is enough to make you feel full. The kind where you ride trains and have adventures and live in a forest sometimes.]
No such thing as custody or law, or... or fate. Just us. We could go anywhere. Everywhere. Eat what we want, sleep when we want. We could be like Chihiro, only we never have to go back to the real world.
Bet Sans'd be super jealous if he heard we were gonna go live in space, huh?
[They know they're being fake. That's not how it works in the real world, kiddo. Life's harsher than that. But it's... it's a comforting fantasy. The kind of fantasy that they wove when they hid under the bed trying to bury themselves in a book. The feeling of not belonging anywhere, and therefore being utterly free. Escaping so utterly from the things that trap you that they can never sink their claws into you again.]
no subject
None of them have to know. I think if they did they'd try to stop us. So, we can just...when it happens. We've never been above consequences, but we've - always been above fate, huh?
[They stop outside their room. Room 12. How many times have they departed, taken their impromptu leave, come barrelling back? How many times has this room been empty, whether by choice or crisis or both?
They're sure they don't want to know.
They open the door, and it's just like it's always been.]
You can use the bathroom first, if you want.
no subject
No, that doesn't make sense. They're not the one who hesitates. They know plans have to be secrets sometimes. Nobody will feel like they've failed if a child just happens to get sick. Nobody will angry at Asriel if they just think he's honoring his best friend's dying wish, not setting out to reap SOULs. You can't expect people to understand. Nobody will understand you.
But it seems... well, no. Never mind. The consequences of vanishing abruptly from everyone's lives are none of their business. They were already gone. Chara scribbles the thought out. They still like this plan.]
Thanks, I guess.
[Chara staunchly looks at nothing more than the bit of floor directly in front of them. For how long it's really been, the room still... it doesn't look like Room 12 On Floor Two In Wonderland. It looks like New Home. His bed, my bed, our clothes. The additions of mirrors and windowsills and bathrooms, the subtraction of photographs and drawings of flowers... they still aren't enough to make it somewhere totally new, divorced from nostalgia.
Which is... stupid, huh? Asriel never even set foot in this room, this time.
Or maybe it's not stupid at all. Maybe it's a good sign if this doesn't feel like a... like New New Home or something. Maybe it's better to remember that this is a temporary setup.
They try not to think about it as they shuffle wearily into the room, head off to clean themselves up.]