[Video]

[son_of_a_taint]

[The video opens with a pitched cackle. The man on screen wipes a tear away from his eye and shakes his head, sighing contentedly as he comes down from the fit.]

Ohhhhh-okay, okay. Okay. People of--is this, is this really what we're going with right now? Wonderland? What pretentious dickwad came up with that one? [There's another short bark of laughter then he clears his throat.] Wh-oookay. Ahhh, this is just--just beautiful! God, and here I thought things just couldn't get better.

[There's a pause in which he composes himself, runs a hand back through his hair, and fixes the video with a slightly less hysterical visage.]

So, right, I did the reading and the whole shtick. Oh no, where am I, I'm so confused and lost. Wah, wah, I don't like change. What am I gonna do with myself? Here, let me confide in the local ECHOnet, seeking solace from my equals. Yeah, that crap just ain't me, kiddos. So uh, I'm Jack. If any of you assholes knows me, pipe up, because I'm gonna need a basic rundown of the whole dealio as far as who's here. And I swear on my mother's grave--the devil condemn her soul in eternal torment--if I see or hear one CL4P-TP unit, I will set it on fire. I'm not even kidding right now. You have been warned. I don't need that crap here, too.

So yeah. Really, just uh, sayin' hi. Oh, and in case you didn't really catch it, I was making fun of the ostentatious name of the place. Yep. That about wraps up this video. Later, losers.

Comments

audio

[son_of_a_taint]

I uh...? guess??? I mean, if that makes you a "past guy" then I guess I'm a "future guy" by default.

Maybe I should market ECHO devices for you people. A courtesy so I never have to deal with typing on this thing. I didn't even think it had a feature for text until like, just now. Huh.

text

[rosswood]

might wanna be careful
some people here have only just now heard of this magical thing called electricity
we get all sorts here

Audio

[son_of_a_taint]

They'll get over it. [#Compassionless.] Heh, yeah, I can see that already. Well, fortunately, you ended up with me here. I'm a bona-fide hero, baby! Helping you sorry sons of bitches is what I do.

text

[rosswood]

[Huh. All right. Alex can't help but pick up what this guy's putting down.]

word of warning
most people here are dicks
huge freaking dicks

text

[son_of_a_taint]

Huge freaking surprise. But hey, thanks for the warning, cupcake. I appreciate the thought behind it. Y'know, not many people would just throw that out there like that. Good on you.

But, out of idle curiosity, are we talking like, dick-dicks or bandit-scum-dicks?

text

[rosswood]

both
some of em will kill you
some will just irritate the piss out of you
but anyone who dies here just comes back so

Re: text

[son_of_a_taint]

Huh. Sounds just like home. I can't tell you how much money we pull in from those idiot Vault Hunters using our New-U station. Not a single one of them has their original body. Yeah, they're all digital clones of the original, which died already. It's friggen hilarious!

Yeah, not worried about then trying to kill me. The entire friggen Dhal military's trying to kill me for some reason. So they can expect a bullet to the brain.

[rosswood]

you had a respawn machine back home????
holy shit
that's kind of awesome

dont think we have a military here
which is nice

[son_of_a_taint]

Yes, I did. And yes, it is.

I'lllll have to agree with you on that one. But if that crazy chick and her gang of trigger-happy morons shows up, we might wish we had one. Or something.

[rosswood]

well how's this
i'll keep an eye out just for you pumpkin
who's this crazy chick

[son_of_a_taint]

Oh-hoho. You're cute. Sure, why not. Thanks a million, kitten.

Some colonel. Uhhh, Zarpedon? I dunno. She heads the Dahl military. She's trying to kill me and wipe out the moon, but I'm pretty sure I don't even know her, so not sure what I did to piss her off? Then again, I guess the bad guys don't need a reason to shoot at me. It's whatever.

[rosswood]

alright not hard to miss a name like zarpedon.
sounds like a pain but she might not ever show up
this place jerks you around like that

[son_of_a_taint]

Not hard to miss any of her, actually. She's got this... glowy shit all over her... everything. Purple eyes, lots of glowy veins around them and up her arms. It's probably some kind of poisoning from the Vault? Or... I dunno. It's weird. She does a lot of righteous villainy yelling. Like, she thinks she's doing good, but her motives are just waaaaaaaaaay messed up.

Hey, if we're lucky, she won't. If we're lucky, nothing from my place will show up here. It's all kinda deadly.

[rosswood]

seriously
well i should let you know
this place likes to have little "events"
where it borrows stuff from our homes

yeah we have fun

[son_of_a_taint]

Oyyy... [Face in hand because, shit.] Great. That's just. Why?

I don't...

That's just the friggen cherry on top! So, the list of things that can kill you here just multiplied by a hundred. From bandits to Skags to Kraggons. Have you even seen a Rakk Hive? It's like... well, it's disgusting and massive. Lots of murder. A huge pile of murder.

And Vault Monsters? Yeesh. This is gonna be a mess.

By the way, uh, yeah, I read that in the brochure. But it still sucks.

[#DramaQueen]

[rosswood]

jesus your world sounds fucking awful
your telling me
not too long ago we had zombies
legit fucking zombies

(Ack. Oops.)

[son_of_a_taint]

That's just the tip of the ice berg, baby!

I heard about that mess. No thank you! There's a zombie mess in Jakob's Cove, or so I hear. So that's a thing that could happen again, too.

Pandora's a death trap. If it breathes, it will probably try to kill you. But hey, that's where the New-U stations come in handy if you can afford them.

i saw nothign

[rosswood]

so not your typical vacation spot
noted
why the hell do people even live there
why were you there

[son_of_a_taint]

Okay, to be fair, I was on Helios. The uh... artificial satellite between Pandora and the moon. I was supposed to be observing Pandora. But, some people are there to find the Vault. Mercenary work. Bounties and shit. But I... have uh... I have family there.

[If you can call that crazy bitch "family".]

[rosswood]

a job's a job
if its lucrative i guess almost anythings worth the risk

[son_of_a_taint]

Yeah, that's the spirit! Now you're thinking like a bandit. I should... really not be complimenting you on that. Huh. But okay, yeah. So, what uh, what do I call you, anyway?

[Look at that, Alex. You've earned "someone I'm not currently in the mood to kill so you deserve a name" status. Good on you!]

[rosswood]

alex
only been here a few months but cripes it feels like a year

[son_of_a_taint]

Good to meet ya. I may totally ask you for help later, if you're cool with that? Months of experience is still better than the, oh, what has it been like, half an hour I have?

[rosswood]

shouldn't be a problem
there's a brochure but it's pretty shit

[son_of_a_taint]

That's what I like to hear! I think you and me are gonna be good friends, kitten. [Honestly, why did he bother to ask your name? It's not likely he'll use it. Ever.]

Yeah, I glanced over that shit. Alternate dimensions, events, timelines, closets, and mirrors. It gives you the basics, but this is different somehow, ya know? You've had live experience. I can ask the brochure as many questions as I want and it's not gonna answer them. This--person to person interaction--it's unique. Better.