[Video]

[son_of_a_taint]

[The video opens with a pitched cackle. The man on screen wipes a tear away from his eye and shakes his head, sighing contentedly as he comes down from the fit.]

Ohhhhh-okay, okay. Okay. People of--is this, is this really what we're going with right now? Wonderland? What pretentious dickwad came up with that one? [There's another short bark of laughter then he clears his throat.] Wh-oookay. Ahhh, this is just--just beautiful! God, and here I thought things just couldn't get better.

[There's a pause in which he composes himself, runs a hand back through his hair, and fixes the video with a slightly less hysterical visage.]

So, right, I did the reading and the whole shtick. Oh no, where am I, I'm so confused and lost. Wah, wah, I don't like change. What am I gonna do with myself? Here, let me confide in the local ECHOnet, seeking solace from my equals. Yeah, that crap just ain't me, kiddos. So uh, I'm Jack. If any of you assholes knows me, pipe up, because I'm gonna need a basic rundown of the whole dealio as far as who's here. And I swear on my mother's grave--the devil condemn her soul in eternal torment--if I see or hear one CL4P-TP unit, I will set it on fire. I'm not even kidding right now. You have been warned. I don't need that crap here, too.

So yeah. Really, just uh, sayin' hi. Oh, and in case you didn't really catch it, I was making fun of the ostentatious name of the place. Yep. That about wraps up this video. Later, losers.

Comments

text

[rosswood]

wow you catch on quick
you forgot the existential questioning and screaming to someone's deities or whatever
but that was pretty spot on

audio

[son_of_a_taint]

Yeah, I'm--I'm not texting you, buttercup. You're gonna have to listen to the sound of my amazing voice while I read yours. Hope that's cool. If not, too bad.

Ohhh, yeah, I knew I was forgetting something! Can't forget the bitching and moaning about Oh, Whatever-Bandit-God-I-Worship, why have you forsaken me! How could you let this haaaaaaappen? Ehh? Nailed it.

text

[rosswood]

yeah you pretty much hit all the bases
i'd answer on voice but i'm guessing you don't like the sound of static screaming in your ear

audio

[son_of_a_taint]

Oh, no. I'm pretty used to that. If you've ever met a Claptrap unit, you'd know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky.

You got a glitch in your ECHO device, or just really bad with tech? If you're a hottie, maybe I'll stop by and see if I can't repair it. If you're a nottie, eeeeh, I could still be persuaded.

video

[1908]

[ well. that's an introduction, ]

There's a brochure that's quite useful, if you're interested.

Yes, I'm aware that's as cliche as it sounds.

Re: video

[son_of_a_taint]

Been there, read that. What uh, I think it was lacking, was the part where it tells me how to contact who's in charge so I can pay off the head dickcheese to let me out of this little bubble and then burn everything they ever loved so they'll think twice about doing this to anyone again.

[video]

[wriggedywrecked]

You left out the whole, "h-holy shit, other dimensions exist, wh-what the fuuuuuuuck!" part, too.

Re: [video]

[son_of_a_taint]

Riiiiight. Yeah, that one probably short-circuits quite a few of these assholes. Someone--someone really needs to [he's laughing again.] like, set up a camera or something, yaknow? Capture people's reactions to this shit when they read the brochure. Watching some of these morons go all duuuuh at it would be friggen hilarious.

[video]

[wriggedywrecked]

[Holy shit this guy Gets It.] Shit yeah, like, like one of those dumb fuckass shows w-where some douchebag jumps out from b-behind a bush to be like "haha we were recording your moments of misery and c-confusion for posterity."

Seriously, how do you, how is it so hard to wrap your head around the, the, the idea of alternate universes like, come on. Fuck.

Re: [video]

[son_of_a_taint]

The problem is, they're dumbasses with fewer brain cells than teeth in their heads. It's tragic, to be perfectly honest. But hey, yeah, they do provide for some killer entertainment.

[video]

[punful]

well now i gotta ask what a cl4p-tp unit is.

Re: [video]

[son_of_a_taint]

CL4P-TP, AKA: Claptrap. It's this... ugh! It's just really friggen annoying! It's a Hyperion brand robot and I swear when I'm sitting in the big chair, I'm wiping every last one of them out. Their annoying little voices and their whiny uselessness...

[Yeah, he's miming choking someone with his hands, despite the fact that Claptraps don't have necks. Or breathe.]

...what the hell are you, even? [Delayed reaction.] A-a weird little... yeah, I can't even come up with anything.

[video]

[punful]

oh, huh. yeah, i know a pretty annoying robot myself, though he's not all bad.

[Mettaton has some redeeming qualities.]

[His perpetual grin widens. He loves this part.] the word you're looking for is "skeleton."

[Also "little" excuse you sir.]

[video]

[son_of_a_taint]

Um. No. The word I'm looking for is "what". How are you even...? I mean, you're dead, right? Is this some kind of immortality backfire? Because wow. That must reeeaaally suck.

[He focuses on the important things.]

video;

[nascensibility]

[Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Where does she even start with this apparent walking catastrophe.

Evelyn has known human disasters with egos roughly the size of a dwarf white star, but this well-coiffed gentleman appears to present as a gas giant.]

My God, you do love the sound of your own voice.

video;

[son_of_a_taint]

And not really loving the sound of yours right now when it says those words in that judgey tone. What's your point, pumpkin? You gotta have one, right? Or are you just all looks and no point?

[Crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at you, yes, now he's the one judging. Take that, hot chick.]

video;

[nascensibility]

[Much judgement. Wow. Speaking of a lack of point-]

You're the one who was waxing poetic with threats just to introduce yourself when a simple "hello, I'm Jack" would have sufficed.

[Accustomed to the manner and speech of men with very high opinions of themselves, she tries not to look too amused.]

And it's Evelyn. Not "pumpkin."

[Although she's heard worse nicknames.]

video;

[son_of_a_taint]

Threats? Nah, just one threat. And it's more of a promise, really. If you met that guy, you'd set him in fire too. Seeing as you aren't running to find your blowtorch, I'm guessing you haven't met him--it--that asshole. And see, "Hello, I'm Jack" just doesn't work for me, sweetheart. Doesn't leave an impression. You gotta say, you'll remember me at this point now, won't you? Eh? [Eyebrow waggle] Ehhh? You'll remember me.

Evelyn. Interesting name. It's cute.

video

[brainleak]

[River leans into the camera, expression curious.]

No Claptraps. No one at all. Alone in a crowd.

Re: video

[son_of_a_taint]

Alone in a--what is that even supposed to mean?

[He squints at her image on the ECHO unit. Right now, he thinks she might be just as deranged as a psycho. Then again, her answer about Claptraps was pretty definitive. That was more than he'd get out of any baby-eating freak...]

video

[brainleak]

[She smirks.]

She's a psycho. Babbles and writhes. Liable to bite her own tongue off.

[Jokes aside...]

Means you're alone. You'll see faces and none will see yours.

video

[son_of_a_taint]

Okay, listen. I don't know who you are, but--

[Aaand he then realises he didn't call her a psycho out loud. That's just freaky.]

--let's not with the tongue biting, okay? I'm alone. No one here knows me, is that what you're getting at?

text;

[beatupgrass]

i mean it really is a pretty shitty name.

Audio

[son_of_a_taint]

Yeah, I don't text. Audio-video was invented for a reason. If I wanted to type, I'd... I don't. So, it doesn't matter. But you keep on typing, kitten.

Totally. It just kinda screams "Hey, I'm a total douchebag and felt like being ironic, because any place named Wonderland is usually Hell on wheels." I mean, seriously.

audio

[beatupgrass]

[well fine if you insist, mr. sarcastic-pants.]

I always forget to turn that voice-to-text shit off. Better?

[ahem. anyway.] I never been in a prison that decided to go in for irony, and I ain't too keen this one breakin' the mold.