entranceway | [Video]

[The video opens with a pitched cackle. The man on screen wipes a tear away from his eye and shakes his head, sighing contentedly as he comes down from the fit.]

Ohhhhh-okay, okay. Okay. People of--is this, is this really what we're going with right now? Wonderland? What pretentious dickwad came up with that one? [There's another short bark of laughter then he clears his throat.] Wh-oookay. Ahhh, this is just--just beautiful! God, and here I thought things just couldn't get better.

[There's a pause in which he composes himself, runs a hand back through his hair, and fixes the video with a slightly less hysterical visage.]

So, right, I did the reading and the whole shtick. Oh no, where am I, I'm so confused and lost. Wah, wah, I don't like change. What am I gonna do with myself? Here, let me confide in the local ECHOnet, seeking solace from my equals. Yeah, that crap just ain't me, kiddos. So uh, I'm Jack. If any of you assholes knows me, pipe up, because I'm gonna need a basic rundown of the whole dealio as far as who's here. And I swear on my mother's grave--the devil condemn her soul in eternal torment--if I see or hear one CL4P-TP unit, I will set it on fire. I'm not even kidding right now. You have been warned. I don't need that crap here, too.

So yeah. Really, just uh, sayin' hi. Oh, and in case you didn't really catch it, I was making fun of the ostentatious name of the place. Yep. That about wraps up this video. Later, losers.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah, I mean, y-you can only watch so many episodes of Duck Dynasty before y-you kinda want to drop a neutron bomb on the entire human race.

Duck what? I don't even know what that is and I wanna drop a bomb on it. People watch that willingly or at gun point?

Okay, so do, do you have ducks in your world? They're these birds, right. Like these water birds, and people really fucking like sh-shooting them, like for, for eating I guess, I dunno? I mean, you gotta get Peking Duck from somewhere. Anyway some fuckers way back when decided hey, l-l-let's make it way easier to, to kill these dumb birds and, and trick them into thinking everything is fine by making this goddamn--it's like a fucking kazoo and it makes a duck noise. So these dumbass birds are like--haha fuck yeah everything's fine no one's gonna shoot me today hell yeah life's great for a duck.

Anyway I guess the dumbfucks who invented the stupid thing made a shitton of money, and now the, the bearded hillbilly a-a-ancestors just, just fuck around in the woods being rich and also stupid and they just, I dunno, it's one of those things where you watch it and you're like "these fuckers are so stupid but so fucking entertaining."

I mean, give me How It's Made: Intergalactic Edition any day, but yeah.

So, about half of that made sense to me, but I'm like 99% sure I get your point. A bunch of idiots got lucky and their kids are even bigger idiots, but wealthy so they don't give a shit, and you watch them for the fact that they're idiots. Yeah, I get that. We have something similar on Pandora, we call them Vault Hunters, and they're about as dumb as they come, if we're being honest. But instead of shooting water birds, they're shooting other bad guys, so it's a win-win.

I get and can respect watching idiots be idiots for the sake of entertainment, even if you come away from the whole thing feeling like you've just lost a few braincells. Fortunately, guys like us have plenty to spare, unlike the dumbasses we're watching.

Yeah that's about the uh, the long and short of it right there. Dumb rich people being dumb, s-stick a camera on them and watch them go. And hey, I can, I can totally get behind reality TV that involves actual death, they don't have that yet on Earth.

Ha, fuck, I could literally, I could lose three brains worth of cells and I'd still be smarter than the rest of the damn galaxy, fuck.

Wow, that's kinda boring. What's the point, then? Sheesh, I think they call those kiddy bedtime stories. Eh, who am I kidding, bedtime stories on Pandora are just as messed up as life on Pandora. [A shrug.]

I hear ya, pal. God, the people I work with are just so dumb. It's pretty damn refreshing to know I'm not the only intelligent mind in the galaxy. Or, that there's at least a universe with another intelligent mind.

Yeah, Earth's got, uh, got a lot of moral shit and all, for all that it's a freaking cesspool. I mean, you got the usual warcrimes and genocides and all but uh, guess killing people on live TV is a no-go? Wh-Whatever.

Ha, yeah, thing about being a Rick is, is you always know you're the smartest in the room. And th-the whole galaxy. At least there's, uh, there's a handful of assholes here who aren't complete idiots, so there's that at least.

Hypocrisy. They call it hypocrisy. Idiots. Someone should point that out, you know? Not that it'll probably do ya much good, but it might give them something to think about with their tiny brains.

Huh. Maybe this place doesn't pick people at random. Maybe it's saving them from the idiocy around them. [Or, probably not. But still.]

I mean, I'm not a huge fan of hyperviolence, but whatever, it's just, why is that where you draw the line?

Hah, well, actually, y-you might have a point. About it, uh, not being random. I mean, it's, it's kinda convenient that people come here from the same worlds at all, like, you have infinite people in infinite universes and yet you just, you manage to grab people from the same time and place? Just seems, just seems reeeeeal convenient.

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