~1~

[felineavenger]

What an absolutely delectable distraction!

[A frightening feline visage graces the viewer. While it registers more or less as a cat in shape and size, there is something particularly off about it. The eyes are too big, and the mouth gapes, full of crowded teeth pointing in all directions. It’s visibly smiling, which is something a normal cat shouldn’t be able to do. Maybe this is what cats look like in nightmares?]

Such an array of colours and textures! I find myself mourning my poor ability to see all the different shades, but oh, the sensations underneath my toes! The feeling of raking my claws over the various chairs and couches in this lovely building is nothing less than sublime.

I’ve been missing out my entire life, only able to sharpen them against the cold metal of Zone 0. It makes a most unpleasant sound, but one must endure. Hygiene is very important, children.

And they have even made me a little present. While I would prefer some fresh quarry to chase, or perhaps something to open those vexing little tins with, this device is more than satisfactory. It is made just for the charming, rounded shape of my paws.

[It kneads them against the screen, purring in a satisfied manner.]

Tell me, my well-kept inmates, what is the purpose of our prison? I was thoroughly convinced that my world had been reduced to nothingness, as my wanderings proved fruitless, and yet I am here, vibrant and alive! The puppeteers have made quite the tangle of strings here, but it does not bother me any more than any other ball of yarn, which we cats are so expert at unraveling.

I implore you to tell me all you know. I am very, very curious.

[OOC: Before playing with The Judge, please check out his permissions post! He has a particular fourth-wall breaking power that you need to know about before engaging with him.]

Comments

[circlejerked]

_{[It's like if a deepstalker and a cat met and had a baby.]}

The Judge of what?

_{[He still likes Snagglepuss, alas...]}

Anders. The... mage? A mage. I don't have a snazzy title, I'm afraid. I went by The Apostate once, but it didn't stick.

<sub>[For reasons that had everything to do with it being a part of an event with a forced naming scheme. His first event, actually. Hard to believe it's been so long, and now everything's come full circle and he's looking at a talking cat on its (presumably) first day.

Only in Wonderland.]</sub>

[felineavenger]

Judgement is simply a function of mine. A mission that has been completed. But I have grown fond of the title-- I think it is a suitable name.

And what of your title, Apostate? What god have you turned your back on?

[circlejerked]

Judgement of what, if you don't mind my curiosity? The softness of blankets? How good different brands of cat food tastes? Human souls?

<sub>[Since their resident Satan is retired from the soul business, there might be a job opening for that third one. Some kind of talking demi-god cat who can shoot laser beams from its eyes and judges the worth of humanity would be about par for the course...

Anders, on the other hand, is quite far removed from the god business and he shakes his head.]</sub>

Not the big man, just the institution. _{[But very nice of you to ask, Mr. Talking Cat. A smile breaks free, half disbelief, half delight.]} Excuse my manners, but--I just have to stop a moment and say that having a conversation with an actual cat with actual complete sentences is something I never thought I'd be doing.

_{[And it's kind of awesome. Being a fan of anything vaguely cat-shaped is enough to forgive the more alien aspects of the Judge's appearance.]}

[felineavenger]

I judged a holy crusader. A savior on the wrong path. One that I corrected; too little, too late.

[His ears fall for a moment. This obviously upsets him-- but Anders has an infectious good humor about him, and the depression does not last long.]

But I do have good taste as well. I can discern the best blankets and cuts of meat if you desire such advice.

Your manners are perfectly fine. While I am no oddity in my own world, I understand that talking animals are hard to come by here. Which is a shame, because most of us have a lot to say.

[Especially the Judge. One would think he loves the sound of his own voice.]

[circlejerked]

_{[Oh no, don't be sad, weird kitty. You'll make Anders want to pick you up even more.]}

A savior on the wrong path? _{[He cocks an eyebrow.]} A pity they didn't listen. Never met a cat that gave bad advice, the Cheshire variety notwithstanding. Not sure it counts if they all they do is riddle at you.

_{[... Not sure it counts if all the others cats Anders has met have just meowed, either, but generally speaking the meowing has led to some fairly reasonable life advice, like "forget your problems and pet me" and "look out for that spirit I'm staring unblinkingly at in the corner of your room."]}

Can you understand what the non-talking variety of cats are saying, too? I've always wondered what mine have to say.

[felineavenger]

I am fond of the occasional riddle, but I realize that withholding straight answers for too long can become grating on ones nerves.

Of course! I am fluent in the language cats use, both vocally and of the bodily variety. Are you in need of translation services?

[circlejerked]

I'll be glad if you plan on breaking the mold.

_{[Anders eyebrows reach for the ceiling, having been mostly joking about being fluent in cat language. Now that it's out there, though, the possibilities take his full attention, pushing his other questions out of his mind.]}

For real? You can tell me what cats are thinking? You bet I'm in need.

[felineavenger]

If you'd like, I can meet this cat sometime-- I'm assuming they are you pet-- but for now I am otherwise preoccupied with gaining my bearings in this strange new land.

[circlejerked]

_{[A broad smile. His teeth are straight and white for the most part; bad dentistry isn't what might strike terror into the Judge's heart so much as the risk of having his ear talked off. It's a brave soul who gets Anders on the topic of his past and present pet cats.]}

I have two at the moment! They outnumber me, so I may be more their pet than mine, truth be told. I can sense we're going to be great friends.

<sub>[He's not leaping out of his seat just yet to lure the Judge out with a bowl of milk and lie in wait with a butterfly net in hand, but that still may or may not have sounded a little ominous...

But you bet if it's between the mansion's talking bird and talking cat, Anders is Team Cat all the way.]</sub>

If you get hungry in your travels, I can put out some food. Looking around this place must take twice as long for something of your size.

[felineavenger]

[Have you seen the Judge's face? His teeth-to-mouth ratio is almost hilariously wrong. He'd never be bothered by a crooked tooth or two.]

That's wonderfully kind of you. Can you operate the can-opener? I absolutely adore the little tins of meat that turn over so nicely on a dainty white plate.

[circlejerked]

_{[oh my gOD, he's going to get to feed the talking snagglepuss. Anders in his soul: o(^▽^)o]}

Can I operate a can opener!

_{[Repeated with scoffing good humor. Of course he can! Now that he... actually knows what fancy modern can openers are.]}

What kind do you like? I can't believe I can ask that.