002 ↯ video

[circlejerked]

Um. All right, no one panic, but I may have underestimated these magic closets of ours and accidentally... done something.

<sub>[Anders' voice, sounding contrite. In the background, an unremitting stream of noise threatens to drown him out--it's meowing, rising and falling at different pitches like a tone-deaf a cappella group trying to harmonize and failing miserably.

The camera settles unsteadily on the hem of his robes before he sets it down and steps back. The source of the caterwauling then becomes apparent: in his arms are four young cats of various shapes and color, two tucked under each arm.

By the sounds of it, more are audible off-screen. Many, many more.]</sub>

I wasn't thinking... Well, I was, I was thinking how much more homey this place would be with a cute cat or two, and then--and then they were just there, and everywhere, and now there are a few more than two. If you have cat allergies, stay off the fourth floor.

_{[As if on cue, a kitten on stubby legs capers across the floor behind him. Anders, noticing movement on the screen, squints closely for a second, then looks for the real thing over his shoulder.]}

One's making a run for it. Alistair! Alistair, catch it, my hands are full.

_{[From somewhere off among the caterwauling comes a response, the owner appearing shortly after--]}

I see it!

_{[Alistair runs past in the background, two cats under one arm and what is presumably another squirming about down his shirt. He comes back into view a moment later, the escapee cradled in his free hand. Shoving the kitten in Anders' face--where it proceeds to bat at his nose--he frowns at the other man.]}

This is getting ridiculous. We can't keep track of all of them. Is anyone coming to-- Ow!

_{[The yelp comes as the squirming under his shirt grows more energetic and with a slightly panicked look Alistair disappears from view again, kittens in tow. The only hint as to his fate comes as an increase in the mewling and the sound of fabric ripping mercifully out of sight.]}

I'm getting to that part!

_{[Anders stares after him, eyebrows drawn up in alarm, before dragging his eyes back to the camera.]}

Uhhh, it's okay, everything's fine, we have things completely under control, but as you can tell, we're in possession of some cats who could use a loving home! Soft, furry cats! Adorable, see? They're domesticated, easy to care for, and make excellent house pets. That one doesn't appear to be a fan of Alistair's shirt, but some are more fashion conscious than others.

I don't know if I can take care of them all. If you'd like to take one, we'll be giving them away free of charge in the ballroom. First floor, you can't miss it! _{[Anders then points a finger sternly, though the effect is mitigated by the wide-eyed kittens holding onto his arm.]} But no funny business. If you consider cats a delicacy, I'm warning you now, we're both heavily armed. People wanting to make mittens out of their fur need not apply.

_{(OOC: Come find the log over here!)}

Comments

[Video]

[beforeblue]

...you're giving away cats? This isn't a joke right? You're really gonna just give me a cat if I show up?

video;

[circlejerked]

Now that they're here, they need to go somewhere.

_{[Anders loves a good joke, but willing live cats into being just to make one is a bit much, even for him. He shifts his hold on the armload of kittens to keep them from trying to crawl up the front of his robes.]}

With the promise you'll take care of your new furry friend. They need a nice person to look after them. _{[He coos down at the ones he's holding.]} Don't you? Don't you?

[video]

[ttlynotabloodmage]

[Jowan has been largely hiding out in his room because it seems the safest option all things considered, not to mention he'd needed a few solid days of sleep after everything else, but this? This is enough that he's going to venture more talking on this strange magic mirror thing.]

Anders? How many did you actually get? And why?

video;

[circlejerked]

Figured out how to work the device, I see. _{[Anders is all smiles.]} So you're not the best mage around--at least you can say you're quick at learning technology.

_{[Wonderland isn't toying with their emotions anymore, Jowan isn't entirely a lost cause... So many silver linings to appreciate today!]}

And I'm... not sure. I didn't specifically ask for them, it just sort of happened. You can never have too many cats, I say.

_{[Look, don't judge him.]}

video;

[cabalistically]

[ This is the king of Ferelden and the architect of the mage-templar rebellion. Solas watches this debacle in exasperated disapproval, then activates his device to make contact. ]

I will take two of them.

[ It's the least he can do, freeing the poor things from these inept morons. ]

video;

[circlejerked]

<sub>[He shoots Solas a wondering look. If not for having a band of kittens to shepherd, Anders would give the elf a more curious assessment, but he's content this one isn't cursing his name at the first glimpse of his face for the moment.

And the elf's a cat lover! Anders' favorite type of person, second only to naked women. As soon as Solas expresses interest in adopting some, Anders breaks into a smile.]</sub>

Someone after my own heart! Two's the perfect number. They'll have a brother or a sister and neither will get lonely.

_{[So smart, Solas.]}

( video )

[shitloaf]

[ What the shit. ]

Of course you'd be at the source of the stupidest sodding trouble.

video;

[circlejerked]

Hey, there's nothing wrong with wanting a cat around! And it was an accident.

<sub>[Anders indignantly clutches his cats to him like a woman clutching her pearls. Carver wouldn't be the first Warden to try and talk him out of keeping them, and he likely won't be the last.

But wait--it's Carver. Carver. Carver from only a few doors down. Abruptly and without warning, Anders' expression shifts to something hovering between "cunning" and "vaguely hopeful."]</sub>

Are you home right now, by chance?

_{[He smells an extra set of hands.]}

video;

[noble_son]

What did you--

[Actually. Strike that. He lifts his free hand as if to dismiss the spoken words.]

You know, I'm not sure if I even want to know how this happened.

video;

[circlejerked]

Nathaniel!

_{[Anders practically shouts his name in greeting. Finally, someone Anders might be able to bribe for help with only a little wheedling involved!]}

I'm still not sure I want to know how you turned Cullen into a stuck pig. We all do things we regret sometimes...

_{[Two can play at that game.]}

[video]

[1908]

[ oh no adaline loves animals. ]

That...is a lot of kittens.

video;

[circlejerked]

It was a surprise to me, too.

_{[Though his laugh is rueful, Anders looks down at the bundles of fluff he's holding with blatant fondness. Ever since his time with Mr. Wiggums, he's had a special place in his heart for cats--and Mr. Wiggums had been a grumpy old geezer at times.]}

But a part of me isn't all that sorry. You know what these little charmers could use, though...?

_{[Slyly, he holds a white, cherub-faced kitten closer to the screen.]}

A lovely lady to hold and pet them for a little bit, maybe?

[ivehadbetter]

[ She squints at the video...before letting out a short laugh. Watching the King of Fereldon run around after cats was probably the most amusing part of this.]

Anders...what did you do? How did you rope poor Alistair into this?

video;

[circlejerked]

Nothing! Much. The last few days took it out of me and I may have let my mind wander when I shouldn't have... Just for a second.

<sub>[Anders slips one of the kittens he's holding into an inner pocket of his robes so he can scoop another one off the floor, sounding like a man guilty of forbidden magic. When the kitten keeps kicking all four legs in the air like it's still walking on the ground, though, he can't resist a smile.

Worth it.]</sub>

Poor Alistair? _{[He turns his attention back to the screen.]} He gets to play with kittens, who wouldn't enjoy that! It takes a confident man and a giving soul to take care of helpless creatures.

_{[And Anders may not have given him much choice. Same thing, really.]}

[mourning_ghost]

[Cute is not the first thing that comes to Nageki's mind, even if these ones are still kittens. He is a bird after all.]

Please keep them away from the library. [He wants peace and quiet there.]

video;

[circlejerked]

I can't make any promises--

<sub>[He starts to say this with his attention on the cats milling around his feet, but when he looks up and sees who's speaking, he stops.

A talking... bird? O-kay.]</sub>

... Ah. I'm starting to see why you'd have an issue with cats.

[coleader]

So that's what you look like, [ she muses. Not what she had been picturing! Admittedly, she'd started picturing Anders as a giant blob of kitten-cuddling after a while. ]

You're right. They are cute.

video;

[circlejerked]

What who looks like--? _{[Anders is in the process of readjusting a kitten that's mountain climbing along his shoulder is momentarily distracted from working out the blonde girl's meaning.]} Be careful, kitty, remember those claws.

_{[What about cats had he been right about...? Once he's no longer in danger of the kitten using his collarbone as a stepladder to climb higher on him, it takes him another moment or two to make the connection, and then his face lights up with understanding.]}

Oh, don't tell me, I've got this one! Let me guess... You must be the space pirate deprived of feline affection until now. Clarke, was it?

video

[brainleak]

[River looks absolutely delighted. That is so many cats.]

Squish the toe beans!

video;

[circlejerked]

Toe beans?

_{[Quizzically, Anders looks down at the kittens in his grasp and touches the pad of an outstretched paw with his finger.]}

I suppose they kind of do look like beans if you tilt your head, don't they?

_{[He finds himself chuckling at the odd turn of phrase.]}

[Video]

[charlastan]

[When Stan went looking on the network, he was expecting more of a "Hey, has anyone seen a lost kitten?" sort of post and not...whatever this is. This is just excessive.]

...Huh. Guess that explains a lot about my day. Pretty sure you've got a runaway.

[Roughly, he tilts the camera downward, to show a tortoiseshell kitten winding itself between his ankles. When it sees that it has Stan's attention though, it meows loudly enough for the feed to pick up and starts trying to climb up his pant leg.]

Ow! Sonnuvah--! Cut it out, you ornery little--

[The video cuts out before he says anything really rude, so he can gently pry the damn kitten off him.]

video;

[circlejerked]

<sub>[Would you look at that, it's the ball-busting old swindler from that time the mansion had morphed into a cabin. Those had been a strange few days, but Anders had enjoyed himself, enough to be cheered by the sight of one of his cats claiming Stan as its territory.

Anders is unable to help a laugh. Before the old man can drop his device or trip over his feet, he quickly interjects with a:]</sub>

Enjoy! Keep the change!

_{[And there goes the video feed. He sincerely hopes the kitten isn't about to find out what a kick to the rump is like.]}

voice.

[cutenug]

Maker's breath! Just how many are there?

[ and, after a moment's pause: ] Is Alistair alright?

video;

[circlejerked]

_{[The oath is familiar, but the lightly accented voice isn't. Thedosians seem to be showing up in droves; Anders can hardly be expected to keep up with all of them. He shrugs somewhat helplessly, trying and failing to act like he hasn't also been trying and failing to keep count.]}

Well... more than ten, less than a hundred?

_{[Somewhere around there.]}

Eh, it's just a scratch. He's fine. He could use a new shirt, anyway.

voice

[courtintrigue]

Anders.

[There is amusement in her voice, to be certain, but more disbelief.]

When I thwarted your attempt to pet me I did not think you would take it this poorly.

video;

[circlejerked]

<sub>[... Oh, no. Now this is a voice he does recognize. Just the sound of his name makes him want to wince like a boy caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. It's her--Morrigan. The shapeshifter he'd been seconds away from trying to pick up and tickle like a common household cat.

Anders doesn't have anything against tickling--or women in fur, for that matter--but there's a time and a place, and usually involves a conversation about safe words and sharing each other's favorite color first.]</sub>

Yeah, so about that... I promise this isn't the cry for attention it looks like.

video

[villainously]

You missed one.

( he sounds as put upon and dramatic as possible, which is a lot, because he's great at being both of those things. he's holding what could easily be confused for a ball of fluff with two bright blue eyes and considering what a state the creature had given when he'd picked it up, it seems quite content now.

(it had taken a lot of petting and coaxing to get to that point, but nobody is ever allowed to know that. )

more importantly: )

How on earth did you get the closet to spit out kittens?

video;

[circlejerked]

Did I? I was afraid of that. They're more wily than they look.

<sub>[But Anders doesn't think he has much to worry about--the fluffy kitten the man holds up looks well-tended to. That right there is a satisfied cat.

Hope the man like white cat hair, because he's probably going to see a lot of it on his clothes.]</sub>

From where I'm standing, it looks happy where it is. _{[He's smiling as he observes this.]} Word to the wise, be careful about letting your mind wander when you're standing too close. Those closets are more sensitive than I thought.

_{[Next thing you know, he'll think about a nice ham sandwich and it'll start raining hams.]}

[intelligently]

They may just disappear on their own. The other animal outbreaks did.

video;

[circlejerked]

_{[Whoa, whoa, whoa.]}

Who said anything about disappearing?

_{[He doesn't want them to just disappear, never to be seen again! Anders looks down at the kittens in his arms and milling around his feet, clearly made uneasy by the very suggestion.]}

They're not like a disease. They're kittens! I didn't mean to bring them here, but now that they are I can't just send them back.

[video]

[sciencelizard]

[Alphys is fascinated, honestly. Free cats??? free cats??????? mom holy fuck]

T-They're just... y-you got them from the closets? They c-can make living t-things???

video;

[circlejerked]

<sub>[First a talking pigeon and now... whatever this is. A reptile wearing spectacles? Anders doesn't hide his blatant curiosity.

Well, it can't be a Qunari--Alphys is too small for that.]</sub>

Yes, I suppose the rumors are true. It was a surprise to me, too.

_{[He pauses for a moment or two, what he hopes is long enough to be considered a polite lull in conversation.]}

So, I have to ask--what's with this obviously not human thing you've got going on?