Δ [1st Cipher] SVOOL WZIPMVHH NB LOW UIRVMW

[improvident]

[Static crackles and pops over the feed.

It is a combination of a radio tuner whining listlessly between stations with decent service, the familiar whirring grumble of the dial-up tone ad infinitum, the hoarse screech of a car trying to start on a lonely highway in the middle of the night, where it has broken down for seemingly no reason at all.

Images flicker: an illustration of Lincoln's assassination, a room draped with red curtains, the Teletubbies, President Nixon, video footage of a piglet slowly decaying into loam. And then- A V O I C E.]

I GӨƬƬΛ ƧΛY. ƬΉΣƧΣ DIGƧ ΛЯΣП'Ƭ ΉΛᄂF-BΛD. I MΣΛП, IƬ'Ƨ ПӨ IПƬΣЯGΛᄂΛᄃƬIᄃ ƬIMΣ PΛLΛᄃΣ ΛПD IƬ'Ƨ ПӨƬ ƬЯЦMP ƬӨЩΣЯ, BЦƬ I GΣƬ ƬΉΣ ΛPPΣΛL.

[On occasion, between the odd frequencies scrambling the frame with black and white noise, a single eye will appear.]

VΛMPIЯΣƧ. ΛПGΣᄂƧ. ᄃΛППIBΛᄂƧ. GӨDƧ. ΛΉΛΉΛΉΛΉΛ ӨΉ BӨY, IƧ ƬΉIƧ GӨППΛ BΣ FЦП. I'ᄂᄂ BΣ ЩΛƬᄃΉIПG YӨЦ, ЩӨПDΣЯᄂΛПD.

I ' ᄂᄂ B Σ Щ Λ Ƭ ᄃ Ή I П G Y Ө Ц.

[The transmission cuts, leaving a fuzzy screen and a garbled message:]

Comments

VOICE or bust

[improvident]

YӨЦ ƬΛKΣ ƬΉΛƬ BΛᄃK. ƬΉΣ ƬΣᄂΣƬЦBBIΣƧ ΛЯΣ ΛП IПƬΣЯПΛƬIӨПΛᄂ ƬЯΣΛƧЦЯΣ.

[Because that's what the purple rock was referring to, right?]

stubbornly VIDEO!!!!!

[brainmeme]

I don't even know what a Teletubbies is. Why don't you show yourself?

stubbornly VOICE!!!!!

[improvident]

ЩΉΛƬ Λ ЯЦDΣ QЦΣƧƬIӨП.

IF YӨЦ DIDП'Ƭ ΉΛVΣ Λ BӨDY ΛПD ᄃӨЦᄂD ӨПᄂY ᄃӨMMЦПIᄃΛƬΣ ƬΉЯӨЦGΉ ƬΉΣ ΣƬΉΣЯ ӨF ƧPΛᄃΣƬIMΣ ЩӨЦᄂDП'Ƭ YӨЦ BΣ ӨFFΣПDΣD IF ƧӨMΣӨПΣ ΛƧKΣD YӨЦ ƬӨ "ƧΉӨЩ YӨЦЯƧΣᄂF?!"

[He can, of course, he just doesn't want to yet. Gotta keep up the air of mystery, you understand.]

VIDEO FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

[brainmeme]

Uh... Sorry? Wait, wait, you're the one that should be sorry! You can't be showing dead pigs and stuff to everyone, who even does that!?

voicevoicevoice

[improvident]

YӨЦ ΣΛƬ BΛᄃӨП, DӨП'Ƭ YӨЦ?

[I mean, who doesn't? It's practically what knits the fabric of the universe together.]

videovideovideo

[brainmeme]

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure they get the meat for that at some point before the pig rots.

[Vegetarians and people who eat halal don't, Bill, be more sensitive.]

PERMA-VOICE

[improvident]

[Vegetarians and people who eat halal don't have to watch it, now do they? IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.]

ᄃᄂΣΛЯᄂY YӨЦ ΉΛVΣП'Ƭ ƧΣΣП ƬΉΣ IПƧIDΣƧ ӨF Λ MΣΛƬ-PΛᄃKIПG PᄂΛПƬ.

[brainmeme]

...What's inside of a meat-packing plant?

[improvident]

ƬΉΣ IПᄃΣƧƧΛПƬ ƧᄃЯΣΛMƧ ӨF ƬΉΣ IППӨᄃΣПƬ PЯΣPΛЯIПG FӨЯ ƬΉΣ ƧᄂΛЦGΉƬΣЯ

[A beat.]

ΛᄂƧӨ Λ KΛЯΛӨKΣ BΛЯ

[brainmeme]

Yeah, there's no way there's actually a karaoke bar. [The incessant screams, though, that's up in the air.] You're just messing with people for no reason. That's why you left this weird cryptic message on the network. You want to freak people out. Well, it's not working on me. And it won't work for long once people wise up to your game.

[improvident]

YӨЦ'ЯΣ ЯIGΉƬ, I'M JЦƧƬ MΣƧƧIПG ЩIƬΉ PΣӨPᄂΣ. IƬ'Ƨ ЩΉY I DΣᄃIDΣD ƬӨ ƧΉӨЩ MYƧΣᄂF ПӨЩ, IПƧƬΣΛD ӨF ΛPPΣΛЯIПG DЦЯIПG ƬΉΣ ЯΛPƬЦЯΣ.

[P.S., you haven't lived until you've heard BABBA's number one hit Disco Girl sung with nothing but off-key screams.]

IƬ ЩӨЦᄂD ΉΛVΣ BΣΣП MЦᄃΉ ᄂΣƧƧ FЦП IПƬЯӨDЦᄃIПG MYƧΣᄂF IП ƬΉΣ BΣGIППIПG ӨF ƬΉΣ ΣПDƬIMΣƧ, FIЯΣ ЯΛIПIПG FЯӨM ƬΉΣ ƧKY, ƬΉΣ ЯIVΣЯƧ ƬЦЯПIПG ЯΣD ЩIƬΉ BᄂӨӨD, ƬΉΣ ƧIXƬΉ ƧΣΛƧӨП ӨF ᄂӨƧƬ PᄂΛYIПG ΛD IПFIПIƬЦM. ᄃΛП YӨЦ BᄂΛMΣ Λ GЦY? IƬ GΣƬƧ BӨЯIПG ЩΛƬᄃΉIПG YӨЦ

Λᄂᄂ ƬΉΣ ƬIMΣ.

[brainmeme]

Now you're just saying nonsense. I'm way entertaining. I do all kinds of tricks.

[improvident]

ᄂIƧƬΣП, ЩΉΣП YӨЦ'VΣ ᄂIVΣD ΛƧ ᄂӨПG ΛƧ I ΉΛVΣ, ΣVΣЯYƬΉIПG GΣƬƧ BӨЯIПG ΣVΣПƬЦΛᄂᄂY.

accidentally subscribed to you jsdnfksf sorry

[brainmeme]

What, you couldn't be much older than me, give or take a thousand years. I think you just like to whine.

hahaha I DO THAT ALL THE TIME it's cool

[improvident]

I DӨП'Ƭ ЯΣMΣMBΣЯ ƧΣΣIПG YӨЦ ΛƬ ƬΉΣ BIЯƬΉ ӨF ƬΉΣ ЦПIVΣЯƧΣ.

[brainmeme]

What? No one's that old.

[improvident]

ƧΛID ᄂIKΣ ƬΉΣ ƧQЦΛᄂᄂIПG IПFΛПƬ YӨЦ ΛЯΣ.

I DӨП'Ƭ ΉΛVΣ ƬIMΣ FӨЯ BΛBIΣƧ.

[Which is saying something, because he has a lot of time.]

[brainmeme]

Wh-- Ugh! I'm not a baby! I'm thousands of years old and I'm totally mature! [She kicks over a pile of junk offscreen, because this is a mature reaction and that's what mature people do.]

[improvident]

[Unimpressed with this display of petulance Bill decides he's had enough of the purple child.]

...ЩΣᄂᄂ. ƬΉIƧ ΉΛƧ BΣΣП FЦП.

BЦƬ I'VΣ GӨƬ BΣƬƬΣЯ ƬΉIПGƧ ƬӨ DӨ ЩIƬΉ MY ƬIMΣ ƬΉΛП ƬΛᄂK ƬӨ ƧӨMΣӨПΣ ЩΉӨ'Ƨ PЯΛᄃƬIᄃΛᄂᄂY ƧƬIᄂᄂ Λ FΣƬЦƧ.

[brainmeme]

[She glares at the screen and shuts her device off before Bill has the chance to end the conversation first.]