entranceway | ( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

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( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

[ it is (was?) the season to be jolly, and iris west~~-allen~~ is a terrible gift-giver.

she could probably do worse if she made the effort, but that's not saying much. thankfully, she won't realize the full extent of how lacking her gift is in comparison to barry's. he is currently ushering her through a door, asking that she cover her eyes to keep the surprise intact. she can hear the boyish excitement in his voice, and as always, it's infectious. a flutter rises in her stomach as she waits. ] Open your eyes ... now!

[ and open her eyes she does.

barry is no longer anywhere to be found, and instead of a newly leased apartment, iris finds herself in wonderland again. at least the rabbit hole was thoughtful this time around: it's let her to the mansion steps. it's snowing. it wasn't snowing before when she — when she what?

a light shiver creeps up her spine as iris finds her way inside.

it takes several minutes, perhaps longer than that, for the full weight of her memories to return to her. they come back in pieces, and confusion soon gives way to apprehension. she's been here before. but that doesn't make sense, she was home and how could she possibly forget in the interim?

the click-clack of high heels signals her arrival, her eyes taking everything in. old memories coalesce with new ones, and she almost sways to the side at the impact. this isn't the wonderland she remembers. not exactly. and everything is so quiet, as if the whole world is sleeping. iris takes off her coat, the red velvet dress she wears underneath it suggesting she'd been having a celebration of her own. it's winter in wonderland: how much has she missed?

her steps quicken, iris now in full search mode. she won't stop until she sees a familiar face. ]

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[ iris west is a reporter back in her home world, and it's a shame she has not taken advantage of the network as much as she should. tends to happen when you lose yourself digging up info within the network. ten years worth of it. her notes went missing the day she did, so she'll have to start from the ground up.

let us tell you, it won't be easy. but it's also not impossible.

to iris west, impossible is nothing.

once she is more or less settled in and let those closest to her know she has returned, she reaches out to the network. ]

I've got a few questions for you, Wonderland.

Specifically, I have questions for those of you who've been sent home and were brought back. Note: I won't turn down information even if this technically doesn't apply to you. I'll take everything you've got.

1. Were you able to remember anything about Wonderland while you were home?
2. How long were you gone Wonderland-wise, and were all your Wonderland memories intact when you returned?

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[ iris would never wish to speak for nora allen. it's grievously unfair she is not here to speak for herself. thawne keeps taking what was never his to take, and barry cannot fix it, must stop trying to fix it: the past is the past is the past. nora is the voice that barry should hear when he is missing her most. but iris, young though she may have been, remembers nora's kindness and her loving nature. remembers enough to know what nora allen wouldn't want above all. ]

She wouldn't want you to beat yourself up for the rest of your life, either.

[ she would want barry to be healthy and happy and fulfilled. not at the expense of everyone else, no. but she would want them.

all the things that must seem so impossible to him right now. ]

Or to punish yourself constantly over what ifs and should haves. You were and you are hurting. And when we're hurting, it's hard to see an end to all the pain. [ he won't feel like this forever. but he does need to feel it. there is no making it go away.

silence follows, and iris keeps hold of both his hands with one of her own. if she minds the vise-like grip, she does not say so. her other hand settles on the low of his back, drawing soothing circles upward. there is no instant balm, no magical salve. but iris goes nowhere. ]

Everything isn't ruined, Barry. It just needs to heal. You need to heal.

[ healing shouldn't suck in everyone and everything he loves, and maybe that's where barry's gone all wrong in the process. he's always seen it as a vacuum, pain sucking you in and then spitting you back out again. he feels as though he's been through the process numerous times over his life — though, he doesn't know if it ever spat him back out when it came to mom and dad. it couldn't have, if he'd been set to alter the timeline and save mom. ]

[ he wonders where his other self, the one who'd waved him back from interfering, had been. there'd been three barry allens in that living room instead of four. ]

[ slowly, he pulls himself up. it's a lesson joe west had picked up from mom when she was forced to drop it and rehashed over and over, teaching him when he gets knocked down to pick himself up again, but after he's ensured he's got all ten fingers, all ten toes, and isn't going to break anything else by placing too much pressure on himself. he lets go of one of her hands to wipe at his face, gaze not settling on her as it sits off her shoulder, then down at her hands when he takes it again. ]

When I told him I liked my life the way it was, I meant it. I didn't need it to change. I don't need it to change. I just thought … [ he shakes his head, letting out a breath that lets his shoulders sag just a little. his face is a little blotchy, but barry doesn't take any notice. he's come to iris all bruised and scraped up before, and she'd done nothing but try to make sure any hello kitty bandaids he'd placed on himself were stuck on properly. ] I just thought maybe I could've had it all. Everything that's ever made me happy.

[ and to, obviously, shift that pain away. going back in time wasn't meant to be a bandaid, but barry sees that it is. nora allen dying is a fixed point for him. maybe later he'll remember she isn't for every other barry in the multiverse. ]

[ without realising, he lifts her hand along with his when he (gently) hits the back of his knuckles against his forehead. is it any surprise a part of him is still in that living room? ] He's here. [ there's no anger in his voice, just tired defeat. ] Thawne's here. He's not the same one as before.

[ iris lifts her knuckles, gently running them down his cheeks to help wipe away the wetness she finds there.

she's never taken barry's desire to go back in time personally. she knows he loves the life that joe and iris gave him. she knows it wasn't that they weren't enough, or that he doesn't appreciate the home they made for each other when all of them were a little bruised and lonely. barry wanted his parents alive. it's a very human feeling inside an extraordinary man with extraordinary abilities. who wouldn't be tempted to go back and save their parents if they had the power to do so?

iris means to reassure him.

she means to reassert herself.

but barry says the word thawne and all is brought to stillness, her hands growing limp within his. it's no secret iris is fiercely protective of barry, heart and soul. someone needs to look after him while he's taking everything else on. thawne in wonderland is the last thing he needs. a chill sinks into her bones, right down to the marrow. how can she ask him to find peace when the past repeatedly comes back to haunt him? when there is no getting rid of thawne in a place like wonderland unless it chooses? ]

Do you know when he's from?

[ that's the question, isn't it? the when. ]

The Pipeline, maybe?

[ barry lifts his shoulders somewhat, expression a little hopeful yet incredibly uncertain. that's the thing about eobard thawne, he has the power of the future to back him up. the timelines will always favour him, because he's had the time and the resources to explore and understand it, while barry's only just living it. ]

He's not like the Thawne who was here before. He's really … [ barry lets out a breath as he thinks it over. he's been running on adrenaline, letting his feet do the talking and thinking instead of taking a seat and approaching it as he would any case that makes its way across his desk. he's a csi, someone who's relied upon to look at the finer details and comb through it. he's just never been good at applying his work to his personal life. ]

[ except for right now. iris calms him in a manner no one else has ever really been able to. he can sit and think, instead of rushing to solve everything and making a bigger mess of it all. ]

He's really easy to rile up. I feel like I'm talking to his time remnant. When I went back for the Speed formula, he was really patient and meticulous. This one just seems … angrier.

[ iris settles her hands on his shoulders, giving them a light squeeze, if only to keep them physically connected. a tangible manifestation of the connection that they share; they have been and are anchors for each other, in several lifetimes over. a compass that points north. ]

Thawne was in Flashpoint, too.

[ and from what little iris has been able to piece together, he wasn't the meticulous and patient version of him, either. ]

Once you reset the timeline, we didn't have to worry about him again.

[ it would make her sick to her stomach to know that thawne demanded barry ask him to kill nora allen all over again. it makes her sick to her stomach to know that he is here now, when iris has lived through the fallout of what nora's death caused. ]

What are you going to do?

[ of course he was. it's the thought barry has that feels so palpable it exists as it's own entity in his room. thawne's like the shadow he can't get rid of. he haunts him wherever he goes, from childhood when he hadn't realised the monster under his bed was real to adulthood where he simply can't run fast enough away from it. ]

[ despite iris' words, he doesn't feel relief. thawne'll be around, lingering like a bad smell. he knows it; he can't exist in a universe without thawne somewhere in his peripherals, just like he doubts eobard thawne had ever existed in any point in time without the red shade of the flash imposing its weight on him. ]

[ he sighs, rubbing his face with his hands and finds that the attempt to alleviate the tension and tiredness from beneath his eyes only encourages it to grow heavier. quietly, and a little hopelessly: ] I don't know, Iris. [ he shakes his head, shoulders shifting slightly beneath her weight in a half-assed attempt at a shrug. ] I wish I knew.

[ he looks down; despite his voice being low, anger hums beneath them. ] All I want to do is finish this. But Wonderland will only bring him back. I just have to be smarter and faster and — [ it's the same song and dance as before, isn't it? it's always a race to up his speed, to somehow learn of an enemy who doesn't exist. he looks up at her and rests his open palms on her legs. ] You need to be careful. When I spoke to him, he mentioned my wife. And ... that was you.

[ iris wants barry to catch a break.

she wants him to have respite from thawne, from the past, from his grief. but life waits for no one to be ready, and neither does wonderland, and thawne certainly won't, either. he doesn't know what to do, and truth be told, neither does iris. but it does not discourage her. ]

Then we figure it out together.

[ they're more than a team, they're a family, and iris has faith in them. she has endless faith in barry. it's why her voice doesn't waver, and neither does her belief. where he is tired, she will pick up the slack. the reminder she hyphenates her name in a future, if it still is indeed the future, no longer fazes her. she still believes they make their own destiny, but her choice is barry. she will remain steadfast in that choice and in her love for him. ] You don't need to worry about me. I can handle Thawne.

[ more importantly: ] And so can you. But you won't have to be strong alone. Okay?

[ sometimes barry wishes he could be just like joe and iris, having endless amounts of faith in himself. ]

[ when he lets himself acknowledge who he is to eobard thawne, he doesn't understand it. he can barely see where the flash of the future begins and the flash of the past ends. he's certain joe has a joeism for him, or dad would say something like "slugger, the flash of the future begins and ends with you", but barry doesn't let himself think of what dad would say, or what joe would offer in his stead. ]

[ eobard thawne will always be a sore spot he may never understand how to soothe, but he wishes that sore didn't extend to anyone beyond him. if barry allen wishes for anything, it's not control over time, but over how far hurt's extended beyond him to reach out and try and capture his friends. thawne's killed his mother in a bid to traumatise the man behind the mask so badly it changes history itself. he's gone out of his way here to remind barry eobard thawne knows a lot more about him than barry knows himself, having not lived half of what he's meant to yet. iris will always be a part of his life, but that by-line only solidifies she becomes a much more significant part, and perhaps one that protests loudly to remaining detached to barry allen and the very thin tether between him and the flash. ]

[ he lets out a small sigh, shoulders hunching because of it. there's no use in fighting, even though barry knows eobard thawne's a problem he has to deal with. he will, anyway, if what he understands of the future tells him as much. ]

[ he shakes his head, and softly: ] I don't want you left alone with him. I made — I'll make a mistake eleven years ago, and I'm not going to make it again.

I believe you.

[ she believed him when they were eleven and he told her about the lightning-carrying man in yellow. adults and therapists alike thought he was crazy, but not iris. she's believed him ever since. barry is not doomed to repeat the same mistakes. his powers afford him incredible and dangerous opportunities, but she believes in the day he will only choose to move forward. and she is going to be there on that day, like she is here now.

the tips of her fingers hook underneath his chin, tipping it upward so that their eyes meet. ]

But I'm not letting you do this on your own. You've never had to.

[ and wonderland changes the rules of the game, not that it's ever been a game to her or barry. eobard is bound to the same impossible rules, and he won't get his way. iris, for her part, will not allow barry to lose himself in the process. thawne can taunt him as much as he wants.

they're in this together, even if together for iris now means a very different thing. ]

[ except that's exactly what barry allen intends to do. regardless of what universe he may be from, the point in time, or even what's happened in his life, he'll always want his plan to involve himself and only himself. he'll need to borrow her hands to count on the tips of her fingers the people he's responsible for losing, and he doesn't particularly want to use her toes to count the potential rest of them. ]

[ he glances down for a moment, eyes inevitably moving back up to focus on the warm dark brown of hers. he doesn't immediately respond until he seems to win an internal war with himself. it's difficult enough to let joe and iris and wally play a part in his meta-human activities, but it's even harder to have them help him in what's inevitably his own shit to sort out. ]

[ so when he nods his head, it's when he's won that war of wanting to speak up and refute her with a reason she shouldn't be involved, especially with thawne. despite history perhaps saying otherwise, barry allen's never liked lying to iris west. there's often a door for him to walk into to smack sense and guilt into him whenever he does so. ]

[ hands moving from where they sit on her legs, he wraps his fingers around her wrists to gently move her hands away from his chin and let his fingers slide into the open palm of her hand. ] If he threatens you or anything, promise me you'll let him know.

[ iris allows her hands to be lowered, the tips of her fingers gently tracing down his palm. he feels different to when she was last here. or maybe it's iris that is different? she's experienced new layers to their dynamic that she never had before. she's been given a greater glimpse into just how willing barry is to take everything on for himself. it doesn't matter how unreasonable it is. it he can shoulder the burden on his own, he will.

her thumb darts out to gently press into the surface of his hand, and she leans forward, her gaze one that searches. intent. ]

Will you?

[ because that's her worry.

it's not iris that thawne is obsessed with. it's not iris' every move that thawne will be watching. ]

[ barry's never had any intentions to let anyone in, really. if he hadn't had such a sour expression on his face as a kid, kept himself slightly isolated and antisocial after mom had died and dad had been swept up in prison, maybe joe west never would've suspected a thing. but then again, joe west was a detective, and he knew how to read men and women, and barry allen was just a kid still trying to find his feet. ]

[ still is, as an adult. ]

[ momentarily distracted by the pressure of her thumb against his hand, he glances down before he looks up at her. unconsciously he leans in because she has, and doesn't think to shift away. ]

I really don't want you worrying about me. [ the short-lived smile's a sheepish one, as barry knows it's like water being wet: sort of impossible to avoid, even at the speeds he can achieve. ] He once told me that neither of us were strong enough to defeat the other, until he learned my name. But I'm stronger than him, because I have Team Flash. [ he lifts a shoulder. ] I have you.

[ how can barry forget how they'd tried to pull him back out of the speed force once it had consumed him from their dimension? cisco had used his abilities to try and pull him back himself, and when he'd realised barry wouldn't listen to a friendly voice, he'd extended his power to embrace iris to bring him back home. what iris is asking him is hard, but as difficult as it is to keep that breach open, it's the only one barry has control over. ]

So, I will. I promise.

[ barry speaks, and iris' heart is suddenly very full.

it's all she's ever wanted him to know. their team, their family, it's always made them stronger, never weaker. she does not doubt his heroism will remain ingrained in him for as long as they're both alive, because barry allen is the flash and the flash is barry allen. but he once told her that he didn't know how to do this without her, and she in turn promised that he'd never have to know. these promises are promises she carries through worlds. she will never falter. ]

I promise, too.

[ she can hold up her end of the bargain, and she has no intentions of seeking thawne out. the less power they give him, the better.

it's just a matter of finding that power and how it can manifest in wonderland.

iris knows they've already had all the serious conversations they need to have today, but she can't imagine not telling him the rest, at least where they are concerned. so here they are, their heads bent toward each other, their hands a tangle of locked fingers, and for once, she is not sure how he will react. ]

There is ... one more thing we need to talk about.

[ barry steels himself the only way he knows how to: sitting properly so his back is straight and with a deep inhale that inevitably turns into a sigh, shoulders sagging to lose their temporary rigidness. he thinks to ask her the question that seems to be the one being answered today: what else did i do? ]

[ it's the moral of the story these days: barry allen's done something to knock the dominoes over and his friends have to clean up the mess. future him had angered thawne, and so thawne had come into the past to try and end his life. not only had his gifted speed caught zoom's eye, but their shared childhood events had encouraged hunter to try and teach him a lesson that inevitably fell flat. barry also blames himself for geri halliwell leaving the spice girls and thus breaking up one of the best girl bands of all time, but he's pretty sure that'll come to light in the next decade: zigazig-ah! stop right now, the flash strikes again! ]

[ but it's a thought that literally lasts for a flash of a second before it detours, and his expression shifts from resigned to the one he wears when he's gearing up to run off and save the day. ]

Wally and Joe are okay, right? I know Wally was Kid Flash, but he's okay now.

[ a lengthened pause follows his reaction, and iris gives a small, almost apologetic laugh. ]

No! Barry, no. It's nothing like that. They're both better than okay.

[ wally is ecstatic to have his speedster powers, and he's surrounded by people who want to nurture and hone his potential, h.r. included. joe is finally coming out of his shell, not only by dating cecile, but also by learning to trust his kids instead of only instinctively trying to protect them. ]

I was talking about us.

[ bless that beautiful melanin, it's so much harder to tell iris can feel a blush creeping in. 🍋 ]

Where ... when I'm from, we're together. You and me. [ in case that needed further spelling out, iris. yes, thank you. ]

To ... geth ... er.

[ at the beginning, barry's eyes are slightly narrowed in confusion, but as the words ever so slowly pour from his mouth, his eyebrows lift up into a look of understanding. it's all clicked into place, albeit a little slower than it should've for someone so fast at processing information. ]

[ and once it does, he honestly can't quite discern what he's feeling. all he knows is that if she wasn't touching him in some capacity, he may have been enveloped in golden kinetic energy — and, for once, running off wouldn't be out of some fear or anger or need to go defend the helpless. ]

Oh my god. [ barry lowers his head, raises his hands still connected with hers, and hides his face with his palms. ] When I said that thing about a date — [ he lets out a laugh, one that's a mix of sheepishness and disbelief. ] I'm an idiot. [ even though iris had chosen to wait, barry doesn't know why he'd thought otherwise. perhaps a shift in the timelines would separate them again, or maybe she'd gotten tired waiting for someone who could move so fast but progress so slowly with her. his head's always been filled with self-deprecating thoughts, given his loss of control over almost every aspect of his life. ]

[ though it should frighten him this is yet another piece of him time and all of its keepers and destroyers could possibly mess with, it's the one thing he knows has always kept him moving. there's a light at the end of the tunnel; the byline from 2024 had shown him it's waiting for him to run to it. ]

[ he lifts his head, still smiling. he's sure he's blushing. ] So we're together ... together. As in together.

[ iris regards barry as he goes through a rollercoaster of reactions, her own emotions ranging from warm to amused to ... a little bit nervous, and she hadn't felt those kinds of nerves in a while. not since she first realized she was looking at barry in a different light. not since they first began their relationship, and they stumbled with the steps before finding a perfect rhythm. it isn't until he brings their linked hands to his face that iris outright laughs in earnest. ]

The first step is to admit you have a problem.

[ see iris not disagree with you: you're an idiot barry, but she loves you. ]

But yes, we're together. Together-together. And ... I know that you haven't been ready, and the last thing in the world I want to do is to rush you, or for you to rush yourself. [ look, she knows her boo. speed's always been his issue. too slow, too fast. but also, who's the one rambling now? ]

It felt weirder not to tell you.

[ iris is perfectly aware of the position this puts her in. for the first time in their whole relationship, in all its shades of intimacy, she is the one ahead now. and just like that night on the porch, iris remains supportive of him doing whatever he needs to do first. ]

Edited (i chopped off the wrong dialogue sob) 2017-01-14 06:27 (UTC)

But we're together. [ with a little more emphasis this time around. ]

[ again, he lifts their hands, not really realising he takes hers with him, and brushes his knuckles against his face. it's moments like these where he likes to use his hands, throwing them behind his head, rubbing his face, brushing them through his hair, even touching his collarbone. with the realisation of her hands being in his, it stops him from acting a little like he's unable to sit still. ]

[ he's still a little gobsmacked, despite knowing there's a newspaper article floating around that says they're more than just together in the future. ]

[ but there's a spoiler lying in there, if he chooses to dig and find it. that emptiness he'd confessed to feeling to her must've been filled. he must've found a way to navigate around it, somehow finding whatever he needed to centre himself again in his own confidence as to who he was and who he'll want to be. but barry doesn't know what that was, and he doesn't think iris will want to tell him if she even knows. he'll grab the closest bandaid and slap it over his open wound, rather than allowing it to heal properly. ]

[ to know the future isn't so bleak again is something that lifts his spirits. all he needs to do is disregard her advice about rushing himself and try and find out when that happens. how long does he have to wait until he finds that peace? does he even know what he's looking for? ]

[ all he knows for now is he's been looking for iris and she's found him. small steps. that emptiness had begun to stretch wider, and now it's closed just a little with her return. ]

[ with a shake of his head, he lets out a light laugh, ] I've got a lot of catching up to do.

[ iris shakes her head with a smile, and this time, it's her lifting their hands up. she brings them to her lips, placing a gentle kiss over his knuckles. when she lowers them back down, she looks at him with this smile: because he's handsome and he's wonderful and he looks a little bit like a promise just now.

he once confided in her that it's scarier to have something than nothing at all; to get his heart's desire instead of always having it just out of reach. there's a persistent fear of losing something once you have it. but barry never runs on empty, not when it comes to hope and not when it comes to bravery. he held on with both hands, and so did she. despite everything he's ever lost and the battles he hasn't won, barry allen keeps going.

it doesn't happen immediately, or all at once, but the day came. it's one of the many reasons why she can say confidently: ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[ not this time. wonderland's going to have to try a little harder. (except please don't.) ]

[ there are moments where he wonders if everything's going to be okay. just okay, flaws and all. ]

[ it's easy to remember when he'd been okay with okay: one moment had been in gideon's room where he'd seen that byline, another when he'd held and comforted mom as she died and realised she wasn't going to beg to be saved; in the speed force with "mom" looking at him like everything was just as it should be, and iris stepping into that bright, blurry blue of the energy force. ]

[ he's always striven for perfection: to feel the perfect things, to be the perfect kid in a house he always knew wasn't his. he'd always wanted to slot into that silence perfectly, remain unseen within the west household when he felt his own hold on his composure begin to crumble. he feels it even now, wanting to keep up the farce everything's alright even though he suspects it's all falling apart. (how many more times can he really run toward the horizon, expecting to find her on the other side, before he realises she's not there?) ]

[ but it's in those moments he'd been fine with just okay. ]

[ and it's why he doesn't try to strive for perfection now. it's not the best situation to be in — being told mom's dead and he'd had time with her alive, things had shifted, people had died (again), and that there was more to what she hadn't so much as revealed to him yet that she carried. it wasn't ideal, but it was okay, and barry lets himself settle for it. ]

[ it's with a smile, he quietly (and shyly), says, ] You looked really nice in that dress, by the way. [ he almost apologises to her for making her get out of it, but he forgoes it. ] Reminded me a little of home.

[ home to him is red: the flash, danger, power, determination, strength. there's strength in love, and a nice silk dress. ]

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( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

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