entranceway | ( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

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( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

[ it is (was?) the season to be jolly, and iris west~~-allen~~ is a terrible gift-giver.

she could probably do worse if she made the effort, but that's not saying much. thankfully, she won't realize the full extent of how lacking her gift is in comparison to barry's. he is currently ushering her through a door, asking that she cover her eyes to keep the surprise intact. she can hear the boyish excitement in his voice, and as always, it's infectious. a flutter rises in her stomach as she waits. ] Open your eyes ... now!

[ and open her eyes she does.

barry is no longer anywhere to be found, and instead of a newly leased apartment, iris finds herself in wonderland again. at least the rabbit hole was thoughtful this time around: it's let her to the mansion steps. it's snowing. it wasn't snowing before when she — when she what?

a light shiver creeps up her spine as iris finds her way inside.

it takes several minutes, perhaps longer than that, for the full weight of her memories to return to her. they come back in pieces, and confusion soon gives way to apprehension. she's been here before. but that doesn't make sense, she was home and how could she possibly forget in the interim?

the click-clack of high heels signals her arrival, her eyes taking everything in. old memories coalesce with new ones, and she almost sways to the side at the impact. this isn't the wonderland she remembers. not exactly. and everything is so quiet, as if the whole world is sleeping. iris takes off her coat, the red velvet dress she wears underneath it suggesting she'd been having a celebration of her own. it's winter in wonderland: how much has she missed?

her steps quicken, iris now in full search mode. she won't stop until she sees a familiar face. ]

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[ iris west is a reporter back in her home world, and it's a shame she has not taken advantage of the network as much as she should. tends to happen when you lose yourself digging up info within the network. ten years worth of it. her notes went missing the day she did, so she'll have to start from the ground up.

let us tell you, it won't be easy. but it's also not impossible.

to iris west, impossible is nothing.

once she is more or less settled in and let those closest to her know she has returned, she reaches out to the network. ]

I've got a few questions for you, Wonderland.

Specifically, I have questions for those of you who've been sent home and were brought back. Note: I won't turn down information even if this technically doesn't apply to you. I'll take everything you've got.

1. Were you able to remember anything about Wonderland while you were home?
2. How long were you gone Wonderland-wise, and were all your Wonderland memories intact when you returned?

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[ oh, and if iris doesn't wrap her arms around clementine in return.

she's learned enough of the younger girl to know that clementine hugs are very special hugs, and iris is not in the business of wasting precious moments. her hold tightens on her, though never enough to hurt. she lifts clementine off the ground a few inches, if only briefly, her eyes burning.

she loved being with her dad and wally again, now that she remembers enough to miss them. but without wonderland, she'd never know clementine exists, and something about that feels so terribly cruel and wrong. she is furious that a place could be so powerful to make iris forget her. ]

I promise it's going to take a lot more for Wonderland to get rid of me for good.

[ iris west is nowhere near throwing in the towel. ]

[the ache spreads out in her chest. her eyes burn, and she swallows thickly as she tightens her hold on iris. it feels nice to be lifted up and held so tightly like she's important and loved and cared for. there is a solidness to this hold, which reassures her. this is real. iris is real, and she's back somehow despite the fact she'd been certain she'd be gone forever. she'd heard if it's been a week that's the sign, but something- maybe there's something else.

she smiles against iris' shoulder.]

I was about to yell at whoever took your room.

[she says it like it's a joke even if it's true, and she gets she shouldn't have because whoever it was wouldn't be at fault, but-- clementine is many things but nice isn't necessarily one of them. not anymore.]

[ iris smiles into clementine's hair, lingering in the embrace for a while longer.

eventually, she does set clementine back down, an amused and slightly chastising expression on her face. ]

Talk about a missed opportunity.

[ not that she doubts for a moment that clementine would have done it. she may be tiny, but she is fierce and very set in her ways. iris has spent enough time with clementine to get to really know her, and it means so much to her that they can see each other again. ] You've been okay?

[clementine swallows and then shrugs since she's been worse, but she doesn't know how well okay goes to describing it either.] Yeah, mostly. I missed you. I... brought Barry brownies, because he was asking for them when he told everyone you were gone.

[and they talked a lot about iris, and about family, and about... a lot of things. the conversation sticks with her even though it's over, and she's on her feet now, but she still rests a hand on iris' arm like she's afraid- like maybe wonderland will take her again if she doesn't have something tethering her to this space and to this world.]

We went to a Hell dimension not long ago. That sucked, and then nobody could get real sleep because every time we closed our eyes, we were in some other Wonderland.

[ iris gives her a heartfelt smile that's far more apologetic in nature than anything else. it doesn't matter that she had no choice in staying or going. wonderland never gives them a choice, but she hated how it must've worried clementine, and she's already heard from others how it affected barry.

gently, iris steers them in the direction of her bed, so they can sit at the foot of it. ]

Wait a minute. A Hell dimension?

[ the pitch in her voice rises along with her surprise. it shouldn't surprise her, but it does. ] People have been talking about the weird dreams, but you're the first person to tell me about this. Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah. I mean I knew what to do. Hide. The monsters were dangerous, and no magic closets so like where I'm from.

[clementine sits beside iris at the end of the bed and then she ducks her head a bit. she hasn't talked to anyone else about this. it was hard to do so. she feels shame about it. right and wrong make a mess inside of her, and there's plenty she's done that- that she doesn't tell anyone about. people die because of her, and she learns how to live with it. survival instincts took over in that hell dimension. when she attempted to talk sense into georgia, she was harsh. she- she was on edge and then she just backed away like she was just fine watching someone else walk off to their death.

she doesn't think georgia ended up dying, but.] It was weird. People were acting strangely. Georgia was heading out there with a stick to get the truth. I tried to stop her, but... I didn't really try hard enough.

[ her gaze softens.

iris sadly has nothing to say that could make it better. these events are a reality they have to deal with, and it would be far more foolish to pretend otherwise. at the same time, she knows how important it is to just talk sometimes, even if the outcome can't be changed. ]

I'm sure that's not true. You tried to help, and that's all anyone can do. I know Georgia. She's a strong woman with a mind of her own, and she made her own choices. That's not on you.

How do you know what's on you and what's not?

[it's more of a general question maybe, but she holds guilt for many moments where she didn't try hard enough, where she took her own survival and put that first, where she wanted to find her parents and she led people into hell because of it. she listened to a man on the radio, and then lee got bit and she shot him before he could turn.]

It doesn't always seem clear, and every choice has a consequence.

[ that's a good question, clementine.

a hard question, but a good one. iris leans back as she considers. ] Well. I think part of it is acknowledging that just as you have the power to make your own choices, so does everyone else. You can help people, and you can give them advice if they need it, but you can't make those decisions for them. Sometimes they'll make good choices and sometimes they'll make mistakes.

[ because she's right, there's consequences to their actions. they can only claim their own. ]

[her world gives her all these sorts of moral dilemmas, but there's never any time to really think about it or talk about it. no one wants to, because some things are meant to be done whether they're okay to do or not, regardless of blame or fault.

she likes being able to talk about that stuff with iris.] That makes sense. [her voice is soft, and abruptly, iris reminds her of lee, which hurts but is good too.] If you follow some trouble and someone follows you to save you, is that you or them?

Cause if you hadn't ever been in trouble, they wouldn't have been able to choose it.

If the trouble had never existed, you wouldn't have been in danger, either.

[ some things are out of their control, and that's hard to accept. scary. ] If it'd been someone else in trouble and you followed to help them, would you want them blaming themselves for it?

[ barry struggles with so much guilt. iris knows it when she sees it. ]

[clementine quiets but she nods signaling her understanding. she wouldn't want them to blame themselves. it's still hard not to blame herself for lee, but- but it goes more complicated than that. she leans against iris then, staring at her own hands in her lap, until she lifts her gaze to iris then, winding an arm around her arm.]

How was going back home?

[ iris draws in a quiet breath. clementine's question is seemingly innocuous, but life in central city is anything but unassuming these days, and while clementine may be young, iris doesn't believe in not talking to her about things because of it. ]

It was good, in some ways. I got to see my dad and my brother again. I've mentioned Wally before, right?

[clementine told iris when they met to 'not hold back', and iris doesn't. she still talks to her about things even when those things are hard. it's a big part of why they're so close. she can tell already. if it's good in some ways. it means it was also bad in other ways, and she reaches out, rests her hand on top of iris' hand.]

I'm glad you got to see them. [that is true. even when she was mad, even when she missed iris, she was glad to think of her with her family.] Yeah, you did. Not a whole lot, just that you had a brother.

Me too. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was sent back to the last moment I ever lived back home. Like no time had passed.

[ it's strange to think of that now that she is remembering wonderland again. now that she is allowed to. she'd missed wally and her dad, especially, and while things were hard back home, she can't regret being sent back and seeing them again. ]

People keep saying that's how it is. It's hard to imagine.

[it's something that likely has to be lived before someone can wrap their head around, clementine figures. it's good to know they don't return to the world having moved on, having missed them but also weird this entire world can be ripped out of their heads as if it never existed. she rests her hand on iris' arm, squeezing gently.] If it was good in some ways, it means it was bad in others, right?

[ iris' smile quiets. ]

Yes. There was a lot of both, but we were able to take the bad guys down.

[ there's never good without bad. that's true of most everything, but clementine's world is harsh and unforgiving. if anyone knows what bad really means, it's the younger girl sitting beside her, comforting her. ] I'm the only one who's lived any of it from my world, so it's a little weird.

[ her expression grows reassuring once more. ]

Good. [the last time clementine took a bad guy down, she then stayed to watch someone bash his face in with a crowbar to be sure he was dead. she has a feeling that's maybe not what iris means. jails are usually used. sometimes bad guys need to be defeated completely.

she frowns trying to wrap her head around that.]

So you know all this stuff no one else does? Yeah, that'd be hard especially if you felt like you couldn't tell them, and even if you could, they wouldn't get it the same as you do.

[cause they haven't lived it]

[ iris nods her agreement. ]

Messy, right?

[ iris prides herself on honesty. she doesn't like keeping secrets. at the same time, what good could ever come out of telling them things they cannot possibly do anything about while they are here? it would only hurt them, cisco especially. ]

It's not that I don't feel I can tell them. It's that I'm not sure it's good to know things in advance if you can't do anything about them. [ back home, barry can travel to the past, and at times, the future. and it still comes with massive repercussions. wonderland is another ball game. ]

Would you want to know? [ about the future in the world of walkers. ]

[clementine nods in agreement. it does seem very, very messy. she doesn't know what she'd do. what if lee came here from before-

well, before what happened to him? she frowns deeply.]

I wouldn't want to know except maybe about the one thing that happened as I was- as I was taken here, but I also already don't want to go back so I don't know if I count.

[anything that she'd hear, it wouldn't make her want to go back all of a sudden. there's nothing that she could be told that would change that for her, but she knows she's not like most people here.]

I... I get not wanting to share stuff with people that'd just hurt them, but you should share it with someone, cause it sounds like it's a lot. I'm trying to think of some stuff I'd have to keep from people if they showed up, and I don't know if I could hold it all in for that long without telling someone.

I don't want you to go back, either.

[ iris wants clementine to be able to have that choice — staying or going. the uncertainty of wonderland's whims can put anyone on edge, but now that she's been sent home iris knows just how disorienting it is. she couldn't remember clementine. it's like this place never existed, and that's unforgivable.

she glances over at clementine with fondness. she neither underestimates nor dismisses what clementine has to say because she's younger. adults should pay more attention than they often do. ] That's good advice. I hope you know it goes both ways, if you ever need to talk about anything. [ it's more important to process the things that have happened to you than the things that have yet to happen. clementine's sentiment rings true: they need not carry the burden alone. ]

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( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

[action] w a i l s you monster

[action] sob no you ;o;

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