♛ eighth hunt - voice

[ofletters]

Secrets. [ There's a dry laugh, something wearied and underscored with years and years of self-loathing and disappointment. ] People'll kill to keep some stuff under wraps. And a lot of the others're just broadcasting out the worst things they've done. Stealing, lying, a murder--

[ There's a stretch of silence, now. What would it be like, to have more normalized worries, to only have something mildly mortifying to look back on and regret? ]

... I'm not doing either. Can't-- Won't. Killing someone isn't worth that. But I'm not going with this story time of twisted crap, either. I--

[ The things he'd done are, in his own mind, far past the point of sharing and caring. ]

I can't forgive myself for it all, but I can't talk about it, either. So if it comes out, it comes out.

Comments

voice;

[oversight]

[Knowing some of Dean's internal demons flavors John's impression of Sam's words. He isn't sure what kind of secret Sam's battling, but just the limited knowledge John has managed to eek out of Dean tells him it's nothing good.

For Blake's purposes, his secret might be shocking, but shockingly mild compared to most of these reveals. He's done a lot he doesn't feel particularly happy about, but he doesn't have to worry about something like this.]

Think that's the best way. No point in revealin' the punchline before people realize it's a joke.

[And then a pause and a sigh.]

Was a bad analogy, sorry. Meant to say it's just better to wait. Think that's a good move. Doesn't make it easier, though.

Somethin' I can do for you in the meantime, Sam? Eat yet?

voice; private;

[ofletters]

A joke. [ He repeats, a little wearily, and chuckles. ] ... Right.

S'fine. Thanks for the support, I guess. Just figured-- Like you said, there's no point. If it's gonna come out anyway, I'm not gonna make a big deal about it. Or kill...

[ There's a exhale trailed out after that, and a pause before continuing. ]

Haven't, actually. Not sure I'm up for it right now, though.

voice; private;

[oversight]

Well, change your mind, you gimme a call. Same goes if you need some backup or whatever.

[It's just an open-ended offer, nothing firm or concrete. Even-voiced and sincere.]

Leave you an' luck to it, otherwise.

[voice]

[claimyourself]

Neither am I. Talking about it, I mean. [Though the whole "can't forgive myself" part is true as well.] If it comes out, I guess I'll have to deal with that, but it's not like I'm going to volunteer the information.

[Because when you unknowingly bring about the end of the world, you assume people are going to start giving you a wide berth.]

voice;

[ofletters]

That's where I am with all this. [ Welcome to his life; they could start a club of people who brought the end of the world. It'd be so fun. Or something. ] Makes the most sense, to me.

voice;

[claimyourself]

[Fun, or incredibly depressing?]

Yeah. I mean, never mind that it's an insane thing to ask people to do, but why does the Queen or whoever set this up think we'll just do what she says? We're not like our Mirrors.

voice; private

[rulebreaks]

You don't have to forgive yourself for all of it, but you do have to accept it.

voice; private

[ofletters]

Believe me, I've more than accepted it.

voice; private

[rulebreaks]

Acceptance is the first step, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Maybe you should give yourself a little more credit.

Video

[bottlearum]

[ About the whole, "I can't forgive myself for it," thing, Jack rolls his eyes. ]

You did what you did, an' now you've gotta live with it, and yourself. Forgivin' yourself'd make it a lot easier, eh?

video;

[ofletters]

[ Sigh. ]

Sure it would. But it's not that simple to just do it, if you really screwed up.

audio »

[driven]

[ something about this bothers allison. more than anything else she's seen on the network so far - from killing to revealing secrets to everything else. she's frowning, but sam probably can't tell. most definitely can't tell. ]

Was it really so bad that you can't forgive yourself?

audio »

[ofletters]

[ She might be able to hear the traces of frown in his voice. ]

Wasn't just one thing, either.

[audio]

[freewill]

[Castiel can't be positive on how long this event is going to stretch on for, but his hope is that it ends soon. While that may bring the revelation of all these things they'd rather keep to themselves, at least the tension of possible murderous intent would be gone.

When Sam's message comes through, Castiel finds that it isn't anything unexpected. Sam has plenty of secrets. They may not be secrets back home, but there's not much chance he would admit them to people who don't already know.

And it's the same for Castiel, and most likely for Dean as well.]

For all we know, this is an empty threat, an incentive to inspire bloodshed. [Wishful thinking, perhaps, but they'll find out soon enough.

It doesn't seem right to leave it at that, though, and so after an awkward pause Castiel forces out a question.] Are you... all right, Sam? [Between his memory loss and the last event, where he'd temporarily been soulless again, Castiel can't imagine it's been easy for him. On top of his brother dying a month ago.]

voice; private;

[ofletters]

[ Not unexpected, sure, but still very serious. This event's only made him regress, in a way, losing some of the ground he'd gained while being in Wonderland. With the nature of the event itself, the way people were reacting to it, and the recent events in his own life, Sam's having a hard time just buckling down and accepting things at the moment. ]

Is it ever? [ It's spoken wearily, softly. Because he wishes it were an empty threat, but he's come to know this place too well. ] The Hellhounds were real, the memory slips-- It's another heavy hitter, and there isn't a lot we'll be able to do once everyone decides how they're gonna handle it. One way or another...

[ There's a long pause of his own, and he debates answering truthfully. And then, true to form, does not. ]

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

[Voice]

[lightgunhustler]

You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, Sam.

[There's something sympathetic in her voice. She's missed a lot of what's gone on with him in recent years, but she knows it's been bad. There's no way he can be expected to broadcast that.]

But I agree. None of this is worth anyone getting killed over.

[She wishes everyone felt that way, but Tohru's body being found in the cafeteria is evidence to the contrary.]

voice; private;

[ofletters]

Thanks, Mom. [ There's a little twitch of a smile, not that she can see. ]

Just because some of us--even most of us--feel that way, it doesn't mean we all will. It's already started happening. [ He can't dwell on his own mistakes, Sam reminds himself, because people are dying. And he's got to try to help them, because that's what they do, right? ]

voice;

[hypercompetent]

I feel you, man. [ There's not much he can say beyond that--there's a weird kind of camraderie that's come out of this "event", because Stiles is watching a lot of people with the same guilt complex as him go through the same motions, of trying to keep their secrets under wraps as much as possible and the moral dilemma of murder along with it. Stiles isn't planning on killing anyone, because no, but, he gets it. ]

No one's gonna make you say anything, and I mean, there's enough of us here that are kinda screwed up that maybe it'll make yours look like a walk in a park. [ It's a weak joke, but a joke none the less. ] And when it happens, maybe we'll all just. I dunno, do some trust exercises or something, and look back on this as a horrible, awful bonding session.

voice;

[ofletters]

I wish I could hope that. [ No, he doesn't. Because for all he's done, he'd take the brunt of the weight of it, rather than having someone else go through all the crap he'd chosen and lived through. ] It's horrible, sure, but I'm not sure it can be bonding if someone's already been killed.

[ Maybe for the rest of them. Maybe it'd be some sick lesson. ]

[ video ]

[venators]

Kind of a brave approach if you ask me. [ Graham's real worried about all this murder crap. People are gonna get stir crazy real fast with the lock down as well. Bodies are gonna drop and he doesn't want that. He's curious about what this guy has to say though. Seems harmless.

His face is finally in focus now. He's still getting used to how these things work though. This whole place is confusing. ] Some of us get lucky and our secret's just silly. Can't imagine what yours is. Not that I'm prying though.

video;

[ofletters]

Yeah? [ There's a weak half-smile. ]

Not good. [ And he has so many dark secrets that just spilling one of them is almost a blessing. ] ... We all make mistakes, right? But this is--

[ No, Sam. Stop. Breathe. ]

... Anyway. Priority now should be keeping people safe. And from killing each other.

video;

[righteously]

[And isn't it a good indicator of how fucked up their lives are when they consider a murder to be only mildly mortifying? Hell, it's downright par for the course for them on a monthly basis, and that's if they're lucky. Things have been easier in Wonderland, though- a lot less brutal slaying, a lot less... everything.

And he's really not keen on screwing all that up when the rest of wonderland finds out all about his Deep Darks and he loses the connections he's made. If he has to guess, he'd say Sam isn't far from that train of thought either.

He knows Sam wouldn't kill for it, though, but the thing is... If they're thinking this hard about all the shit they've done, chances are someone a little more morally gray is, too. Which means it's only a matter of time before someone turns up dead. Given the relatively low population, chances are it's gonna be someone he really, really gives a shit about.

So no, he's definitely not taking this event so well. When he pops up on screen, it's grim-faced and unpleasant.]

Honestly, I think we gotta worry less about the crappy inevitable and worry a little more on keeping bodies from hitting the floor.

[Which doesn't mean he's not worried about what people will do, how it will effect Sam, when the details of his sordid past leak out. He definitely is, but they can deal with that bridge when they come to it. They've dealt with it before- hunters finding out about the apocalypse, family finding out about good old Soulless RoboSam. Same story, different dimension.]

video;

[ofletters]

Too late. [ Dean, of course Dean rings in, because Dean knows. Every time Sam had taken things a step too far, made stupid freaking choice after stupid choice, his brother had been there to reign him back in. Even when he thought he'd been doing good, when he hadn't realized that he had one foot off the cliff. So it's no surprise that Dean's here, speaking reason, keeping them both from falling backward again into the graves they'd dug themselves. ] There's a girl already dead.

[ Jo had known her-- Tohru. Sam draws a leveled breath, mind working slowly, clicking along like rusted cogs in a tired machine. ]

We can go from here, though. Keep patrol, stop people from going nuts.

[ More so than they have already, he hopes. ]

[Audio] back dated to pretty early on, prior to meeting up with Jo.

[tom_hanniger]

[Is it awkward that Tom tries to be social with him? He's not sure exactly what the protocol should be when you look like someone's brother and things are complicated between said brother and said brother's kinda sorta girlfriend. He doesn't have any place talking to Sam at all, but. Here he still in. Fulfilling some misguided need to be social. Make friends. Forge some odd bond.]

Not that it's much of a silver lining, but most of this shit doesn't mean anything outside our own world, right?

I'm pretty past the point of caring.

[And it's ridiculous coming from him, the master of running from problems, but..]

I think there comes a point where it just doesn't matter anymore, you know? If people know some random stupid thing about me that means nothing to anyone but me, then fine. Sure as shit ain't gonna go killin' anyone over it but.. can't say I feel like broadcasting my dirty laundry.

audio;

[ofletters]

[ Not awkward. In fact, it makes it less awkward that they're trying to be social with one another, rather than just pretend that the other doesn't exist. Sam can tell Dean and Tom apart; he's probably one of the few who can. So he doesn't mind the similar face popping up over the feed, and draws a breath before replying. ]

Guess so. [ His little memory experiment saw to that. ] Not unless something changes.

[ He remembers playing football with Tom, when once again, he'd been without a soul. Weird world. ]

... Not sure I agree. It's easier said than done to just stop caring, y'know?