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[It’s taken Hook a while to type out the message. What business do letters have being in some strange, nonsensical order? What sort of alphabet goes from Q to M instead of A to Z? It’s bloody confusing, but he’s managed, at last, to type out his message on the automatic writing mechanism he found in his pocket. It seems to have some sort of magical ability to show images and produce sounds too, but he has yet to figure those ones out.

The message is short and a bit stilted. He’s not used to having to hunt so hard for each letter, and finding advanced punctuation or capital letters is beyond him. But it gets the point across.]

to whom it may concern ive found myself on strange shores and could use information should it be available. the name is captain hook. im supposed to be in new york. does anyone know how to get there? i need to find emma swan. it is very important. sincerely, hook

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[ He'd had a year to master the art of texting (like a 100 year old blind dog), then Wonderland had to be a bitch and throw him back in a time when the Bessemer process is fucking innovative. Not that he's complaining, but now he has to get used to typing all over again. It's easier the second time around. Like riding a bike. Or a Utahraptor, if you're America. Same difference).

Point being it takes him twenty minutes and he ends up with a catastrophic mix of formal letter writing and drunken teenage texting. ]

DEAR CAPTAIN HOOK,

IT WILL PLEASE YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH NEW YORK CITY AND STATE! IT WILL NOT PLEASE YOU TO KNOW YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR IT. IF YOU WERE AIMING FOR NEW YORK HOO BOY YOU ARE FURTHER OFF COURSE THAN COLUMBUS. THIS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT UNIVERSE/WORLD/GALAXY?/DIMENSION? YOU WILL WANT TO ASK THE SPACE TRAVELERS LIKE MARTHA JONES OR LUKE SMITH OR THE DOCTOR ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING BECAUSE IT IS SOME INTERESTING YET COMPLICATED SHIT THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THERE IS NO WAY TO GET THERE FROM HERE BY CHOICE, AT LEAST NOT THAT ANYONE HAS FIGURED OUT. EMMA SWAN MAY STILL BE HERE. I MET HER A FEW TIMES. SHE'S NICE. EXCEPT ONE TIME I THINK I WAS HEADLESS.

IN BETTER NEWS A LOT OF THINGS HERE ARE FREE! ROOM, BOARD, BOOZE, WEAPONS, DINOSAURS, ETC. THE USUAL STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF AUTO CORRECT AND IT KEEPS WANTING ME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT AVOCADOS INSTEAD OF MAGIC. I DON'T UNDERSTAND?

THE AVOCADOS ARE FREE.

ENJOY YOUR STAY!

WITH REGARDS,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
(YES THE COUNTRY.)
(I AM A PERSONIFICATION.)
(THERE ARE DEMONS HERE TOO. THEY ARE JERKS.)

[Hook has found the capslock key by now but he does not know how to turn it off and just use shift, so this conversation's gonna be obnoxious on both ends!]

DEAR MR. AMERICA, WHICH COUNTRY IS THAT AGAIN? I'M UNCERTAIN IF I HAVE BEEN THERE. EMMA IS INDEED HERE SO I HAVE NO NEED TO GO TO NEW YORK. I HEAR WE ARE IN WONDERLAND BUT I HAVE BEEN TO WONDERLAND AND THIS IS NOT IT. I DO ENJOY AVOCADOS. SINCERELY, HOOK

[ Perfection. ]

HELLO AGAIN CAPTAIN,

I AM THE COUNTRY WITH NEW YORK, OF COURSE! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE. LOTS OF OIL AND STEEL AND LAND. PRETTY MUCH THE BEST IN EVERY REGARD. YOU SHOULD VISIT SOME TIME, MY FOOD IS AMAZING! ALSO BUY THINGS.

I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS THE ONLY WONDERLAND I KNOW. ARE THERE OTHERS? REGARDLESS, THAT'S THE NAME OF THIS PLACE. MAYBE IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSAL EQUIVALENT TO THE NAME "MIDDLETOWN" IN THAT THERE A MILLION OF THEM EVERYWHERE BUT THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT?

OH WELL. THE ONE YOU'RE IN NOW HAS A BIG KITCHEN! THERE ARE LOTS OF AVOCADOS IN THE PANTRY, AS MANY AS YOU DESIRE! LITERALLY. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS HERE.

SINCERELY,
AMERICA

AMERICA, IVE BEEN TO MANY WORLDS AND ONLY EVER HEARD OF ONE WONDERLAND. IT IS HARDLY COMMON. AND IF THIS PLACE IS AS INESCAPABLE AS OTHERS CLAIM, I DOUBT I SHALL VISIT YOUR SHORES ANY TIME SOON. I HAVE BEEN TO NEW YORK, THOUGH. IT SMELLED AWFUL. HOOK

CAPTAIN HOOK (IS CAPTAIN YOUR FIRST NAME OR YOUR TITLE?),

IT IS "INESCAPABLE" IN THAT WE DON'T LEAVE ON OUR OWN FREE WILL. FOR EXAMPLE I WAS IN WONDERLAND THIRTY YEARS AGO, BUT THEN ONE DAY I WASN'T AND I DID NOT LEAVE BY CHOICE. NOW I AM BACK. AGAIN NOT BY CHOICE AND WITH NO WARNING BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

SO IN THAT SENSE YOU SHOULD VISIT WHEN YOU (LIKELY INEVITABLY) ARE THRUST BACK INTO YOUR HOME PLANET! NYC CAN GET A LITTLE RANK IN THE SUMMER BUT THE SIGHTS AND THINGS TO DO ARE WORTH IT. I HAVE A STATUE THERE NOW. MY BIG BROTHER GAVE IT TO ME TO CELEBRATE THE CENTENNIAL OF MY INDEPENDENCE. IT'S A PRETTY GREEN LADY!

AMERICA

[He's figured out how to use the shift key, but he's not taking any chances.]

its my name.

[Sort of. It's a bit complicated, but it's what he'll give as his name anyway.]

i saw the statue when i sailed into port the first time. i admit i didn't have much time to see sights but it was certainly very large.

IN THAT CASE I'M JUST GOING TO CALL YOU HOOK, BECAUSE A) I WILL FEEL WEIRD CALLING YOU CAPTAIN SINCE I ASSOCIATE IT WITH RANK INSTEAD OF NAMES, AND B) IT MAKES ME THINK OF JOE HOOKER AND THAT GUY WAS A HOOT.

IF YOU THINK IT'S LARGE FROM A DISTANCE YOU SHOULD SEE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY UP CLOSE! IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE!

SADLY THERE IS NO WAY TO GET TO IT FROM HERE, NOR IS THERE ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT IN WONDERLAND. THIS WORLD IS VERY ENGLISH-LOOKING. IT'S UNNERVING. I'M TERRIFIED THAT I'LL ONE DAY GO INTO THE PANTRY LOOKING FOR A BAG OF COOKIES ONLY TO BE GIVEN HARD, BURNED SCONES AND RUNNY EGGS. THE DANGER IS REAL.

[Hook takes a while to reply, mainly because he's having trouble following what just happened. He's new to texting.]

of course captains a rank why would it be my name

I DON'T KNOW PEOPLE HAVE WEIRD NAMES?

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text; oh I misread that.....

text; s'all good! o/