Video

[singloversing]

[When the feed flickers on there's something...not right about it. Everything's dark for a second and the screen shakes a little bit, and there's the muffled sound of someone's voice.]

I--! I think I got it! Now just--

[Something suddenly happens though - the device falls and there's glimpses of a tree and flashes of blue and red and then the ground and it's dark again. There's some groaning, and then the view flips to show Wirt, off-center, tied to a tree in the middle of the gnomes' territory. Naturally, he looks like he fits right in with that costume on, but he does not look like he's having a good time in the slightest.]

H-Hello? I-Is this...can anyone hear me? This is Wirt and I...I-I'm. These little bearded guys knocked me over and dragged me off into the woods a-and they all want to marry me, I think? They-- They've got me tied up and I could like really, really, really...j-just. Someone help? Help me? Please?

[It's becoming more and more apparent that Wirt doesn't realize he turned the video on too, and that people can see his sad, gnome-related predicament. He's also not good at throwing his voice and is just generally pretty hard to hear.]

Serious, c-can someone come untie me? Help!

[It takes him a couple of minutes, but eventually he manages to end the recording with his foot. Everyone will get a super good look at his mismatched shoes in the meantime.]

[ooc: Dipper and Mabel are going to come to the rescue, but anyone else is welcome to chime in and laugh at his predicament or offer sympathy or whatnot.]

Comments

video;

[onetruemorty]

O-oh my god! Okay, um, look, y-y-y-y-- it's gonna be okay! You'll get help!

[ Morty, whose only concrete fraction of a plan is to probably buy an 8-ball cane and hope that smacking small bearded guys with it will help... will luckily not be able to actually make things worse. Bullet dodged. As a young teen who has at some point probably almost had to marry an alien, he can at least offer sound advice. ]

Oh, jeez-- don't say anything that might sound like vows! I-if they start, if someone says something and it doesn't make any sense, don't repeat it! That's-- most of the time, that's like a huge part of whatever they're doing!

[ He almost says "hey, maybe they just want to eat you," but then he has to consider that that is not a great alternative hope? ]

Video;

[singloversing]

[Morty's advice is so weirdly specific that it doesn't even occur to Wirt to argue it. He sure sounds like he knows what he's talking about for whatever reason, so he hurriedly nods.]

R-Right. Right, I should probably just not-- I shouldn't say anything to them just in case they get the wrong idea and try to...t-try to...o-oh my god I'm going to end up married to an entire army of gnomes.

[It's really hard not to panic when you've been tied to a tree for days.]

They've been like, making me eat jam? What if that's some horrible weird gnome marriage ritual? What if they already think I'm married to them and this is just how they treat their monarch brides?! A-And they were very specific about me being a bride for some reason??

[Okay, now he's just panicking about every little thing he can think of to panic about in this situation.]

Video;

[onetruemorty]

Oh, boy. Ohhhhhh jeez. [ He really wishes he could consult Rick on this right now. Rick would probably be an asshole about it, but he'd also probably know a lot of stuff. Morty can mostly deal in personal experience and wordless, anxious noises. ]

I-it sounds more like some crazy thing they have to do before the wedding, if that helps? Like a weird... jam feast? God, th-that sounds horrible! [ IS THAT HELPING. ] Try to stay calm! Y-y-y-- no one is gonna be a bride, it'll be okay!

Video;

[singloversing]

Y-You know, it really doesn't! Like at all! That just makes it sound like they're going to-- t-to, I don't know, eat me? Are gnomes some sort of weird species that eat their brides?!

[HOW ON EARTH IS HE SUPPOSED TO STAY CALM, MORTY. Wirt's voice creaks as he falls into utter despair.]

This is it. This is the end. I'm going to be killed by gnomes in some-- some weird cannibalistic matrimonial ceremony!

action;

[krmvgivv]

[Dipper doesn't bother responding. Just shouts at Mabel to grab the leaf blower and together they head off into the forest. Finding the gnome forest isn't hard, and it's not long before they find him. Dipper has the leaf blower, and Mabel has a shovel, and as they come up over the hill, Dipper pauses to dramatically shout.]

Hey, gnomes! [He revs the leaf blower engine.] Why don't you marry someone your own size?

[He frowns and glances at Mabel.]

....that line didn't sound nearly as good as it did in my head, did it?

action;

[powerofmabel]

[Mabel grimaces as the words leave his mouth and shakes her head no.] Leave the quips to the professionals.

[that said, she's going to make a warrior woman battle cry and began knocking gnomes this way and that with her shovel so she can get to Wirt.] Cover me, Dipper! I'm goin' in!

action;

[singloversing]

[Wirt looks up at the shouts and gasps when he sees who's there, knocking gnomes over left and right.]

Dipper! M-Mabel! Help!

[He struggles a little more against the ropes, but mostly he seems stunned that someone actually came for him.]

action;

[krmvgivv]

It wasn't that terrible.

[Yes it was. Dipper follows her, aiming the leaf blower at any gnome that tries to get too close. He turns it to reverse to suck a gnome into the tube before aiming the gnome at a handful that's trying to form up and come at Mabel from behind.]

I'm pretty sure Wirt's the one tied to the tree. Kinda hard to tell, though.

[He looks over at Wirt and smirks, clearly just being an asshole rather than actually confused.]

video;

[ateherdirt]

Wirt, what the heck? How did you get yourself kidnapped? Is this where you've been all this time?

[Despite her chastising tone, Beatrice does look worried.]

Honestly, I take my eyes off you for a minute....

video;

[singloversing]

I-I don't know! It's not like I got kidnapped on purpose! They just like, stole me as soon as I went outside!

[He's still freaking out a little, but apparently he's okay enough to sass her a little in return. He's not hurt, just humiliated and really sick of being tied to a tree.]

video;

[ateherdirt]

And now you're getting married? [Seriously, Wirt, how.]

video;

[singloversing]

N-No! No, I'm not! Definitely not! But they-- they kind of didn't like that so...they tied me up here.

[Believe him, if he knew how it happened he would not be here right now.]

[video]

[punful]

sounds like you're gonna be the king of the garden gnomes. congrats, your majesty.

[video]

[singloversing]

I-I don't wanna be the king of anyone! I'd make like the worst monarch! A-And I'm too young to get married!

[video]

[punful]

maybe you can abdicate the throne? or quietly fund a revolution.

heh, sorry, couldn't help myself. you got someone coming to get you? or i might be able to lead a several-bear invasion.

[By which he means, he will ride on the multibear while the bear(s) do all the work. Easiest king deposing ever.]

[video]

[singloversing]

N-No, no. No. No revolutions for me, thanks.

[He can barely handle an ordinary life, much less throw a gnome revolution. That's just not going to happen.]

And, uh...I dunno if anyone is? And I doubt the gnomes would let me abdicate the throne. They're-- they're kind of jerks?

Video

[naughty_nurse]

Eeeeek! Wiiiirt!

Video

[singloversing]

M-Mikan??

[He sounds kind of baffled. Why is she the one shrieking here?!]

Video

[naughty_nurse]

[Because her sort of friend is in danger!]

W-what do we do? Are you hurt? Are you injured? I'm so sorry!

video;

[lifeskills]

_{[What in God's name is going on.]}

Wirt.

_{[Victor almost can't believe what he's just seen. Wirt, abducted by... fantasy characters? Restrained against a tree with rope? And what's this about matrimony? If he hadn't had time to learn the difference between film and live video, he'd swear he was watching one of those modern age movies.]}

Are you hurt?

_{[What should his next move be if Wirt's turned the device off and can't answer? This is mad, all of it, from start to finish.]}

video;

[singloversing]

[Wirt would absolutely love to know what's going on, but like much of his life the "why"s and "how"s are completely out of reach.]

I...n-no, I'm. I'm not hurt. I'm just--

[He stops and wriggles a little bit more, because he'd hate to say he can't get free only to have the ropes finally be loose enough. That would be super embarrassing. But no, he's still firmly restrained.]

...they just tied me up. I'm not hurt.

[lifeskills]

_{[These devices certainly do come in handy at times. If not for the network, he might never have known what was going on, and Wirt would never have been able to reach out.]}

Who's "they"?

_{[Some variant of creature dwelling in the forest, he's gathered, but apparently (and luckily) not a hyper-violent sort.]}

Do you have any idea where in forest you are? I'll come to you.

_{[Braving the outdoors in his Oxford shoes doesn't project the most heroic image, but he can't just leave the boy like that.]}

[video forever]

[goodwoofjames]

[Sirius stares into his device.]

Dwarfs? Were you wandering in a cave? Or a mine?

[He's pretty sure dwarfs hang out in places like that. Not as sure about Wirts hanging out in caves.]

[singloversing]

[Wirt will spare his own dignity and not correct Sirius on whether they're dwarves or not.]

Uh...N-No, not really? I was just walking around and they kinda knocked me over and dragged me away?

[goodwoofjames]

Strange. That's not something they're really known for. But I suppose this isn't my world anyway.

[He wonders what Hermione Granger would have to say about all this, suddenly.

There are more important questions, though.]

What did you say?