entranceway | ( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

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( action | text ) here's to all the hearts that didn't make it home

[ it is (was?) the season to be jolly, and iris west~~-allen~~ is a terrible gift-giver.

she could probably do worse if she made the effort, but that's not saying much. thankfully, she won't realize the full extent of how lacking her gift is in comparison to barry's. he is currently ushering her through a door, asking that she cover her eyes to keep the surprise intact. she can hear the boyish excitement in his voice, and as always, it's infectious. a flutter rises in her stomach as she waits. ] Open your eyes ... now!

[ and open her eyes she does.

barry is no longer anywhere to be found, and instead of a newly leased apartment, iris finds herself in wonderland again. at least the rabbit hole was thoughtful this time around: it's let her to the mansion steps. it's snowing. it wasn't snowing before when she — when she what?

a light shiver creeps up her spine as iris finds her way inside.

it takes several minutes, perhaps longer than that, for the full weight of her memories to return to her. they come back in pieces, and confusion soon gives way to apprehension. she's been here before. but that doesn't make sense, she was home and how could she possibly forget in the interim?

the click-clack of high heels signals her arrival, her eyes taking everything in. old memories coalesce with new ones, and she almost sways to the side at the impact. this isn't the wonderland she remembers. not exactly. and everything is so quiet, as if the whole world is sleeping. iris takes off her coat, the red velvet dress she wears underneath it suggesting she'd been having a celebration of her own. it's winter in wonderland: how much has she missed?

her steps quicken, iris now in full search mode. she won't stop until she sees a familiar face. ]

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[ iris west is a reporter back in her home world, and it's a shame she has not taken advantage of the network as much as she should. tends to happen when you lose yourself digging up info within the network. ten years worth of it. her notes went missing the day she did, so she'll have to start from the ground up.

let us tell you, it won't be easy. but it's also not impossible.

to iris west, impossible is nothing.

once she is more or less settled in and let those closest to her know she has returned, she reaches out to the network. ]

I've got a few questions for you, Wonderland.

Specifically, I have questions for those of you who've been sent home and were brought back. Note: I won't turn down information even if this technically doesn't apply to you. I'll take everything you've got.

1. Were you able to remember anything about Wonderland while you were home?
2. How long were you gone Wonderland-wise, and were all your Wonderland memories intact when you returned?

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[ for anyone who actually catches barry these days, it shouldn't be a surprise that he's dripping wet. it doesn't matter that it's winter in wonderland, that everything's a little cooler in colour and perhaps a little in temperature, too. (barry can't feel it, always running to fast before it can truly catch him). ]

[ there's the loud sound of static crackling up ahead, the whoosh of the flash navigating a corner. there's a trail of water along the ground, too, left in puddles as though the person who's wearing most of it is either as large as goliath in his strides or perhaps too fast to leave so much as a footprint. ]

[ there's puddles all over the floor, not quite big enough to cause issue with navigating them, but they all lead up ahead to where gold flashes brightly. maybe iris should go follow it. ]

[ there is a terrible price that comes with knowing: iris cannot unlearn what she has lived, and she would never choose to forget.

she understands now, and deeply, what barry allen has been keeping to himself all these months, in between searching for the mad hatter and supporting those that he loves best. she also understands she is ahead of him in their story, and time cannot favor those who don't know. her heels are unforgiving, and though iris follows the puddle tracks that will lead her to the stubborn speedster in question, she shouts his name in hopes of drawing his attention. ]

Barry! [ he once said her voice would always bring him home.

they are miles and worlds away from where they are supposed to be, but she can hope that it reaches him all the same. ]

[ he stops to try and shake the water from his ears, shaking his head to have some of his hair stick up on all ends. barry's never been a big fan of swimming, finding people's voices become obscured beneath the water, and he can never answer back unless he wants to feel his throat burn. this is partly why he hates what he does, running so hard toward the beach in hopes of breaking that invisible magical barrier and always ending up splashing into the very centre of the pool on the second floor. ]

[ he hates water. he's never been able to navigate something that's always been more powerful than him. ]

[ when he's running, nothing's inaudible. he stops — and not because he hears iris, even though he does, (more often than not these days, telling him fear's a healthy thing to have, that she'll wait for him, all the things she's said and hasn't said yet to him) but because his ears are ringing and his clothes are incredibly uncomfortable — and drips water everywhere. the converse shoes she'd given him squelch as he shifts on the spot and feels heavier than he likes on his feet. ]

[ rather than continue forward, he turns around. ] Hey — [ his expression's set in that awkward smile, like he's been caught by wells for sticking his hand very clearly in the cookie jar. but then it changes — and barry doesn't really know how it does, but he suddenly feels a hell of a lot lighter in his drenched clothes. ] Wow.

Hey.

[ her smile warms, intimate and slow, and subsequently fades.

they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, and iris is being smacked in the face with an all too delayed perfect vision. how could she not have seen?

she no longer possesses this memory, but it happened somewhere, in some timeline, in a porch that mattered: she told him to do whatever he needed to do, and go wherever he needed to go. would she have said those words so readily if she'd known that it would ultimately take so much more from him? she stands before him, a puddle or two in between them, her coat slung over one arm. he looks different, and he looks the same, and she's not quite sure how both these things are true. ]

The pool again?

[ he thinks to tell her he'd tried iceskating, given wonderland's truly embraced winter, made everything white, took things from him he wanted taken and wanted to keep. glancing down at himself, it's now he notices he's dripping wet, standing in a puddle that otherwise wouldn't exist if he was on the move. ]

You're back, right? [ his brows knit together as a desperate hope takes root and begins to grow inside of him. the christmas event had been hard; barry remembers how it'd been, falling asleep and remembering nothing at all about his life that had made and broken him plenty times over. ]

[ he hates that he'd been happy. content iris had come and gone, not quite knowing what she'd gone back to as he couldn't remember beyond the scope of wonderland itself. he'd had no hope for anything impossible, simply existing with what had happened and was happening in wonderland. ]

[ he shakes his head, lifting his gaze to hers. ] I don't remember this, so this can't be Wonderland giving me back my memories for Christmas again.

[ do they become something else altogether when they're here? back home they're earth-1 barry and earth-1 iris. or at least, they had been. she met earth-2 barry, a csi with dorky bowties and a smile that blinds when he talks about his wife. but here they are, caught in some liminal space. a space where they live things that none of these other versions of them do. on top of all that, there is a timeline that has been overwritten more than once, taking what pieces it chooses.

what does that make them? (still barry and iris.)

her expression softens as he doubts her presence, and iris cares very little if she gets wet: she steps forward, a hand cupping the side of his face. real. ]

I'm back. [ she glances down at herself. ] It was Christmas back home, too. [ and from the looks of it, hers was far better. ]

[ instinctively, barry leans into her hand. his expression doesn't soften into anything less worried and stressed, but the lines of him are no longer sharp. barry can calm down, let himself drop his whole facade of being okay, completely in control, and not feeling like everything's spiralling out from his hands when they'd never been in his palms in the first place. ]

[ christmas in wonderland had reminded him of what he'd never wanted — to forget. he'd never wanted to be reminded of the pain of losing mom, but it'd been gifted to him behind a door that'd only set to steer him back on the path he's meant to take. everything always comes back to nora allen, that night in that particular living room, but even though barry wants to place all his faith that his happiness will be restored and he'll feel complete once again with mom saved and the reverse-flash never winning that particular battle, he finds himself feeling that hollowness leave him without fuss with iris before him. ]

[ that's how it's always been. she doesn't leave him forgetting everything, but she's always welcomed him to forget holding himself at vibrating-hand point. ]

[ then his expression shifts just as quickly, brows pulling together as though he's thinking of something particularly sour. ] I didn't get you anything for Christmas.

I got you a wallet. I didn't realize how lame that is until I said it out loud.

[ her breath hitches before she's even finished speaking, rawness scraping her throat. the longer she stands here, the more she realizes just how long she was gone. how worrying it must have been to step into her room, expecting her to be there and finding that she wasn't. whether they're in wonderland or central city, they are so often powerless in the face of time. she's felt that way, once or twice, even if she's hardly vocalized it: powerless.

she has no abilities. she doesn't understand the science or the magic of it all. sometimes, she is at a loss when it comes to helping. helping barry, helping the team, helping her beloved city. but now that she looks at his face, her fingertips lingering against his jaw before they finally slip away, she feels strong. ]

I don't have it with me. [ the wallet. she brought everything else with her, but not that. ]

[ his smile's small, but sincere, ] I really need a new wallet.

[ his is falling apart, having been with him for years. his cards are falling through the fabric, almost like his own hold on who he is. barry knows he'd love it, just as he had the shoes he's wearing with her go win scrawled on it just as neatly and clearly as it'd been when he'd first received them. it's from iris, and it's practical. he needs a new wallet. sticking money in his suit hasn't been working out for him, truthfully. he wonders if he's finally whispered to her that cisco's suit's great but it ultimately has no pockets for his phone or his money for when he does some flash-window shopping. ]

[ shifting as though he's about to step closer toward her, his shoes squelch just a little. she hadn't taken into account he'd be stupid enough to try and dive head first into the barrier surrounding wonderland and wind up in the second floor's pool. ]

[ glancing down, he feels water fall from the movement of his hand as he pulls it away from her, never quite letting his fingers rest on her hip of their own accord. ]

I should probably … dry off first. I don't want to ruin your dress. [ he smiles, feeling slightly sheepish, and also feeling incredibly heavy. ] Christmas date?

[ iris takes a step forward along with barry, her fingers curling around his before they can slip away for good.

her mouth opens to say something. anything.

it's hard to determine what that something was going to be. he's drenched from head to toe, and though the sight of those converse sneakers would make her smile under any other circumstance, she knows what he was using them for. she's walked down this path already. and in wonderland, she's walked it alone. ]

Right. Of course.

[ she is usually the one suggesting barry get himself dry. she's also never been in this situation before. knowing more than he does. living and loving more than he does. it brings back those nerves that had been entirely unfamiliar to her until recently, particularly when he mentions a date. ] I'll tell you all about it once you're dry and I'm out of these clothes. [ wait. ] And into new clothes. [ t h r o a t - c l e a r i n g. ] My stuff's gone, isn't it?

[ he looks sympathetic, like he's delivering bad news. he supposes he is, even though it's not the worst thing in the world. ] Yeah. I tried to find some of your stuff, but Wonderland was just too quick for me. [ he shrugs, hands slapping against his jeans. he regrets it as soon as he does it, as it only reminds him that he's drenched and his excuses have worn themselves thin with both him and her. ]

[ the desire to lie doesn't rear its ugly head. he's soaked, she's standing in a really pretty dress, and he suspects his belief she knows something he doesn't is what's making the entire situation feel a little lopsided. it may also feel lopsided because barry allen's just tired of keeping up a facade that's kept the ground even for a short amount of time. ]

[ he's only ever been awkward with iris a few significant times in his life, but now isn't going to add itself to the list. he reaches for her hand, tentatively curls his fingers around hers, the reason behind the lightness of his touch being he's soaked and sometimes it's uncomfortable to hold the hand of someone who feels like a fish. ]

Do you think maybe I should get a sign that says the floor's wet?

Edited 2016-12-27 00:42 (UTC)

[ but he's such a cute fish.

and he's been holding himself together as best he can, taking it all on as though every single burden is his to bear, without letting anyone know how close he's been to breaking. timelines can make things so tricky, and they took harry's warnings to heart for valid reasons, but it also meant their friends were in the dark about how much barry has lost. again. she once promised him he'd never have to know what it's like to do this, any of this, without her. she intends to keep that promise. ]

I think, if I'm remembering correctly, Wonderland will take care of that on its own.

[ but a sign never hurts.

where his hold is light, hers is firm, locking their fingers together more securely. she's already tugging barry in the direction of the staircase, her memory no longer fuzzy now that she has seen him. she remembers these hallways, these mirrors, these rooms. she knows in her heart of hearts they won't get to decide when they leave again. ]

[ he looks over his shoulder at the wet puddles he's left on the floor, but he doesn't break away from iris to go fix it. he could easily clean that up with a few choice steps and create a whirlwind to evaporate it, but barry allen can't and shouldn't fix everything. ]

[ besides, while she's getting dressed he plans on coming back to put a sign there. ]

[ for now, that plan seems to solidify itself as a fixed point, even though there's a good chance it won't be. with her hand more firmly in his, barry's no longer quite afraid of holding it with his wet fingers. his own grip tightens as he walks at a pace that's more comfortable. no running. no crackling of electricity. the flash doesn't need to be here right now, even though he's sure it might make the entire walk to his room be quicker. ]

[ but not everything needs to be rushed. ]

[ except for this: as he walks, he looks down at her, and his entire energy changes from being slightly demure to being much brighter. ] How's Joe and Wally? You would've been home for ... a while. [ it hadn't been christmas when they'd been on the porch and he'd made a choice he's still flip-flopping on. ] They're okay, right?

They're good.

[ there's a small pause following her assurance, almost as if she meant to add now. they're okay now.

iris believes everything worked itself out. she has no idea savitar's predictions end up being true. all the same, it took a lot to get to that point. the process of wally acquiring his speedster powers was scary, with alchemy (or who they thought was alchemy) holding wally so tight in his clutches. as far as iris is concerned, the stone is lost in the speed force, and they can finally breathe easy, at least for a little bit. she doesn't expect things in central city to remain peaceful for good.

she doesn't know if she can hide anything from barry, and she has no intentions of doing so, but she also intends to ease him into it. there's no harm in starting with something good, is there? especially if he's asking. her thumb brushes the surface of his hand affectionately, glancing at him with a sideways smirk. ]

My dad's dating the D.A., if you can believe it. [ iris likes cecile. more importantly, she likes joe happy. ]

[ barry stops in his tracks, his face lighting up as his mouth drops open. ] For real? [ his fingers squeeze hers as he stops being so focused on where he is and who he's with. he begins walking again, ] I knew it. He's been giving her the eyes, and I knew it.

[ except it belongs in another timeline, unbeknownst to barry. he can easily think of what his actions will do — he's going to go back in time and save nora allen — but he doesn't think they'll change much. if anything, they'll only change the circumstances of him growing up, of how he'd been picked on in school for having a father who was charged with murdering his mother. it's not a big loss, in his opinion. ]

[ although he does know it changes things for him and joe, but he wants to believe it would only be so miniscule. if he doesn't think outside of the box, the box he's in doesn't become scary at all. ]

[ still smiling, he shakes his head in disbelief. the uncertainty and general overwhelming feeling of being directionless in wonderland dissipates, even if it's destined to be gone for a short time. joe west is happy, and he's letting himself finally let the woman who's been throwing herself on the line for him embarrass him. it's the best news he's heard since iris' return to wonderland, but at least he knows that that's waiting for him back home. ]

[ good things can still happen. barry'll always believe that, even in his darkest of moments. ]

That's so good. I think Cecile's liked him for a while. Don't tell him, though. It'll go to his head.

Oh, you don't have to tell me twice. That man does not need any more proof.

[ he did, however, need encouragement.

joe west has been father and detective, and only father and detective, for far too long. francine's return, brief and painful though it was, likely reopened some very old wounds that hadn't fully healed. iris had to nudge him along, and so did barry; he had known cecile's been crushing on joe for a while now. joe needs his kids, and that may be all he'll ever need, if push came to shove. but why shouldn't he have more? iris was falling in love again, and she wanted joe to have that feeling, too.

that feeling that makes you soar. that feeling that makes you believe anything is possible. barry gave that to her, and she likes to believe that joe can feel it again, too. for every painful ending, there's a new beginning. she thinks barry was finally starting to learn.

they reach his room, and iris brings herself to a stop right beside the door. she leans against the wall, gaze drifting down to their linked hands. it's so natural now to hold his hand. to be a certain way around him. she doesn't know if she can turn that off. ] Meet you back here in fifteen?

[ when barry had first arrived in wonderland and had learned he had been here before, he'd been excited by all the possibilities. he got to relearn this place again, make new memories, perhaps even relive previous ones. it'd changed things for him, giving him a sense of what it must be like to be on the other side of the looking glass. he's usually the one who knows everything, but now he doesn't. ]

[ knowing he's missed out on something may see him smile when he hears it, but it introduces a sense of yearning in the pit of his stomach. he wants it: to experience it, not to hear about it. is this what it's like to be on the receiving end of hearing about his own adventures? ]

[ barry opens his mouth then closes it, looking around as he sees the familiar corridor. he nods his head, ] Yeah. Not a second later.

[ forgetting that their hands are linked, he only feels the press of hers a second later. looking down, he lets out an ] Oh. Yeah. You're going to need this back. [ and lets go of her hand (clumsily) and is filled with the awkwardness that sees his feet not quite knowing where to land. when he thinks too hard, he's all out of sorts. ]

[ he doesn't disappear behind his door first. he'll let her take the title. ]

[ her smile widens a fraction. in spite of herself. her lashes flutter upward as the smile lingers. ]

Just for a little while. You can have it back later.

[ she stands there like an idiot, waiting for him to step into his room, and when he doesn't, it occurs to her that he is waiting for her to go first. so she swivels in place and walks down to the room right next to his. it may be bare, but it's still hers if she has something to say about it, and iris is going to reclaim it. she can't pretend she never left, and she's all too aware there are things she has missed, but it wouldn't feel right to be anywhere else.

as she steps in and closes the door behind her, the room is already shifting into earthier, warmer tones that go with her personality. she hasn't forgotten how to work the closets, so it's fifteen minutes later — on the dot — that iris walks back to his room, changed into something less fancy. ]

[ barry chooses not to be himself and overthink it. a hand's a hand, but barry allen's always thought of it to be more than that when it's outstretched toward him. he tries to put on a strong front of being impossibly untouchable, but when someone sees through it, it only circles back to his belief the impossible is possible. ]

[ he steps into his room and dries himself the old-fashioned way: stripping himself of his clothes and towelling himself dry. his hair's a worse nest now with the strands sticking up on all corners. with his shoes drenched, he picks them up and dries them by propelling his arms quickly. ]

[ drying himself off does nothing to help him regain his balance. he should've known. his powers have never really helped him gain much balance when it comes to iris west. ]

[ uncharacteristically on time, he opens his door just as she appears in front of it. ] Hey. Just on time. Do you want to — [ he moves away from blocking the space of his door, pulling it wider as an invitation for her to step inside. ]

[ his room is still the same: white. barry-less. the runaway dinosaur still sits on his bedside table. there's a normal looking treadmill in the corner that has a few burn marks on it, but nonetheless not much has changed at all. ]

[ the smile iris had reserved for him fades once more as she lets herself in.

she'd been a moment away from teasing him, a remark about punctuality or something like it, when the words die in her throat.

everything about this room is as she remembers it: cold, detached, impersonal.

iris didn't have the heart to push him the first time around. henry had just died — no, henry had been killed — and barry was grieving, or so iris had surmised. she hadn't been in his room since, and the whiteness of its walls is especially glaring considering how the rest of the mansion looks now. she knows him well enough; she doesn't have to ask why he's surrounded himself with this absence of warmth. the fact it hasn't changed is telling. so telling, in fact, she can't bring herself to speak just yet.

it's hard not to feel like she's failed him, just a little, by not seeing the signs sooner. ]

[ if anyone's to be on the receiving end of oliver's guilt-trip "you've failed this city", it's the flash. ]

[ his room's changed a few times over. a day during the christmas event when he'd fallen asleep and forgotten everything, he knows he'd woken up to his room looking just like his in his old home. that'd been after he'd opened the jar and released the memory of mom dying in the living room. after taking a few hours to try and place it, he remembers it not quite being the one of him as a kid, but as an adult, giving her a peace no one else could've gifted her but him. ]

[ the browns on his walls had scared him when he'd woken up after a nap he'd accidentally drifted into, and it's remained white ever since. it doesn't even flicker now with portions of it bleeding colour. ]

[ closing his door behind them, he looks at iris and furrows his brow. once she'd told him she knew when he was sad, depressed, happy, guilty, and the same can be said for him. although he's never been good at reading when someone feels responsible for him. ]

You okay?

I know, Barry.

[ it was only fifteen minutes, but those fifteen minutes were enough for iris to think long and hard about what she wanted to say to him and how she wanted to say it. it was enough for her to take into consideration the importance of keeping certain things to herself and the risk involved with disregarding that. but she also remembered the ease with which he told her about earth-2. the ease with which she'd listened, not even considering that they shouldn't talk about it.

because they should talk about everything.

now that she stands before him, the answer leaves her less than eloquently. she can't hold it in anymore. she doesn't know how he did. ]

I know why you've been ending up in the pool, and I know what you want to go back home for. I know what you want to do. [ and she knows because he's already done it where she is from. he went back in time to save nora allen, and everything changed. again. ]

[ barry wrings his hands together. ]

I … [ he ducks his head, shaking it. he's been running hard and fast to become a bullet against wonderland and pop its magical barrier to see where else he can go. it'd first began as his attempt to investigate the land in his own way, but the reasoning he'd told himself had been to trick himself into believing it was the only way. it's what he wants to tell iris: he's been in the pool because he's searching for a way out, but where he's looking for a rabbit hole isn't where everyone else is. he's been lying to himself. ]

[ the reason for him running relentlessly toward the open space of the land beyond is partly out of a need to know more, but it's not for a reason that's solely based in wonderland. ]

[ his hands still, remaining locked together, and when he thinks to pull them apart, he doesn't. looking up at her, he steels himself with an inhale through his nose, and finds his fingers play with themselves, as though he's feeling the words even though he's never quite had to with iris. ]

[ pressing his lips together, his expression crumbles. he takes a step toward her than stops himself. ] I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. [ his hands may still for a second, but then his shoulders move in a helpless half-shrug. he looks off to the side and finds the words are hard to say. ] I just felt ashamed for it.

[ barry may stop himself, but iris doesn't. where he is irresolute, she fills the spaces with her certainty. she cups his face as it crumples, if only so that he will look at her when she speaks. there is neither pride nor demand in what she says. it's simply fact, and nothing can change that. ]

Barry, I love you, and there is nothing you should feel ashamed of. Not with me.

[ iris is not here to be his judge or jury, and he's been punishing himself enough. she's been there every step of the way, watching as it tears him up inside. watching as he drives himself mad with the constant what ifs. she is not eager to give him more to carry.

and she knows that he will carry it. barry carries everything. ]

You won't remember this, but back home you gave me a choice, and I'm going to do the same for you. I will tell you what you want to know. But I need you to make sure you really want to know it. [ because he can't change it. certainly not from here. ]

[ barry stills when she approaches him, and doesn't shift his face from her hold. instead, he seems to deflate. all that extra energy he's been using to try and keep himself standing tall and unbreakable can be stored away for now. he doesn't need to pretend here. ]

[ the nod of his head is small and soft, but evident enough with his face in her hands. it's not shame with iris he's been trying to avoid, but the shame that he feels from himself. ]

[ quietly, ] I want to know it. [ his hands move from hanging uselessly at his sides, fingers curling around her forearms gently. his reason for wanting to know isn't so he can go back and fix it, even though he knows he'll feel the urge to, and it's primarily not to pull any weight off her shoulders. barry needs to understand the consequences of his actions, as well as the potential positives. ]

[ he can't afford not to know, not with thawne speeding around in wonderland, and especially not when he can so easily ignore the strength and damage of his own abilities and choices. ]

Come on. [ just as quietly, his hands slide up to her own, fingers peeling beneath her palms to take them in his hands. he lets one go as he turns to lead her toward his bed to sit on. ]

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