[VIDEO]

[stoptheviolence]

[The camera unfocuses for a moment before focusing back in on...Brittany. Of course. It’s her camera, so why wouldn’t it be her? But she’s not alone. There’s an adorable miniature pony at her side...with a horn on its head...and the sounds of a chirping squirrel can be heard coming from somewhere just off-screen.]

[Brittany, of course, sees nothing wrong with any of this, and is happily spinning in her chair, wearing her pajamas, despite the fact that her hair is has been expertly styled, and her makeup is impeccable. Beside her, the usual decorations of a youthful teen girl could be seen. Bright colors. Stuffed animals. And a particular picture seen hanging on the wall right over her bed.]

‘sup, Wonderland. I’m Brittany. And this is my new show, the Wonderland edition of Fondue for Two.

...well, four, if you count Lady Winny and Sir Squeakums over there.

[More chirping, as if the squirrel were responding to her. The unicorn remained silent. Content with just sitting there and looking fabulous. As she should. Santana, on the other hand, is sitting nearby but away from the furry creatures, looking...like she is doing this out of love. Being the first semi-guest was not on her to-do list, especially after her experience with the show back home. Again: for love.]

We’re here to bring you the latest and greatest of Wonderland’s cheezy news. [As she says this, she leans forward and reaches down to pick up...something speared onto a large toothpick and covered in Fondue goodness. She makes a show of eating it. Because cheezy fondue. Get it?] And, I guess, whatever else we feel like talking about at the moment.

So if you’ve got the goods, feel free to call in. After all, sharing is caring.

[And then, just before she lets it go to the phones...or Network, or whatever, Santana decides to speak up:]

Do it or Imma break some kneecaps.

Comments

[alwaysnext]

[Wow, who knew chat show hosts also played good cop, bad cop? Well, a good friend would support Brittany with terrible, terrible gossip, and he is fond of his kneecaps.]

Cheezy news? Does that mean stuff like "Guess who I saw kissing under magic mistletoe", or is it stuff like "Guess who I saw dying in an hallucinatory vision in the library"?

[stoptheviolence]

[HI LUKE HI! /wave]

[/obv "good cop" here]

Yeah, sure, why not?

Though more of the first one, I guess. Talking about dying doesn't really seem like much fun. The whole point of this is to remind us of the good things that happen around here. Not the bad.

[alwaysnext]

[BRITTANY. Super secret BFF 4 life wave]

I like good things. [Wow. Such eloquence.] So are you the opposite rivals of that guy who does all the really miserable radio shows that we can't stop listening to?

[stoptheviolence]

[...why secret?]

I like good things too.

That's why I never listen to that guy's shows. They're not very good. [Snap]

[alwaysnext]

[Okay, so it's not secret. Pick holes in everything, why don't you.]

Ooh, so harsh. [He croons like a delighted school kid who's enjoying a spot of awful behaviour.] He's alright, but he's got no taste in music.

[stoptheviolence]

[/pick pick pick]

[After all, what's a good fondue without a little bit of Swiss cheese?]

That's just plain boring.

[alwaysnext]

He's not my rival! I don't have to come up with insults.

[stoptheviolence]

I don't really want to, either.

I want to keep to talking about the happy things today, remember?

[alwaysnext]

I remember. [His expression softens into a contented smile]

So! Happy! Happy. Did you and Santana do this back home?

[stoptheviolence]

I did.

She didn't really come on the show with me. [Actually, the last time Britt invited her, she'd stood her up.]

[alwaysnext]

Looks like she's changed her mind. You two seem real cosy up there. Must be nice having a girlfriend who'll actually do stuff with you in public.

[There's a bitter statement. Why did he have to go for the Victorian basket case who's all hepped up on shame and insecurity?]

[stoptheviolence]

[It was a bitterness she could notice, even through the communication device. Her lips puckered together, brows furrowing.]

Is something wrong, Luke? Did I say anything?

[alwaysnext]

No! Nah, it's not you, Brit. Just. [He waves a hand around expressively.] You know. Jealous.

[itsahotone]

I vote both.

[Santana will be all too proud to be bad cop.]

[alwaysnext]

Think Brittany's vetoed you on that one. I guess she's got some idealistic objections to publicly broadcasting murder.

[itsahotone]

Fine, whatever. In that case, who did you see kissing under the mistletoe?

[alwaysnext]

Oh. No one. Didn't go near it.

[Well, not after he wound up mashing his lips into Amy Pond's. But like hell he's gonna explain that to the coolest, most intimidating woman in Wonderland. Even if she wouldn't give a damn.]

It was just the first weird Wonderland thing I could think of that didn't end with mutilation.

[itsahotone]

[LONG-SUFFERING SIGH.]

Do you have anything, then, or was this just a cocktease?

[alwaysnext]

Oi! No! [He splutters, unprepared for such words to come up in casual conversation.]

You're the ones who actually have a gossip show, why don't you share some first?

[itsahotone]

[Just wait til the double date!!!]

There's a pretty sickeningly cute threesome going on around here.

[How's that?? She's not sure just how secret it is, but eh.]

[alwaysnext]

[Okay, that's not what he was expecting. He squints at Santana suspiciously.]

Wait. You know about the threesome?

[They are probably so not thinking of the same threesome.]

[itsahotone]

[Excuse you, squinting suspiciously is Santana's thing.]

You know about it? And you didn't think that was gossip-worthy?

[alwaysnext]

[Well move over sister, there's a new squinter in town.]

I thought if anyone else found out about the threesome, he'd stab me.

[itsahotone]

[SHE IS STILL BETTER AT IT

...ahem. Anyway, this already makes no sense.]

Stab. [That sounds like neither of the guys in the threesome she's thinking of.] That doesn't sound sickeningly cute.

[alwaysnext]

Are you saying your threesome would never stab anyone? [Because you'd have to be blind and deaf to think D'Artagnan wouldn't cut you. Santana's wrong, though. He really is sickeningly cute, no matter who he slices open.]